You have just been dumped and your BPD ex is already with some other guy. What should you do? The answer is nothing. Don't react to it. Sure that's a lot easier said then done. Especially since you feel like dying and the pain is unbearable. All you want in the world is to talk to them and express how much you love them. To prove to them your dedication and loyalty. You think if you could just make them see your sincerity and devotion they will realize you really care about this relationship and want this love to last forever... That's not going to work. They already believe that. They know it and it's why they are leaving with your heart as a trophy.
You want them back more then anything you have ever wanted in your life. Trust me, I know. I will save you the drama of how great it was, perhaps for another time. I want to focus on you right now and explain your relationship as it is. My dear friend your significant other has just declared war on you. Wake up right now!!! You are at war!!!
There is only one emotion you need to have right now and that is anger. Revel in it. Harness it. Hold yourself together with it. I mean it, because if you don't... If you allow one drop of sympathy for this person, you will spiral into an abyss of depression. A place they call home. You are in no state to compromise your self value by giving this sick person the satisfaction she/he is looking for. If you do you will only empower her/him. The only thing that will bring them back anyway, is your ability to care less then they do. Being that you really do care. You are going to have to summon your will to overcome this evil sneak attack on your soul. Anger is your best friend right now and motivational speaker. Never doubt that both are totally justified. (with in mature limits)
There is a ton of information that you need to know in detail. However, right now you are way behind in understanding what actually just happened. Here are a few things you need to know until you catch up with the reality of this nightmare.
Your girlfriend is possessed by Satan... Only kidding, but sometimes I really wonder.
Things to know right now:
1. The silent treatment is verbal abuse and it's intentional. Don't wait for that phone to ring. Two can play at that game and you better. Their lack of communication is an intentional avoidance of taking responsibility or admitting fault or injury. Any hint of an apology I got sounded forced or like a therapist texted it. It was not sincere.
2. Any attention, begging or pleading will empower them. This person does not love. They have mirrored you to get love and attention. That's why it felt so right. They need it in quantities no mortal can give.
3. They have done this before to many a guy and are expecting you to keep giving. They may call because now your suffering is just as satisfying as the love you gave them. Their concern is fake. You're on the other side now. Fear of abandonment vs fear of intimacy. Don't give them any satisfaction now. You got too close and they cannot let you closer but they'll enjoy the attention anyway. It wont help you. Pretending you don't really care is your only play. It may trigger their abandonment issue bringing them back. I know that's what you want, but don't fool yourself. They just proved they are not worthy of you. It may help to get some closure. In my experience they all come back sooner or later, but only because they need you. They remember how good you were to them. They may have just been dumped by another BPD or Narcissist. Maybe they were busted in their act and let go by someone with healthier boundaries. Maybe their current boyfriend got feed up with their drama. Don't be surprised. It will come when you least expect it. I had one three years later. When you are healed you wont take them back. That's closure.
Other things you need to know:
1. This has nothing to do with you. They are sick and you cannot help them.
2. This is the greatest day of your life. You just don't know it yet.
3. You are much stronger then they are in every way.
4. Even if you've humiliated yourself. They still can't win.
5. In my experience with 3 bpds. None have kept a relationship. They left a trail of train wrecks.
6. The new guy is going to suffer this too. Guaranteed.
7. This has nothing to do with your money, physical appearance or personality.
8. Don't try to understand mental illness.
9. You are going to look back and thank God this happened some day. Guaranteed.
10. You didn't do anything wrong.
11. You used to love being single before. You will again.
12. Your real soul mate is still searching for you and they are awesome.
13. I love you man.....
14. You will heal. They will not.
15. If you feel the need to help. Donate your time and money to abused children.
16. Adults are responsible for there actions. Child molesters were victims too once.
17. You are going to win this war. You already did.
18. Deep down they know they're not good enough for you.
19. Be proud of yourself. Honesty, truthfulness and loyalty are to be admired.
20. No contact is the key to healing now.
21. You just unloaded a huge problem on some sucker... FACT.
22. YOUR MISSION NOW IS TO GET BACK TO YOU. Anyway you look at it. Moving on helps you achieve your goal. Remember that confident guy she couldn't resist. The guy that laughed her right out of her pants. That's who you still are. You just trusted a loser and that happens to everyone. That's her shame not yours. Her loss too. Oh it's so their loss it's not even funny.
I've just broke up with BPD girlfriend after 6 months of heaven and hell and this note (as your whole blog) is helping me a lot. Just like the other pages like bpdfamily forum and similar. I'm slowly getting back to myself, rid off serious depresssive issues with help of my friends and psychologist. I'll carry on and I'm glad that you've recovered.
ReplyDeleteJust got suddenly dropped by a bpd who I was living with and deeply in live with. It was perfect yet miserable She had a way of making me feel like the best thing in the world and then like an insignificant ahole. She baselessly accused me of lying about petty things and ended it like I was nothing...after she wanted to get married 3 weeks in. She's showing no sign of being upset about it and it's bc I've been handling it all wrong as you outlined. In fact, you accurately described what I've BEEN doing to a T. She ignores my questions, especially about her "proof", and the silence is deafening. I told her I let go and she started talking to me again...about when I'm getting my stuff out. Going back to my old ways and walking away like I don't care. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI'm in a similar situation. I was living with my BDP girlfriend for a little over 9 years. In the beginning she was attentive,loving and I felt safe with her... Or so I thought! Years go by with me paying for everything doing anything to make her happy. She'd get fired from jobs, have issues with the law and I would come to the rescue. The past four years things changed dramatically, she became distant, we were not having sex, and she just walked out without warning and just dropped off the face of the earth. The emotional torture was insane. She came back for 6 months said she was taking out the garbage and left again,she professed her love and like an idiot I believed her. This last time she went to her drs appt and disappeared again. After 30 days she contacted me. You're right when you show that you don't care they start calling. I love her but my heart and mind can't deal anymore. Just today she kept texting saying that I'm the most beautiful woman and I'm her wife but made sure to tell me that we're not together. Ugh! It's so hard to say no to her cuz I miss her but I can't.
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DeleteI was in an on-off heaven/hell relationship for nearly 4 yrs. A very manipulative man who fools everyone, seems so genuine. In this time he took so much, lived with me on and off without paying a thing, I soon noticed he was lovely if I gave him sex/love/built up his self esteem from childhood issues that haunt him. He was very loving because it was him needing the love. In our relationship he would get very verbally abusive and unreasonable especially with drink/drugs. One night when I was very drunk he sexually took advantage in every possible way. I knew what he was doing but I couldn't move, I just kept thinking, hurry up I want to go to sleep. It was the next day I realise how wrong it was an felt violated. He also tried to kill himself on my front door step one night. Even now the metallic smell of blood makes me heave when I think of clearing it up. But I was always reminded how I didn't care enough as I only stayed at the hospital till 6.30am. Think I was shocked an needed to get out of there. But stupidly we got back together in march. He said he'd sorted himself his life was going good and apologised for the past, he was just in a dark place then. He kept up this act for longer than ever before and had wanted a baby for years. I'd always say no because of his instability/lack of responsibility. I finally agreed after we went on holiday ( which I paid for, but because of the new improved responsible boyfriend I now had, I did believe he would pay me back. Of course, he didn't) so I had the coil removed and almost as soon as I'd done that, he backed off emotionally an seemed to lose interest.4 weeks later he left. Just like that. No me having to call the police because he was drunk and nasty this time. In fact he was quite rational. I called him twice the next day wanting an explanation but other than that I've had no contact. It turns out he had another girl lined up an they got together. I found out 2 weeks after he left, he stole the sponsorship money I'd raised for charity and I think he stole my ring too. And just to top it off he keeps turning up with the new victim where he knows I'll be, an is all over her. It's sad but I just ignore it. Everything. But does make me wonder how I'll ever trust a man again. Oh I'm sooo going to spinster heaven!
ReplyDeleteSorry that happened to you. Don't worry, you will trust again. As soon as you meet someone you can't resist. You may even get fooled again, but I promise, you will never ever pay for a losers vacation again. He will destroy himself, I guarantee it.
DeleteDamn! I've been to every bpd website imaginable but yours almost made me break down! I love this post. Finally, someone who actually seems to care about ME! I've been catering to HER, trying to make HER happy, forsaking my own happiness, well-being, health, what-have-you for two years now and I'm nearly threadbare. I needed to hear from someone else that SHE was sick, that SHE cannot love, that I am stronger than her in every way, that I didn't do anything wrong. I've been hearing the opposite for far too long! Thank you. I love you too, man!
ReplyDeleteThanks, I highly reccomend Sam Vaknin youtube videos on narcissism.
DeleteI have to thank you for this thread. I too have read countless BPD sites and forums lately in an effort to sort out what happened. Why I have been so abnormally crossed up over a Woman I only knew for three weeks. This is totally right on and very helpful. I just couldn't believe how horribly she had treated me. A sudden turn. Ice cold. Unable to really apologize even. I had done nothing to bring on the treatment even if she just plain wanted out. It was very abusive and abrupt.
ReplyDeleteDumped me for another mark, of course, and I think several other guys involved too. All of it as rude and hurtful as possible and on a level that was completely inappropriate for a 3 week deal. Real genuine verbal abuse. Yelling. Tearing down my character endlessly and at every soft spot I ever showed. Out of control. I had been sucked in as grandly as possible prior to the explosion. I was sold.
I'm 36 and have had my fair share of girls go bad but this was just not normal, and has really been tricky to sort out.
It turns out that she suffered serious sexual abuse as a child, from a stepfather, along with ongoing neglect issues prior to that. All of the pieces fit together incredibly well pointing to serious psychological issues in the name of very real BPD. Everything fits together. Self esteem issues, abandonment issues (she actually told me that. Oddly.), promiscuity with lying. Basically the whole BPD chart reads like her bio and my experience.
Without stuff like this it would be real hard to stay confident, out of contact, and above it. I have some esteem issues myself making it a little too easy to believe the things she said, who she wants to make me out as, or attempts to crawl back and talk to the girl.
I'll admit that it would bug me if it works out with this next guy, but I surely passed a lot of hard times his way. The real drag of it is that this guy lives across the street from my shop.
I saw him yesterday, and ran into him at the coffee shop just an hour ago. Makes "out of sight out of mind" a hard go.
Thanks for the support.
bro dont worry!!! you are not the only one on the boat.... i been kick out of the house that i use to call my home more than 10 times, call names like looser, piece of shit, wet bag(im from central america legal american citizen)skunk bag. And all my intentions of making up fail its hard to heard from the person that you love soo much things like: "stick your apologies up your ass", "fuck off little teenager"..... and more... believe me, it can be worst, JUST LET HER BE.
DeleteBro, stop apologizing, stop caring, stop eating shit. You have it easy, she is calling you names, so unload, and tell her, she is a selfish, crazy bitch, and ignore her. You have nothing to lose. Stop being a total pussy. JUST LET HER BE?????? Grow up, Eugene, or fuck off, you little teenager.
DeleteYou rigth man.. at the end i was not my loss.its time to make a move. im a grown up ass guy to be taken shit like this.
DeleteYeah Eugene, seriously man, get out of there. Man up, its for your own good- no one wants you spending your life with that piece of shit. Go cold, get some sweet revenge then disappear, find some nice girl. Don't treat yourself like shit to your deathbed. You've had the psycho sex, just tick it off the bucketlist and find someone real.
DeleteThanks Mr buddy! I'm in a better place now and nearly got involved with another nutnut but trusted my gut and ran after 2 wks. Maybe he was genuine but i guess I've now learnt to be happy alone after splitting with bpd 4 an half months ago. Things appear to be going very well in his new relationship which makes me wonder if i was the problem but have been having therapy,and my therapist thinks he has narcissistic traits. This blog has helped me and so many others. Thank you so much. And no, I will never pay for a loser again!
ReplyDeleteI cannot tell you how much I needed to read this post. It was like a God send to find it.
ReplyDeleteAfter 7 years she dumped me out of the blue and was with a new guy the next week. I am completely devastated and she is in bed with the new guy. Of course he was waiting in the wings as it is with all BPD women.
She went ice cold, refuses to respond to my attempts at closure, and now says she wants me to discontinue my communicating with her. This comes 2 weeks after she tells my family I am her ROCK and she doesn't know what she would do without me in her life. One week I am spending the weekend and she is telling me how much she lives me and the next i am an enemy combatant.
Thank you for the right to be angry. I felt myself slipping into a deep depression unable to eat, sleep and even struggling to work. I felt ashamed and embarrassed to tell family and friends what has happened. I needed this.
How dare that useless little bitch, give you the "ice cold" after seven years. It's the hallmark of a selfish, spoiled, little girl. It's very common.
DeleteLots of women go cock hopping, to regulate their self esteem. They can't be alone, or do things for themselves, so they target an emotional dildo, they can use. It's not about sex, it's about the relationship statis on her facebook. It's about her own shame, and embarrassment, about herself. She's a loser, and she knows it, and trys to hide it. It has nothing to do with you, or the new mark.
Don't try to get closure from her. Let her suffer in her own mind, not knowing why, you aren't calling. Never devalue yourself to her, by calling. She will call, to see if you are screwing someone else. Of course, pretending, she wants to see, if you were okay. She'll give you closure.
She covets you forever, the way a child, or dog, must have a discarded toy, when someone else starts playing with it.
Hit the gym, like a psycho, on a mission. Nothing will guarantee, you come out on top, faster. Its times like this, you can achieve miracles.
Yes seriously, go silent and cold, uncaring. Maybe get a little revenge in there first, but then just stop caring. 7 fucking years. How can I not care you must think, but she's not a real person. Video game character, her script is false. Forget it all except what you can learn from it. Don't look back. Whatever you do don't build her ego by asking and asking for closure. It's impossible to get and you'll only spend your time making her feel you're more and more pathetic. Go cold and that's what will happen to her. I'm really sorry for you man. 7 years is fucked up. For me it was only 2.
DeleteCrazy I had the same thing. 7 years and goodbye. We got back a few times. Last time she had changed (yeah right). Went away for a night for work. Find out she slept with someone from the bar. Now she fucks every man who has money and tells me about it. Dating guys 25-35 years older like a tramp. Called last week to tell me she is so in love and moving with him. It hurt . I need to stop looking at her social media that is my biggest problem
DeleteIt takes me back
MY STORY:
ReplyDeletehi my name is eugene im 28 years old, all i can say is that after reading all this posts and coments makes my realize how much time efforts and love i been wasting in someone who never gonna change. Thanks i will like to share my story and see if i can have some support over this, my heart its compleatly broke and damage after doing everything possible to make our marrige work
Eugene, I feel your pain, bro. I'm dealing with it also. It's a really, really, difficult thing to deal with because it's not a typical person and a typical breakup. Since it's August, I hope you're in a better place now. I know it's hard, man. It really is. These types of sites are great to get support, though. Have things gotten any better?
DeleteReally Eugene, I don't know how old you are now, but you have a lifetime ahead to spend with someone who values you, and allows you to value yourself. When you make the break, and when its finally in the past (sleep around, its faster), you'll feel superhuman because you can take the worst kind of hell from a girl, and nobody will EVER be worse. It's all uphill. Also, she's gonna age badly as a woman and be an unhappy lonely slutty old crone while you'll still be a don.
DeleteI keep reading how contact from an ex with BPD is almost inevitable.......
ReplyDeleteWell, when my ex finally broke it off with me (by texting me and telling me to listen to Luke Bryan's 'I Knew You That Way'....how mature and classy!), I layed into her. Told her she was a compulsive liar, a deceiver, a manipulator, a drama junkie, a control addict, an alcoholic and her cutting her own leg and sending me the picture was proof alone she's a head case. I also told her I was thoroughly convinced she's a candidate for borderline personality disorder and needs psychological counseling (she claims she has post traumatic stress disorder and from everything I've read, BPD is often misdiagnosed at PTSD). Naturally, she told a former friend I was a psycho, a borderline stalker, sick and verbally and mentally abusive. I actually believed her too. Then I found some BPD sites and read about PROJECTION. It all makes sense now. 2 things I learned: BPD'ers are NEVER wrong. Admitting fault is a death blow to their ego and BPD'ers will always project their characteristics on you. They also push you so hard and so far that your anger gets the best of you and you find yourself screaming at them and defending yourself which only gives them either an escape excuse or something they can use against you when they want to control an argument.
Well, after everything I've said to this woman and everything she's said to me....does anyone REALLY think she'll try and contact me ever again? Not in this lifetime!!
Hahaha, I get you completely. I suppose back when we started out I was a nicer guy, emotionally trusting, kind, sensitive etc. But seriously after the hell of it all, with her I had transformed into a cold motherfucker and some of the emails I sent her shock me at my cold as fuck word choices.... I know it screwed her over a bit. But it always shocked me because I couldn't believe how she had created this restless, tormented angry person in me. Had to get away. Anyway, its just words. She did much more. But yeah... she will never message me a how are you because she has to fear how 'dangerous my words are'... Good.. Thanks anger.
DeleteAh she'll be back...they always do... the picture she took of her leg made me laugh.. my ex took a pic of his (yes he!...not always female!) face gushing with blood laying on the floor outside my house after smashing a pint glass into his forehead?!! Attention seeking! ...and a year later I bump into him an he collars my mate tellin her he'd love to speak to me (even tho the girl he cheated on me with is apparently about to give birth!?) Lol needless to say I left the pub!
ReplyDeleteLoved this post! Couple weeks ago I got dumped by my high functioning bpd/narcist girlfriend after one and a half years with her. She denies having this disease and blames me for everything. Now she has a new fling she's placed her claws on and has moved him in to her apartment a few days after dumping me. ANGER! You are correct! That's what fuels me right now to get better. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteGood gawd I hate this freaking disorder! I got sucked in by a BPD male and now I have the pleasure of toggling between the therapist and medication. he gets the pleasure of moving on to another country and forgetting our life together. they really need their own damn Island so they can all screw each other over, and leave us healthy loving goodwilled people alone
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post. It is great. I have been dumped at least ten times over the past few months by my BPD girlfriend. She is aslo an alcoholic and would take off for days at a time. She would keep things at our apartment and at her friends, so she could go back and forth. She was abusive and blamed me for everything. I would buy all her beer and cigs, then when she wanted to take off she did. Now I think she has all her things out of the apartment, but I can't go there to see. I am staying at my parents. If I see all her things gone I feel I have lost her. Except that she still texts me in the middle of the night, accusing me of being with someone else, then saying she is happy for me. Bull. She justs texts when she needs something or when I ignore her for awhile and she feels she is losing control. Ithink that, even if she has moved out and I move to my parents, I will still hear from her when she needs something or feels she lost control of me. Any thoughts? Good luck guys. Yes anger!
ReplyDeleteI have been run over by two of these in the past four years as well as a dental surgeon that was truly scary. The best call I ever made in my life was to an aviation doctor that was trained in human behaviour and was also a specialist in human addiction. He turned the lights on in my head one at a time and made me see what was going on . I had a married an aggressive, high functioning BPD and his stern advise was to get as far away as possible , she wont stop till she ruins your life !
ReplyDeleteYou really have to completely educate yourself about this disorder , the two kinds , aggressive and passive, as the passive one managed to fool me as well including her alcoholism . Watch out guy's for the hot ones with a wine glass in their hand all the time .Especially the red wine . When they drink and then slip into their psychosis you have no idea what is going to happen . It's like standing next to a rocket ship that's going to the Moon and there isn't a dam thing you can do to stop it. And they always attempt to draw others into their drama , like security guards in the hotel lobby , police , or whomever else is observing the dynamics going on . So two completely different types with the same disorder, I had a younger brother commit suicide over one of these babes when he was 33 so now that I have been put through it several times I feel the best thing I can do is spread this knowledge and try to warn others that may not have any idea that these kind of women even exist .
ReplyDeleteNo doubt about the alcohol. I've seen that transformation, from normal to psycho take place after one shot of Jack Daniels. Sorry about your brother. Education is must, and the men's movement is on the rise. Check out A Voice for Men of Youtube, there are plenty of healthy woman, sick of this crap too. Good luck.
DeleteThanks Man , if only I had known then what I do now. Miss him everyday.
ReplyDeleteI will check out that you tube as well.
Take care Bro, I will be back here from time to time to see if I can help.
Early identification is the key to avoiding encounters with Borderline females. Immediate red flags should not be overlooked simply because they are alluring, they are also seductive and masters at hiding their true identity until they get inside an intimate situation with you, i.e. living with you or worse Married to you ! Not until then does the behaviour come out. I was relieved to hear that I could have dated her for two years and not known, only three months into the marriage I saw the real Monster for the first time.
ReplyDeleteSo here are a few tips from Dr. Superstar :
Find out about her Mom , find out about her Dad ..
If she was taken from her Daddy at a young age and brought up by a psycho Mother , RUN !!
Also , watch out for implants , hair extensions , and high maintenance,
They are expert liars and know what to say to get you vulnerable.
They target you just like a Terminator , void of feelings , remorse or responsibility for their actions.
Some will not stop until they destroy you .
Holy crap, you are dead on with this one. That was exactly her story...wow
DeleteBuddy , wanted to add that your posts here have been very helpful, good to know that I am not the only one that has been victimized by these predators.
ReplyDeleteThis was a great post. My ex just left me because she fell in love with someone else. The crazy part is that you let them in your life and they just destroy your sanity. The day before we were planning her trip to the east coast to visit me. I also find it sad that they lie, manipulate, never take blame and cheat all the time. But we haven't spoken in about a week and I used to date her for a year in 2006-2007.
ReplyDeleteShe moved back to Ohio and we saw each other a couple times before she got in a relationship. Of course, that didn't last long none of them do. However it was about 3 and a half years before we saw each other again. So we dated from July 2013- March 2014. I didn't see it coming silly me right lol.
So she says I still want you in my life and that I hope we can be friends. I said well look I don't think I'll ever see you again. And.. of course she says yes you will. So hmmmm... your in love with someone else and your already talking about you will see me again. Smh..
The best thing is 2 read articles online to gain a better understanding on their sickness.
Yes, I won't contact her because, like I told her you will contact me before I will you. And yes she will come back but I have 2 be smarter and stronger. Much love to everyone who has been in love or deeply cared about someone with BPD. It shows a lot about your character.
You're going to be alright, Rob. She didn't fall in love with someone else, she jumped at the chance to suck the life out of someone else, like a tick. She'll be calling you, and you'll realize you are just dealing with a child, who doesn't no any better. You'll forgive her for that. Then you will thank God, and your parents for making you a man.
DeleteAfter this, and some studying on narcissistic behavior, and tactics, you'll see it coming next time and laugh as the next little girl tries relentlessly to manipulate you. Once you know, you won't fall in love so easy, and you'll stand like a rock that cannot be fucked with, and they will tell you how much they love you, and admire you, and screw your brains out just to try, but it will never work.
Much love to everyone who has been in love or deeply cared about someone with BPD. It shows a lot about your character.
DeleteThis is nice man, I do think there's something in there to value, instead of being a heartless dick. But maybe these lessons happen to teach you to be a bit of both.
Basically, I had a similar experience to what you describe.
ReplyDeleteI found that I took an interest in a young lady with many similarities and interests. We seemed to hit it off - it was really sweet. But then she pursued with such strength that I felt like the subject of an obsession.
There were a few obsessive traits and I found some red flags from her family members. She abruptly turned from pursuit to hating me based on some notions of incompatibility that seemed spurious. She sent mixed messages at the end and seemed resentful for things I could not possibly know about or be expected to handle. She then totally went black and white on me - very unsettling.
Sounds like a fragile nutter, with a dose of paranoia. I had an experience with one of those not too long ago. She was from Florida. You seem like you're handling it okay. If she calls you again, tell her to buy another cat, and piss off.
DeleteI’m recently broken up with my BPD on/off “girlfriend” of 10 months. She was in pretty heavy therapy and never told me she had BPD, but my therapist assured me 99% that she is after hearing of our roller coaster. We met on a vacation and I fell for her pretty hard and fast. She came to visit about a month later and we obviously connected but hadn’t had sex yet. I went to visit her and then we made plans to go travel together. I bought us some tickets to go to some pretty exotic places-and then it started to happen. Yes, no. Excited, canceling, telling me she’d really wanted to go but had been on a few other dates, etc…
ReplyDeleteAnyway, after canceling one of the trips and not getting my money back(I’ll admit here my own foolishness and am learning a lot about my own issues in therapy as to why I was attracted to her and went further out of my way and tried harder than I ever have in my life or any relationship)we went to one of the most beautiful places in the world, fell in love, all that good stuff. The red flags were there from the beginning. She even warned me before we left that she could be very mean. I had no idea. She’s extremely intelligent and that was very attractive to me, but her verbal dexterity had me so confused during fights that I was lost as I never had been before-completely confounded. But the makeups were amazing, brought us closer together each time. It went so well that she said she wanted to come with me to meet my family as I was going right after our trip. We stopped for a wedding of my friend on the way and had our first big breakup fight. She was out of control, accusing me of having a thing for the bride who was like a sister to me-it drove me crazy. She actually put her hands around my throat back at the hotel when I told her I was not going to give her all of our pics from our trip(some were innocently naked of both of us as we were skinny dipping.) I calmly put my hands behind my back and asked her to stop. I told her I’m done and I’m just going to erase everything, as I was doing this I said “I can’t believe I thought of spending my life with you.” She completely changed in that moment. I was overwhelmed by her apologies and admissions of her love for me and that she wanted to marry me and have my kids, etc…
We went to meet my family and we became closer and closer. When we got back home, we became extremely close, revealing some dark abuse from our pasts. I asked her to be in a committed relationship. She was unsure but then said yes absolutely. A week goes by, her therapist hears about the trip and thinks I’m amazing and asks me to come in. She asks what I think and I say let’s do it! Then she goes to Burning Man. The day she left is the last day I felt really connected to her. She told me she love me and called me 6 times that day like she wanted to be in touch as much as possible before no contact. When she returned she told me about an orgasmic experience that she had with a girlfriend of hers at an orgasm clinic.(I now realize it was probably a lot more than just that) I reacted nervously but in no way harshly or judgmental, although she took my nervousness and questions as a slight. This was the beginning of the end. Within a week she told me that all the love she had for me had evaporated and when I reminded her that she really hurt me by saying that a week later, she denied having said it.
PART 2:
ReplyDeleteFor the next 8 months the roller coaster began. I miss you want to see you, disappearing, starting fights, criticizing me, verbally abusing and belittling me. I was not only so hurt but shocked that I would even put up with this kind of abuse as I had never let anybody talk to me the way she did. She eventually came to visit twice in the next 2 months. Fights, make ups, amazing sex that got us closer and closer. She left on a high note but then picked another fight over the phone again. Eventually I asked what I had suspected for a long time-had she been sleeping with anyone else. Yes. I was done. She asked if we could try again, I foolishly said yes. A week goes by and she tells me that she can’t be in any relationship with anyone. Devastated me as it took so much for me to forgive her. I walked away. She calls me a week later asking me to please try again because she’s learned a lot in therapy and invites me to meet her family for the holidays. I see this as a major breakthrough so I agree. Another week goes by and the same thing-can’t be in a relationship with anyone, telling me she loves me(which I hadn’t heard since before Burning Man)as she’s ending it and to give her time because she’s thinking of us “long term.” I let her go. Again. But somehow I feel it’s not over. And it’s not. We meet up a few weeks later in a neutral city and begin again. Start making plans to do the trip we had planned the previous summer. She comes to visit for a month(not planned that long but ended up being a month)I take her for a surprise Bday trip to NYC and lavish her with gifts as I always did and outings, etc.(I pay for nearly everything as she hasn’t worked the entire time we were together-she was taking a sabbatical after a bad breakup)We fight a lot but eventually smooth out and we’re in love again-at least I am and I tell her so. We experience an entire new level of sexual intimacy that it now devastating to think about, touched on more past traumas that were very revealing as to why she was the she was, but then the end came. It started out ok, we talked about when she would leave we agreed in a week so that I could finish my work and have the weekend together. 30 minutes late she sends me an email from inside my house saying she want to leave sooner. I’m upset by this as we just agreed and this starts a fight. She starts saying “Just say you don’t ever want to see me again!” OVER AND OVER. I’m at a complete loss for words as I can’t understand what part of me wanting her to stay makes her think that?! Eventually I tell her that there’s an opportunity for both of us to compromise and she stomps her foot and says, “I won’t budge!” I’m so hurt by this that I tell her that I don’t think that I can be in a relationship with someone that says that when there’s a chance to compromise. She says fine. Cold as ice. Minutes after crying and screaming that she thought I was better than this. I have to leave the house to cool down, not really thinking this is over and that she would just want it to end-I didn’t I was just so upset and failing miserably at trying to reach her. I come back an hour later and she’s gone. Just like that. I frantically call and text her, she says shes fine and she’ll call me when she gets home. A week goes by. An email comes saying she thinks we should find people that give us what we need. We talk on the phone and it’s like talking to a stranger. I apologize for everything and she just says thanks. That’s it. Unbelievable. I’m in shock.
Get ready, here’s the kicker.
Final:
ReplyDeleteDuring each of our times together going all the way back to our first trip together when we started having sex, she would have horrible itchiness in her vagina. We would go to the doctor and here that it was “Honeymoonsystitis” common when having a lot of sex. We got tested after our first trip and she told me she was negative for everything but never sent me her results as I did send mine to her. This continued on each of our times together because we had so much sex. This last time was really bad so she went to the doc again and got all kinds of tests. Immediately after the breakup I realized she never told me her test results so I asked her minutes after the breakup. She said they were all negative. I asked to see all of them and thats when things went haywire. She became very evasive about one thing in particular, herpes. She said that she didn’t get tested this time because it was uncommon. I was floored. I asked her to get tested repeatedly and after a fight she agreed and I’d do the same. Guess what? She said was negative. She started sending me screen shots of emails from her doctor saying she was negative. I asked very delicately to see the actual lab results and she went crazy accusing me of controlling her and that she didn’t even care to see my results as it’s none of each others business anymore-right after apologizing and saying “I’m sorry for fighting I know this concerns both of our health so of course I care.” I got mine back and I came out positive. Devastating. I let her know this and she sends an email saying she’s incredibly saddened to hear this and give her time to think about how to approach our relationship-and please send her my results-unbelievable. I wait a few days, write her a long letter about how hurt, confused, broken hearted I am, assigning no blame at all as I’m aware and been informed by the docs that it’s futile to try to figure out where it came from as it could have been either of us. I send her my results and asked her to send her actual results, also my hard drive that had our entire vacations videos and pics on them-please erase and return, and I sent her the jewelry that I bought that she left here on purpose-the very first thing I bought her. A month goes by. Nothing. I’m blocked on every form of social media, email, etc… Today I get a package. It’s the package I sent her. It’s been opened but there’s nothing new in it. No test results, no hard drive, etc…
I’ve been in deep deep therapy this past month trying to get my head around this. Had a couple of complete meltdowns and struggle everyday with this. My question? What. The. Fuck? What was the purpose of sending me back exactly what I sent? Why not send my hard drive back erased? Why only send back the jewelry that I just sent and not all the rest of the jewelry/gifts that i had given her over the year as well? What does this mean? My friends/therapist think it’s manipulation, to evoke some sort of response from me asking where’s the rest? Is this it? Am I demonized now, split black forever, never to hear from her again? What was the point in sending this at all. Why not just throw it away? Why wait a month to do it? React? Don’t react? Wait awhile? Here’s the craziest part. I still love her.
So lost.
Update: email from her today:
Hi,
I sent back your package, so you should be receiving it soon if you have not already.
I got tested again, and came back negative once more. I just got the letter in the mail. Pic attached.
I'm really sad that that happened and hope you are doing well. Thank you again for being honest with me.
There is nothing else to talk about, so let's part ways.
Thanks again for everything and good luck with everything ahead.
Warmly...
Confused,
DeleteIt's not you. My story is so similar it's scary. About a year ago for me. I'm finally climbing out into the light. I'll write it all down here when I can. It's been extraordinarily painful, but also teaching. Buddy and the other solid men here are right...it does get better with time and education. I love sites like this. The validation is so needed and the girl will never give that because her pain will always blind her. For me post here feels like reliable rung on my growing makeshift escape ladder.
Most likely she simply cannot see her side of things and told her latest therapist, and/or anyone else who would listen a very weepy, slanted, even fictitious yet artfully eloquent and very believable story where she was SO victimized by you and all of her exes. This line of vile pig vomit became self reinforcing "party line" as the world rallies to support this poor victim of abuse. She was counseled with the best of intentions by well meaning, supportive yet people who are terminally unaware of what she and they are up against. Everything I've read about BPD says how much therapists hate it because of the patient lying and splitting bad against the therapists. My BPDx seemed like that.
Master propagandists, BPDs weave some truth or weakness they've sought out in you in advance into the story, alongside the "twin flame" or "soul mate" level of love they have both professed and demonstrated at times. This makes our being the root of the issue potentially believably as to make us confused at best, self flagellating at worst.
So the girl follows instructions meant for "abusive men." Except that we were not. Mine laughably sought an RO after I sent her a heart-wrenching yet very badly written slam letter like the one Buddy recommended. In it called her out out on everything. 3 days later they cops called and talked to me like a perp. She had accused me of stalking her when I hadn't seen her in 4 mos!!!! Once I started sharing my side that cop apologized for being a hardass and said judges are inclined to grant ROs by default when abuse is alleged. He said if we agreed to stay away from each other that would be ok. He asked if I had plans to contact her. I said no. Hell no. I meant it and I have not and it has been the best thing ever for me.
DeleteOh, and my letter (actually a long series of increasingly ranting texts) was something she literally asked me for. Technically she had asked for a letter from the heart from me. She got one. What was left of my utterly broken, burned, and deceived trusting heart, that is. The heart I had opened so hugely in a unique way for her and her alone. I had hope that the info in the letter would help her, if eventually see the light of day. Seriously doubt that now.
DeleteJesus she gave you fucking herpes???!
DeleteThe getting things back story is common... Never gonna happen. She gives you what you want she knows she's lost you forever.
I actually did get closure and revenge on the formerloveofmylife transformed into bitchwhoifindlaughablenow though. She didn't return anything, fucked guys while I needed them back for a whole year. I was so stubborn I never gave up.
When I got it back, I also happened to be exchanging in her city, we met up, we fucked, I saw other girls behind her back (for protection too) while letting her think I loved her still. Let her get attached, got a lot of crazy sex, tested my mental limits in the view I was healing and training myself to handle abuse at my pace, and then ditched her.
I ticked the sex again with her off the bucket list, which gave me confidence with other girls, and now she has deleted her facebook because I guess when she stalks me she doesn't like seeing my photos with smiling girls who are hotter than her. Her hot sex gave me tips... and her evil nature gave me strength. Nothing can get worse and I have no fear anymore. I used to. But- that's how you get revenge on them and closure.
Wow, what an evil bitch. She gave you herpes, and knew about it, guaranteed. You don't love her, you're just addicted to her crack. Accept it, because its the truth. Its called cognitive dissonance, denial, normalcy bias or just whipped, but not love. The truth is it sucks, its painful, its humiliating, and its depressing, but you're going to be okay. That psycho whore is pure poison, and you know it. She's twisted evil sent from the abyss to destroy you, but like everything else she does it failed, and she she only hurt herself. She's giving herpes to her dildo friends, and other guys right now, and before she met you. She told you those things just to hurt you, and break you. There is no love there, no future there and the only way you are going to get revenge is to give your love to someone else, and be happy. Get that love her shit out of your head. Don't say it, and lie to yourself. You want her because she got you high, and chemicals in your brain flowing. Its happens to battered women everyday. Its stockholm syndrome. I'm sorry my friend, but you are too good, and to important to willingly surrender your life to mental illness. You should post pictures of her all around town, warning others of her herp spreading lunacy. Find your rage and take action. Take a bridge burning action. A lawful action that tells your subconscious you are in control, and she is dog shit, scum of the earth. You should fill your mind with truth about the way her mind works, video's on Narcissistic abusers, anti radical feminist groups, Gold digger videos, and go to the gym obsessively. Your therapist won't recommend that therapy, but in a case as extreme as this, a little revenge will do you good. Expose the liar to the public. Don't answer her calls, deny you know anything about it when she tracks you down. Scream get away from me psycho, and run if she does. It will feel good. She should be in jail for knowingly spreading herpes. Fight back damn it. Don't you dare give that worthless parasite one moment of sympathy. Climb out out of the abyss, and tell her, Satan they can go fuck themselves. That's good love, and you deserve it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the intense sentiment. My docs have advised me to not try to think along the lines of who gave what to whom, as it's impossible to tell and will get me nowhere. We don't even live in the same city. I'm just struggling everyday with the rejection and abandonment. It's like I never existed to her. She's off having the time of her life, happy as a clam, and most definitely with someone and /or multiple people, while I'm devastated ruminating about what or how I screwed up, what I should have said or done, etc... I've had very long relationships that never came close to ending this traumatically and I'm still in touch and friendly with all of my exes. I've never had anyone in my life tell me they never wanted to speak with me again and blocked all communication with me. I don't even know how to process that because it's so foreign to me. I guess it's just time? I can't believe it hurts this bad when all in all it was the shortest relationship I've ever had. I don't know what it's going to take to really make that shift. I'm trying to do my best to be healthy and positive but a lot of the times it just feels like groundhog day over and over again. Can't make sense of it at all.
ReplyDeleteYour doctor is being a politically correct dunsky. He doesn't know, but you do. Don't think for one second she is happy, or can ever be happy. She can only distract her self from her misery, temporarily. When she's alone with her thoughts they, she is doomed to a life of self hatred. She remembers you exist, and she'll be back. What ever she is doing, she will destroy the same way. It has nothing, nothing, nothing to do with you, or anything you did. Your mind will find reasons to blame you for this, and drag you down in to misery. Notice it, and understand that how she got that way. Her sickness will rub off on you. Fortunately you are a healthy adult, and you will love yourself back to sanity. She can't do that, and you can't help her. Don't worry she'll be okay, and thinking about you regularly. Show her how strong you are by never calling. You are going to be okay.
DeleteIt will pass
DeleteKeep in mind, she is preying on other people who will be as hurt as you are. You have to look at it in the right way. Those thoughts of her having a good time, are not real. She will act the same way, and possibly get put in a hospital, the shit kicked out of her, or thrown in jail. You are not rejected, you are just one of many houses in the path of a tornado. Houses can be rebuilt, and a tornado dies out. Her guaranteed future is defeat. You can bet your life on it. Its only a matter of time.
DeleteThanks man. What makes you think she'll be back? She's blocked me from all contact.
ReplyDeleteBecause she is abusing you. That's why she blocked you. Its passive aggressive emotional abuse, intentionally done to cause injury. She is exerting control over you. Its like a little kid, taking the ball away. No matter how long it takes, no matter how hurtful it feels you cannot fall for that old trick. You the only adult in the situation has to take your rightful place, as the grown up and understand you are dealing with an over grown, spoiled little girl operating on an emotional intelligence of a pre-teen. She call to check on you, and make sure your still suffering. She'll come up with an excuse. Your pain gives her a sense of value now. Or maybe she'll be down and in need of attention, but you'll hear from her again. She is thinking about you a lot more than you think. If you knew this before all of this went down, it wouldn't have worked, but you're kind of fucked right now because your brain needs time to adjust to the truth. She is a loser, and this is over, and it was not love, she is not capable of that. Not this girl. She can only fake it to get your love, and live vicariously through you. Like a vampire feeds on blood. I highly recommend Sam Vaknin, Youtube video's on narcissism. Breath. Feel good about yourself for being a real human. A good man. That shit, is fucking priceless in this world.
DeleteI feel kind of terrified that it's twisted around, that I'm the BPD, even though my therapist says absolutely not. It scares me that she may think that and she's taking the advice of her friends/therapist to do NC with me because I'm the crazy one. If she was manipulating me, she'd not block me right, she'd try to engage and not block all contact. Blocking all contact is supposed to be healthy behavior to avoid someone that is toxic. See why I'm confused?
ReplyDeleteShe will project her behavior on to you, and deny her own. That's what mentally ill abusers do. Blocking you, is manipulating you. You are being punished for her delusional psycho behavior. She is not allowing you to speak, defend yourself or have any control. She controls it. You are one of many men she has done this to. A healthy person blocking an abusive person is healthy. A toxic harpy psycho blocking someone she abused is control, abuse, spite, and the silent treatment. She is not giving you a choice, she hiding from accepting responsibility for her 100% guilty, vicious, hateful crime. You feel all fucked up because normal people would never think to be so evil, and cold, and your brain can't comprehend it. She is manipulating a new target now, who will face the exact same thing. It won't last long. Don't try to understand mental illness. That's like trying to understand why serial killers do what they do. The bottom line is there is no excuse, and she is not worthy of you, and she knows it. She's jealous of you, and wants you to suffer. Getting this through your head is going to take a lot of repetitive thinking. Your brain is in a tug of war fighting to hold on to the fantasy of what she was. You want to reject what she has proven to actually be. This relationship is over, and you are the winner. She is doomed, damned and destine for misery. She needs a mental institution, years of therapy, and drugs. Don't you dare blame yourself, or feel pity for her. You have to keep moving, and distract yourself from thinking about her until the chemicals in your brain adjust, and you form new memories, and habits.
DeleteIf it makes you feel better my girl blocked my phone, and Facebook, she called once three months later, then no reply for another three, then two days of long conversations, then no reply until Christmas. I cried like a baby alone for months. I loss 30 pounds from stress. Made an ass out of myself talking about it to strangers. I couldn't function. I'd talk to myself like a homeless nutter. It took a full year to resemble myself, and another year to return to 100%. Then three years to the date she called to tell me she loved me. She came to visit, and went back home. We talk occasionally, and she continues to tell me she loves me. I still love her as much as ever, but you learn to live with it, and you'll be a smarter, better man when this is over. I feel great now, and you will too. The second you truly accept the reality of her condition, and know you did nothing wrong. That feeling will go away.
You know you were NOT psychotic before you met. It's not you.
DeleteSpecifically-I know that my email is blocked. If she was wanting to do this on purpose, she would not block it, she'd just not respond. It seems healthy to block everything doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteDon't be a retard trying to figure out the meaning of what she does. She's making a statement of complete and total "fuck you". She'll change her mind when she wants to. What did I just tell you. You are not dealing with a healthy person. There is no such thing as healthy. She hasn't been healthy a day you know her. In fact, you don't even know her. Try blocking her, and think about what's healthy for you. You cannot fix this. There is no hope of having a real relationship with her. You have to face the truth, and keep facing it. She is your total enemy right now. You should be totally angry, that's healthy. There are no answers for what's going through her head. At best imaging a child stealing a toy from another. That's as close as you'll get. She hates you right now, and wants you to suffer because she's a selfish, emotionally ill child throwing her usual temper tantrum. That's it. End of story. She is thinking about herself, and when that appears to change and she calls you, she will be doing it for the same selfish reason. All that fun you may have had was about her, not you. You were an emotional dildo, that she used to make herself feel good. You are a toy she really wanted, then discarded like junk. That is how her mind works. She is smart enough to lie brilliantly, to get what she wants. Accept it. Its some some really cold, heartless shit. She doesn't know any better, she's fucking crazy. Her intent is to spite you, and cause you great pain. Knowing that, makes it less painful. Be angry, because there is nothing you can do to change her mind, except rejecting her, and moving on.
DeleteWrite a rant here, telling her what a pathetic loser she is, and why Let it rip.
DeleteAbsolutely correct . You will waste your life on these people .They will destroy you . They are not Sick because that means they could get better . Jeffrey Dahmer was not sick ! It is mental derangement . They cannot help it they are predators you must get this into your head !
DeleteWait now I'm really confused. This ex is still in your life and you still love her as much as ever and see her?
ReplyDeleteThat doesn't sound like a angry rant to me. That sounds like someone who is begging to be abused. On occasion I still talk to almost all of the women I've talked about in this blog. I still have love for all of them. Almost all have expressed that they want me back, but when you are healed from the horrific mind fucking pain you are going through now, you won't do it. When given the opportunity you won't risk going this hell again. You'll forgive, and love them from a safe distance.
DeleteStop being confused and pay attention. Right now is not forever. Right now you have to fix yourself. You're probably bordering a nervous break down because what you believed was not true. Betrayal is a mother fucker. I think of the scene in Braveheart when Wallace discovers LeBruce has betrayed him, and he doesn't kill him, but falls down, in disbelief, wanting to die. As far as I know this is the most painful experience in life.
I'm female, and totally don't understand why you say you love your psycho ex, and at the same time are trying to help others get ruthlessly honest about trauma bonding etc. I would be friendly or at least cordial to exes who deserve my respect. Others I just see as weird losers who preyed on me during times when I was vulnerable. I wouldn't trust a guy who says he still loves a psycho ex who ruined his life. I don't think someone should trust me if I can't discern a relationship that didn't work from a psycho maniac. I'm "no contact" from a psycho, and I'm really surprised in the end these losers save their sorry faces by blocking. What nerve! Said psycho in my life came by once to tell me to lose his cell phone number or he'd report me, and it was all I could do to not laugh. I mean, he used the phone like a weapon, and I had to change my numbers etc. Keep my phones in off mode for two years.It's sick, dark, twisted, ironic, sad, and darkly humorous when they project.I really came to HATE THE WAY I FELT AFTER ANY CONTACT - ALL ADRENALINE CRAZED. Love? That's sacred, bros and gals.Hold it high. Don't cast your pearls to swine. If you did, fish your beautiful love out of the muck and mire, and clean it up until it shines!
DeleteHorrific mind fucking pain is right. I'm trying. Everyday. Already had a couple breakdowns, don't see any in the future I hope.
ReplyDeleteHow are you doing Confused? Any better?
DeleteYou'll recover, it happens. It does. Fuck a new girl. Use tinder. Make yourself feel good. Don't let her turn you cold. But one day it will be your greatest lesson, you'll be fearless and stronger than ever.
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ReplyDeleteHi Buddy , good to read your latest posts, you really know your stuff !
ReplyDeleteI am a 6 1/2 month survivor of a BPD psycho , still fight the feelings occasionally,and at certain times and triggers ( things that remind) . When I feel the pain coming on, I get angry again and start to remember one or two of her psycho episodes and it helps me snap out of it.
ReplyDeleteIt is a constant battle to supress any good memories and replace them with the stark reminders of how quickly a nice day, event, weekend, trip, could all be ruined by one of her episodes.
It has been some comfort to learn that she now des not sleep well at night, texting two or three different guys all through the night, scrambling to find a job and rental accommodation for her and my dog that she stole from me. I have maintained 0 contact and each day feel stronger for it.
One day their looks and body will run out and that wont be able to pull their crap on guys as easily as they do now. I supress those memories by reminding myself of the demon within her, capable of such deceit , lies and outright betrayal ! Let alone the smear campaign she launched on me.
The Doc who enlightened me on BPD said these are the ones who usually end up living in the streets one day, pushing a shopping cart and talking to themselves. Untreated BPD ...
Thanks for keeping this post alive Buddy ! My way of giving back is to try and educate as many Bros as possible about this disorder, hopefully save one .
Regards
At some point you realize the truth is, they are all fucked up, and that's just the way it is. It had nothing to do with you. They'll never be happy. They didn't really do it on purpose. They did it because they are coping with the same painful emotions you suffered, only amplified greatly and they are unable to heal from them by themselves. They've been scarred with a core belief that they worthless, and they hate themselves. They're battling against that, but even the smallest things can trigger it, so they keep running away from it, lashing out against it to defend themselves, and we just got in the way. I believe that from analyzing my own behavior through the experience and then multiplying it. The relief of being over it, and back to my normal self is so good. Just thinking about how I felt during that first year make me cringe. Peace is coming.
DeleteWell done . Took me a year to suddenly wake up too . Unbelievable to wake up and realise how you had been completely conned . But at least you woke up . There must be so many who stay asleep twitching uncontrollably ! .
DeleteThey cannot help themselves . You as a person , as you understand it , are not perceived by them in the same way . They are just not capable .
DeleteSame situation here...
ReplyDeleteI got dumped after relationship of 2years. Never really explaining why exept we are always fighting, I need to do this for myself because I fear I am losing myself(seems classic Borderline to me). No tears, just went to work the next day without ever showing any sign of remorse of consideration of my feelings.
She still wanted to remain friends because she still wanted to play videogames together.. I just was not able to agree with that, acting like nothing happened and playing games... She could NOT understand why it was so difficult for me to move on.
I feel stupid when I remember some of the occurrences in our relationship. For example: I found it difficult to deal with her distrust towards me so I said I needed time if I could be in relationship with this kind of distrust. Later she sent me a picture saying that now I definately would not want her anymore and showing that she cut herself all over her leg... This should have been a red flag but I loved her to much to see it..
Another red flag was when I had words with her female friend and that caused a huge fight between us as well. It finally came to a situation where I had to call her friend to make up the problems before she would even consider of continuing the relationship with her...
I went to the doctor because I was feeling to sick from this breakup to actually keep working(didn't know who this other person was and what the fuck she did with my girlfriend...)
The doctor heard about the self mutilation and the early child abuse and said a serious mental issue was present in this girl. I looked up more info myself on the internet and 90% of the symptoms of borderline were obvious in our relationship. A week before the breakup she cried during a conversation that she was SO scared of losing me and losing herself and then she dumped me without tears or remorse, blaming me for everything that went wrong and that I would never change..
I know her for 8 years in total and in those 6 years we were not in a relationship she said constantly been thinking about me that we were meant for each other but also constantly having small arguments and then pushing me away again for a few weeks, months... 2 years ago she said she could not contain it any longer and told me she LOVED me..
When I agreed to be in this relationship I quickly saw she was feeling depressed, she had big money problems and everyone else was to blame for these problems. I felt like her saviour and she treated me like that every single day. Until of course the small issues we had started to really bother her leading to the eventual breakup... Main reason me being disappointed I would not hear her anymore for one night because her friend was coming over. I told her I wasn't angry about it but that didn't matter one bit... she was convinced that I was angry because she got that feeling(feelings are fact for BPS people).
Anyway... I'm about to end my rant here.. I am still hurting and confused to figuring this out way to late. In way I still miss her but when thinking about it I am missing a dream that was never going to work.
Good luck to everyone going through the same problems!
Regards.
Mine has dropped off the face of the earth. She has changed her number deactivated Facebook and it has been 7 or 8 weeks. I'm going crazy. The night before she left we had sex and she even washed my clothes and folded them. I just don't get it. I want that woman to come back so I can curse her.
ReplyDeleteI also had the most lovable and emotional sex ever with her. The next day, when I was driving her to work, we even talked about how great and full of love it was.. 3 days later she breaks up with the reason that she believed I was angry at her again and could not handle the stress of the relationship...
DeleteTelling her I was only disappointed(not angry) for not hearing or being close to her didn't help one bit... In her eyes I am know a manipulative ahole that was completely to blame for the end of this relationship... Pfff, what the hell goes on in her head I will never know...
What happened was she had something going good, and got to the point were the worry of losing it became terrifying. We are our own worst critics, with her its extreme. She thinks you will figure out that she is the horrible person she thinks she is, and abandon her, which would be a feeling that as you know right now is more painful than anything. With her its extreme. So she hit the reset button, and took control of the perceived abandonment and is starting over with the fresh excitement of a new admirer. Feeding her low self esteem with his elated happiness to be with her. This is the reaction to paranoia. Fear is what motivates this. Its not real. Its not a rejection of you, its a rejection of herself. I doesn't feel that way to you, but you'll see in time, she will call you out of the clear blue. She is thinking about you a lot, and trying to distract herself from doing so. It help you to see this situation you are in for what it actually is, instead of how it feels like it is. Those are two totally different things. You must use this restless energy to improve your life, and motivate you to accomplish a goal. Force yourself to fill the void with a positive habit. If you really must abuse yourself over this, do it at the gym.
DeleteMine deleted facebook too, acted like she had committed suicide. It tortured me. Fuck, it did.
DeleteA year. But when I did know the truth, her diary app said how she had been going to music gigs, saving up money at work, seeing guys. Really, do NOT pity her. She is trying to destroy you. She folded the shit so she can walk away feeling like the good person. She's evil. Trust me, she's fine.
This is awesome. Met my BPD (Bat Shit Crazy) ex 2 months ago...what an electrifying chemistry! She did everything right, spoiled me with affection, gave me every minute of her spare time, included me in all her plans, the sex was incredible...was like I had finally met my match, bearing in mind I was single and so damn happy for the last 18 months after a failed relationship. Then is started falling apart. She would hide her phone as her ex was texting her, she would lie about her whereabouts, cancel plans at the last minute and when I confronted her about it...it was all my fault, I was needy, clingy, jealous and crazy. She dumped my ass after I wanted to know what the hell was going on. A week later, after falling victim to my depression of losing this amazing person I saw her back with her ex at a local restaurant. I sat down at their table and introduced myself to him, telling him I was the one banging the crap out of her for the last 2 months, then accused her of being a lying, cheating skank and walked off. Her tears poured as they argued, they soon left and she paused in front of me with tears in her eyes, before she could say anything I said, "Your tears don't fool me anymore". This was followed by numerous texts explaining how much she hates me, I was a mistake, She doesn't know me anymore. I had won the battle and am stronger and ready for the war as I have read it ain't over till she wins...I got news for her, I ain't no walkover, I deserve better, I am worth more, I am a decent human being who actually cares about others feelings and emotions. Thanks for empowering me, this article is great and I have shared it with friends and family. These people need to be exiled to an island where they can all use each other until death do them part!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, and great job. Those fake tears are just poison dripping her eyes. The victim mentality is pure mental illness, and criminal fraud that infects all of society. Politics is loaded with it. She hates you for exposing her lying fraud, and wants you to suffer for it. I swear its evil.
DeleteI would like to make my contribution to u guys, who have been dumped by a borderline who rebounded straight away... It happened to me 3 weeks ago, and I had no idea about BPD, until now...
ReplyDeleteThey are sick, and there is nothing u can do. It take 5/10 years therapy to get improvement, if they decide to commit, but who is going to believe seriously they will do that. They are scared about attachment, the same for u or a therapist! Their ability to seduce is a way of life to fuel their ego. The same for sex, this is a way to control u, and not feels empty. They are no one, just a mirror of what u are...
I found mine in bed with a guy, one day after she asked to live with me, I missed my flight! She was in such a rage against me, u can not imagine!
I blocked straight away her number, whatsapp or email, I receive 50 calls a day from unidentified Id number! This is crazy! But they are really crazy, bordeline is for me the level zero of schizofreny...
Mine was so sensitive, that if I arrived in a room, she would drop her glas... She was not able to open any door when I was there, dropping her keys 2 or 3 times
Sex was incredible, I am 42, she is 38, it was whenever, whatever, wherever u want, but u can not build a relationship on sex...
It was an experience, but u should just run away as fast as u can!
Sorry for u guys, who hope to get back ur ex, but u will be safer without them lying, cheating or manipulating u. They are abusers, u don't abandon them, their parents did, and u are not supposed to be their punching ball!
Your needs did not matter... Their are like 3 years old in an adult body, no empathy... They have just infected you like a virus to control u...
After extensive search to understand this nightmare, I found this nice blog written by shari schreiber who will explain u a way to heal, and to understand this madness... Understanding u are not the crazy one is ur way to escape ur pain.
But the only satisfaction/revenge you'll ever get with a Borderline, is to shut them out/ignore them completely.
Good luck
Ur blog is great, tks!
They can hide this disorder from you for a long time. I should have listened to my older brother "Piss her off once and see how she handles it".
ReplyDeleteHad some satisfaction the other day when I had to see a specialist she used to work for, an endodontic dentist she used to assist for a few years till he paid her off and showed her the door. When he realized I was the ex, a conversation followed about the horrible experience she put him and his whole office through. "up and down like a yo yo , trouble with all the other staff", he put it.".I gave her a bunch of money just to get rid of her!" So did I , I told him , a car and my dog she stole when she left. Helped me through that day. Remember guys they can hide this disorder for a long time when dating them so pay attention , look for the signs, ask about their parents.
"Camouflage is Natures Craftiest Trick "
Buddy , good of you to keep this blog alive, helps to check in with you
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ReplyDeleteDon't know what I can say to help out here other than time heals , a long time as this was not a "Normal" relationship if you were involved with someone with BPD .Their toxicity wears off on you so getting over someone you cared for with BPD is a different process than a normal break up. They are mentally ill and most are beyond reach of any therapy. Don't try to understand mental illness , just get away from it , set healthier boundaries for yourself and thank God they are out of your life. Educate yourself about BPD, there is plenty of information , that will at least help your mind understand what you encountered . Don't blame yourself , you were just another house in the way of a tornado. Sad thing is they are probably doing the exact same thing to their next victim, as they will never get better. you will...in time .
ReplyDeleteOmg! #13 on your list.... I love you too man.... The best bpd help blog out there. I love your blog
ReplyDeleteI loved the article….especially the part that he has declared war on me. I was in and out of a relationship for the past 3 years, right now off again for about a month now. I know the ex shows many characteristics or traits of BPD and NPD, but I don’t think he has been diagnosed as either. I know for certain, that he and the majority of his family have been diagnosed with ADD and I’ve read that, in a lot of cases, other personality disorders co-exist with ADD. He was controlling and manipulative most of the relationship. Of course, I was only too accommodating, and fell into the role of the caretaker in the relationship. He took advantage of my kindness and generosity. I spent much of my time at his house, interacting with his family, while alienating myself from mine, doing what he wanted me to do, when he wanted me to do it. As of late, I found myself only spending the weekends at his house as we both worked during the week, and I would always arrive at his house, clean it, prepare meals for him and his family, neighbors, whomever, and the routine would start again the next day. I began to feel as though I was his hired cleaning lady, underappreciated, undervalued, and disrespected. As of late, he was having SERIOUS issues with his “adult” daughter. (I hesitate to use that word in describing her). Of course, being the good girlfriend, I would NEVER offer any advice as to how he should deal with the issues his DAUGHTER has, but when ASKED, I offered my opinion to help in some way with what he was going through. He’s always been the one to break up with me….always saying that “we’re not meant to be”, or “I love you, but I not IN LOVE with you”. On one occasion, he told me he thought I was great, and he thought the world of me, but he just didn’t see a future with me, and he didn’t think he could love me. Of course, having heard that, I walked away. Sure enough, he kept minimal contact for a while, dated someone else (I did briefly also) and then, out of the blue, invited me to a play (we often went to see plays together, he held season tickets). I went and we started talking again. I DID mention to him that he’d told me that he didn’t see a future with me, and that he didn’t see himself falling in love with me and asked why, after having told me that, I should WANT to see him or talk to him. He told me that “that was all in the past, comments and feelings of the past, and I had to stop living in the past and live in the present and future”. He also said that he didn’t think that way anymore and he actually felt quite the opposite. What was I thinking???? Well, the relationship lasted another year after that. Now, with all the issues he has with his daughter, the fact that I started to stand up for myself by NOT conforming to HIS schedule, HIS needs and HIS wants, (it’s not like I was completely denying anything that he wanted me to do, just wanted to throw some of my own terms into the equation) he told me again, that “it was obvious we weren’t going to work it out, we weren’t meant to be, he loves me, but he’s not IN LOVE with me, and we just don’t see eye-to-eye on the fundamental issues.” Of course when I asked him for an example of the “fundamental issues” (I knew it was because I didn’t agree with the things he was doing for his children, or the way he was trying to live their lives for them as well) he said that he didn’t have a list, and then followed that up with “there would be no discussion on this matter, HE had made up his mind, and he’s NOT coming back this time”. Fine.
ReplyDeletePART 2
ReplyDeleteI took the money he’d deposited in my Southwest account for future travel with him (we went to Kansas City once a year to see HIS friends), scheduled myself a flight, booked a condo, and will be taking a trip ON HIM, and on HIS birthday. About two weeks after he broke up with me, having spent the money in the Southwest account, I sent him a quick email just informing him that I’d spent the money for the trip that had been cancelled, by him, and rescheduled 4 times already. (felt a little guilty as HE was the one that paid for the plane ticket after I told him I wouldn’t/couldn’t go because I didn’t have the $400 for the ticket. Just felt like I wanted to spend MY money on something I wanted to do) Didn’t tell him where I was going or when (and of course, he didn’t ask). He said “excellent, I hope you have a great trip and were able to utilize all the funds”. Then he said that he needed to get my stuff back to me. I’d told him to get rid of everything, just throw it in the trash. He then asked if I still had his bag of clothes. It was only a t-shirt, pair of jeans, and a $10 pair of flip-flops from Costco. I had no idea that stuff was so important to him. So, I told him I hadn’t thrown it out yet and he said he would like to retrieve that stuff if it wasn’t too much trouble. I told him it wasn’t a problem and said that I’d be happy to MAIL or ship his belongings to him. He said he would STOP by and retrieve those items. WHY WOULD HE STOP BY WHEN I SAID I WOULD SHIP HIS STUFF???!!! Anyway, I realized it was him still controlling the situation, the break-up, the ending, the finalization. I was there, we did the exchange, I wasn’t rude, but I was really non-engaging. After all the other break –ups I would send him a long email about how I didn’t want things to be this way, that the break-up was not what I wanted, that I thought it could work. This time, he got NONE of that from me. I didn’t even say anything to him about the break-up, or how I thought it was wrong when he came for his stuff. So, he gave me a hug, (I released first) and told me to take care of myself. Of course, people are telling me that he’s going to contact me again, perhaps when he gets his life in order, and his children in order, but I don’t think so this time. He’s never said, “he’s made up his mind and he’s not coming back this time”. That sounded pretty final. This is also the longest he’s gone without making some sort of contact.
PART 3 (sorry, just have to vent)
ReplyDeleteLooking back, there were so many instances where I was disrespected, made a fool of and hurt. I can’t even begin to describe the times he forced me to apologize to his friends for things, when I did nothing wrong, but in his eyes, I caused some scene or something that was embarrassing. He MADE me apologize to his friends one time, his son and his girlfriend, and really made me feel like a piece of shit. The time I was forced to apologize to his son it was because I caused a scene and made a fool out of myself, yet, he was the one ranting and raving and yelling. When I talk to his son, he immediately looked at me and said “don’t you dare”. I asked why he said that and he said that I’d better not be apologizing for MY actions when they both saw that his father was the irrational one. I told him that I wasn’t apologizing for MY actions, as I agreed that I’d done nothing wrong, but I was going to apologize for subjecting them to that, and for them having witnessed that interaction/altercation altogether. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the whole thing that set his father off was that I said something nice about his ex-wife (the boy’s mother) and he felt that I was defending HER to HIM and “she’s the reason my kids are so messed up, and she’s a horrible, nasty person and deserves to be dead. Everyone’s life would be better if she HAD died” (not to say that he ever threatened to harm her in any way, cause he didn’t. Just thought that would be a solution to all the problems) I’m still left with the feeling that I just wasn’t what he wanted, that I did everything for him and he couldn’t find it in his heart to love me. We can’t control who we love and who we don’t, so I can’t be mad at him for not loving me. It’s been a month since the break-up, two and a half weeks from the exchange of belongings, and I’ve not heard a word from him. I don’t expect to, but it would be nice to know that I’m NOT the only one suffering here. Anyhoo, thanks for the article….it helped a lot
Out of the frying pan into the fire: While in a long marriage to someone who was irrevocably passive aggressive, I met a gorgeous young woman who made me feel like a million. After years of seriously trying to fix my marriage and being made to feel like crap because of the habitual lying, procrastination, jabs out of nowhere, lack of intimacy, the experience of being made to feel WANTED again was too much to ignore. I admitted defeat in my marriage and proceeded to start seeing my dream girl. You know the rest of the drill. At first I was told she had divorced her husband when she met me because he just was emotionally unavailable, eventually she told me she left him for me. She told me she planned my seduction and I had no chance. We worked on the same project, and she was right--with what she knew of my home situation before I asked for the divorce I had no chance at all. It's amazing how low my self esteem was. Long story short, talk from moving in together and kids went to "you aren't what I thought you were" rather quickly as the divorce date approached and passed. Now she's back with her ex-husband but wants to be friends with me like she is with all of her ex's. What I've been told is the root of our relationship problem is we disagree. And I don't know how to deal with my anger. Her and her ex husband never disagreed (To me that sounds REALLY unhealthy even without the BPD.) And other than one instance, when I've been peeved, my tone becomes sharp, but that's about it. She is allowed to be pissed at me, but the moment my tone is anything other than soft and gentle she gets hurt and runs away. Finally she told me she's going back to her ex because we just wouldn't have worked out. I've read hypersentivity to emotions is one of the trademarks of BPD. Ok. Whatever. As I'm figuring out what I got myself out of, I get her stopping by my desk and calling to find out how I'm doing. As if I MUST be angry and upset. (I saw this coming for the better part of two months and told my family so--they had already met her.) For the most part what really aggravated me was someone telling me what my emotions must be. She fed on pain and fear--she always wanted me to let go and cry.
ReplyDeleteFast forward to last night. I talked to another friend who made me doubt whether this girl is BPD. (She actually tells people she is PTSD from a stalker who I'm betting was made crazy by her BPD.) So I sent a few texts about what she claimed was the problem in the relationship. "Every healthy relationship has disagreements." "And when I'm peeved I need the equivalent of the hug you get when your crying--it's about understanding I'm hurt at the action not at you." I get a phone call shortly thereafter, starting with "I was just with my ex and you sounded hurt." Nope--not hurt, just trying to clear up any misunderstandings (I know I have closure issues.) Very gentle and calm, but very confident of myself. As she starts getting more and more frustrated that I'm NOT hurt and angry I find myself getting calmer as I am more and more sure that SHE is BPD and the true problem isn't with me. I get accused of playing games and being passive aggressive--she knows those are my buttons. I just get calmer and more confident. Finally I get "I can't talk to you anymore tonight." For the most part I sleep like a baby. Almost the best revenge ever! If she decides to mess with me, I have a few other surprises in store.
On the flip side, it helped me realize I needed to get out of a bad marriage I couldn't fix. So maybe, this was part of the master plan to help me move forward in my life.
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ReplyDeleteWell it's been 7 months, and I was sure I wasn't going to make it, but I have and I'm stronger for it. I've had many amazing friends hold me up when I thought I couldn't. I want everyone on this site we are the strong ones. We are the ones they hate because we are everything they wish they could be. I always wondered why mine dumped me, no explanation, just an email... He had been seeing someone for 3 weeks before he dumped me. I still have had no contact. I'm not ready to face him so I still avoid anywhere I think he may go. He has no friends and zero social life so it's not that hard. I thank Buddy Goodlove for this site. I couldn't even begin to tell you how much this has helped. Believe in yourself and know that you are much better off without the BPD in your life!! Stay strong, and remain no contact.
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ReplyDeleteThank you Buddy. I read this website periodically and it helps me keep a little bit of perspective.
ReplyDeleteI know how very deeply I have been hurt and betrayed and cant fully get my head round it even still.
I wrote a story about it, from the perspective of what I thought a BPD person in an imaginary world would feel if they ever realised the carnage they cause to people. if anyone wants to read it you would be welcome. if it gives peace to one person who has suffered this horrendous experience then I would of ben glad to help
I think my ex is bpd...she smothered me with love and compliment s for nearly 8 months...during the same time period ..she would break down and cry..and tell me she was so afraid of losing me...and that as soon as i realized How much better i was than her ...i would be gone..like every body else...the first weekend we were ever alone together. ..we made love...and she cried and told me she was damaged..i didn't see that as a warning sign..because she had been divorced. So had i...and i think that would damage anybody. As time went on i thought we were drawing closer to each other and even got engaged. The last few weeks we were together she was constantly depressed ...she would ask what's wrong with her over and over...said she didn't have the desire to do anything even house work or bills.....her behavior became really defensive the last weekend we were together. ..but she still kept telling me how much she loved me and was never more comfortable with anyone before me and how lucky she was to have me. I never experienced a better love in my whole life and i gave back to her just as much as i got...the day before she broke up with me...she told me i was the love of her life.....and sent love memes all day to me...the next day she broke up with me in a text. ...said she shouldn't base us on her past but she sees red flags..she refused to answer my phone calls....what happened to this woman that loved me and talked to me EVER day for 8 months...she became rude to me and treated me as if we had never existed as a couple....and she did this over night. It's been 2 months now and all my attempt s to reach out have been rejected and my words have been twisted around and used against me....i love her with all my heart...and i always will. ....i even told her in a letter that i know her fear is real and her past issues haunt her and we can see a counselor together. ..i also apologized for calling her cold and heartless. ..while i was grieving because she treated me like i never meant anything to her. She then rejected me and said i don't even know what the problem is because i justify and apologize in the same sentence. ...and how do i expect anything to be any different when you don't respect my wishes enough to back off. And also accused me of being a border line stalker. Now i have no choice...i have to quit reaching out.
ReplyDeleteI really don't understand how she went from loving me to hating me...overnight. ...and don't get how she won't even speak to me after all the time we shared together. ...from what im reading here it looks like they do try to make contact. ..again at some point. I miss her tremendously and wish I could help her.
Hi, i´m here to share my testimony and maybe get some feedback.
ReplyDeleteSo i went into this relationship like 19 months ago with a woman younger than me. Things went really quick between us. At first I was somewhat distant but she found the way to get to me with ease, perfect timing and perfect words. She told me the exact things I wanted to hear. I was the man of her life. She was definitely the woman of my dreams Our sex was AMAZING. I used to tell my friends that I never thought a relationship like that was even possible. Things went by smoothly and perfect during 18 months, I never saw or perceived any red flags. I never even thought about the possibility of getting entangled in a relation with any type of personality traits. Then she started to drift away misteriously and with no visible reason. I inmediately felt insecure about her. I even thought she might be talking to someone else. She told me she felt I wasn´t compromised enough. I answered back that I was so compromised as to move together right away and once that worked into place, get married. I would not allow myself to lose that love. Things got quiet for a couple of days during which we planned our future life together. I was again the love of her life and we couldn´t foresee the future without each other. Then, one night, like a month ago, we went out for a drink and she broke up with me out of the blues with some classic break up reasons. I was in shock. Like a train hit me. Five days later i called her and told her i needed to talk to her. When we met at a coffee house the person i found was a COMPLETE stranger. She went up to me with a huge smile and deep anger and told me she had been great without me, having a spectacular time. She told me she was in a COMPLETE new page (five days afetr breaking up!) of her life, that she did not love me at all (and hadn´t for quite a time), that she was talking to two men that already knew about our break up, and that i please not bother her with calls or anything, that i shouldn´t make things harder. Then she just left and thats all i know of her.
I was devastated with an excruciating pain that I can in no way explain. Never have I felt anything similar in my life. I seeked for help and started therapy where eventually I discovered the possibility of her being a BDP. She matches the quiet BDP traits almost perfectly. Now I can see how i totally missed some huge red flags: she had some type of eating disorders, took pills secretly for that, abandonment issues from childhood (just as myself), some lying, and general poor self image.
Now I am in the midst of the biggest crisis of my life and having enormous problems dealing with it. I have sticked to the NO CONTACT rule. As a matter of fact, i hope never to talk to her ever again in my life. I am doubting i have BDP myself. I have never felt so fucked up.
Buddy u have given me closure thank u thank u thank u
ReplyDeleteJesus Christ, this is almost exactly what happened to me except I am a lesbian. I mean exactly. Wow, this blog is amazing. I need to stay angry.
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome. Met my BPD (Bat Shit Crazy) ex 2 months ago...what an electrifying chemistry! She did everything right, spoiled me with affection, gave me every minute of her spare time, included me in all her plans, the sex was incredible...was like I had finally met my match, bearing in mind I was single and so damn happy for the last 18 months after a failed relationship. Then is started falling apart. She would hide her phone as her ex was texting her, she would lie about her whereabouts, cancel plans at the last minute and when I confronted her about it...it was all my fault, I was needy, clingy, jealous and crazy. She dumped my ass after I wanted to know what the hell was going on."
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ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteBuddy, you have a gift. God bless you for the time you donated, which, in turn, empower d me. A tool in my box that I used as a guide out of the darkness. I just want to say thanks. I think your a good person and in an way, consider you a friend.
ReplyDeletePaul
You're a good man Paul. You're going to be okay.
ReplyDeleteBuddy... Thank God I found your blog. It has been 1 week since my bpd fiancé moved out, so I'm wavering between relief and severe sadness. We were together for 16 months. He proposed to me after 9. Throughout the entire relationship, there was always a reason he needed to be taken care of ( his health, depression, losing a job). I did back flips trying to keep him happy. Among other things, he left me in another state to show up at my brother's wedding alone because " I wasn't giving him enough attention". The first time he verbally abused me, he wouldn't give me eye contact the whole day. He said, " You're a plain Jane. You don't even try. I want a sexy woman." Long short- he wouldn't leave my house so I had the locks changed the next day. He came back crying explaining that he would go to a counselor to figure out why he did that. I gave in. 4 months later, it's over. He fake-called his ex and told me she was coming to beat me up. ( mind you, a few weeks before this he told me he couldn't wait to marry me and we should go to the courthouse tomorrow.) I found pain pills in his pill drawer (he's on several prescription meds) which I confronted him about and he lied until I let him know I had actually looked through his stuff. He was a chain-smoking, binge-eating, pothead. All this and I'm still sad! Thank you for your blog. It gave me some relief today!
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate reading this blog as well as all the comments. Being with someone with BPD has been the most hear wrenching experience I could imagine. I dedicated my life to her in every way and in the end was discarded like a piece of shit. It's like I never meant anything to her. Looking back, I know in my heart she is nothing more than a selfish evil person who was incapable of love. She was someone to give my love to but when I needed something emotional she never showed she cared. I stayed with her because we were absolutely best friends and we did everything together. We had many common interests. I do miss this aspect. I was always concerned for her well being and mental health. I actually suggested she had BPD and helped get her into the proper program. We did couples therapy with her BPD therapist but once we got into it, it was obvious she was not willing to put forth any effort to make me happy or fix the relationship. That was it for me and I cut it off. I had spent 5 years trying to love her with getting very few crumbs of love and attention in return. I was definitely seduced in the initial stages of the relationship and so as a normal person I figured we should be able to just get back to that. Looking back on things it just hurts. It feels so unfair. She was physically abusive at times, cut me off emotionally all the time when I needed closure, never apologized for anything, stopped being affectionate. The whole time instead of getting rid of her, I tried to fix and improve things. Big mistake. My advice to anyone is to just never ever date someone with BPD. It's that simple. They are not going to get much better even with therapy. Once she entered therapy, she focused more and more on herself and less on me. She had work to do to improve herself. This was just another excuse for her to be selfish, which is their true nature. They are hateful, self-loathing, empathy challenged people who should never be around healthy people in a close relationship. Now I know why she doesn't have one friend. Now for the ultimate screw job. Once we separated and were seeing if things might get better, she started dating someone in her group therapy. The therapy that I got her into! As soon as that happened she said "I don't think it was a good idea to be friends" and cut me off 100% from all communication. I've been in pain for a month now every single day. I've lost weight. I'm having night sweats. Pain in my stomach. I know she's not worth it but it still hurts so bad to be treated like this after everything I did for her. I do miss the companionship but I know she is bad. Still, it's a real mindfuck that I can't seem to get past. I keep thinking how her and this new guy are in love like it was in the beginning for us. I picture her screwing him even though she wouldn't come on to me for years. It's hard. I'm glad for resources like this where I can vent. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteGreatest day of your life, my friend.
DeleteShe lies, ask her proof of date with a face ;) she cant committ to anyone
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ReplyDeleteMy wife left me 2 moths ago. After a 15 year long marrige with 3 kids.
ReplyDeleteIt started with a fantasy that she had. I never met her imagination , but she thought I had a relationship with another woman . We had planned that I would meet her imagination and she knew that I was talking with the woman , and she also had access to the conversation. But suddenly she became mad and said she was leaving me .
Her outbreak took a large part of our relationship. She pressed me down everyday and threatens to take her own Life, and if she does it it’s my fault. She shuts herself in the room with a bunch of pills. she threatens to choke herself with a belt around her neck, and have taken down many doors to prevent her from making that misstake.
every time I want to leave her, she blocks the door and wont let me go . She rips my clothes and cuts up them . When I manage to go she calls me and threatens that if I do not come back , she will take her own life .
She has also threatened the children with suicide and no one understands her. She never think that she is doing something wrong, but everyone treats her bad.
She can throw herself on the floor and scream and smash things when she gets her outburst.
Her outburst comes from nowhere , one minute she can be happy and then she becomes angry and sad and depressed .
She always said that if she took her Life everyone would be happy, and that no one understands her.
She can never finish a fight but she always says that she is ill and can not be bothered to discuss.
Now recently , she has started chat with a guy in her child’s age, she claims she is like a mother , and she helps him.
If I ask her if I can see what they have written , she gets mad and panic attacks , she can not breathe and erase everything.
Now she has left me and lives with her mother who lives in the same area .
I told her that she can come home and that I can move out , but she doesnt want that..
She wants me to be with the children at home.
She wants to control me even though she has left me
For fifteen years she has been aggressive, she has beaten me and said the world’s nastiest things. And threatened to ruin my life if I leave her.
We can be out and if I turn my head so she can erupt because she thinks that I look at another woman, though I do not.
Now, after all this, I have asked her to come back, but she says she is empty of emotions and have to think. She thought that I pressed her, and after 2 weeks so she said it’s over.
But sometimes she calls me and asks me to drive her to places
And then she can say that I take all the money from her.
She has a big money problems
And a overeating
She argued with her two oldest children
And have no contact with them.
She has borderline to 100 percent, though she denies it.
All her adult children and her old relationships says that she has it
She has said that she has always been afraid of being alone.
I talked to her ex husband and she had done the exact same thing to him.
She had erupted beaten him and had her panic attacks and seperation anxiety
Both I, the big kids and her ex husband who is the father of the big kids think she has borderline because she has always done so
Her ex husband left her and she struggled a lot to get him back, but now it is on the oppisite, she left me and what happens now?
Otherwise , she has had brief relationships , and then she got tired quickly on them. Or they noticed her behavior and left her I do not know
She has always said she loves me so much that it hurts her soul. How can she leave me when I was everything to her?
My question to you is :
will she come back
She wants me to remain in the apartment with all things while she is staying with her ??mother.
She does not want me to move from the apartment , but she does not want to come home
How do I deal with someone with borderline
I wonder what to do ? is she comming back or will she disappear forever.
What should I do to get her back?
Do the opposite of what she wants. Move out immediately, and throw all that crap out. Start a new life with out her. Start living for you, and your kids. Abandon her in every way. If she has a problem with it, too bad. Tell her, until she gets help, you have nothing to say.
DeleteI broke up with my ex borderline 4 months ago and have come back to read this blog many, many times. It has helped me a lot, so thank you for that. Anybody reading this for the first time, go back and read #9 on the list. It IS guaranteed. As bad as you feel now, you can't believe the feeling once you are truly over this relationship. It is more than worth the hard work you have to put into letting this person go.
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ReplyDeleteThank you for this! I came across this searching high and low for some insight. This passage lifted at least 25 pounds off my chest. I feel so much better and not alone. It seems you're speaking directly to me about my ex. I read this just now at work and broke down in tears. Some of them were pain but mostly they were tears of joy stemming from relief and understanding. I have never connected to anything online more personally than this. Thank you so very much!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, I know the feeling. Grind it out my friend. You'll return to your awesome self, and be smarter, and stronger than ever before.
DeleteGot dumped myself by a BPD yesterday. I saw it coming so at least at this moment I'm ok with it. Blogs and message boards like this really helped me out over the last month. Deleted her contact info and unfollowed on her on all social media immediately after it happened. (Broke up with me by text message) it honestly felt good to be able to cut some of the ties we had myself before she got the chance to.
ReplyDeleteThough I've read many stories about them running back to partners after a breakup, and she's told me that's something she does as well, I don't expect it. Sucks that it's over, when it was good, it really was great. But the bad times are an experience I don't want to repeat.
Good for man. Often they'll dump you because they want to break you, and control you. Its a fight to wear the pants. Let them go. Enjoy some peace. There will be another, and another, and another.
DeleteHi, I've recently been ditched (again) by my bpd girlfriend, I'm a girl and we both have kids, this has been ongoing for 4.5 years!! I said I'd never be someone else who walked away from her.. The last time we split up was last yr, we were living together and she woke up one morning and said it was over, took her months to move out and was hell!! We didn't speak for some months but we did and somehow it got serious again, we were spending all our time together and staying over at weekends!! Even though she told me she loved me she has now met some GUY (she smokes weed and he's her dealer) and she's in love with him and she's going to spend her life with him! I'm broken because I put my faith in her again, she wants to stay friends but it's clear she doesn't care. Don't know what to do because I'm not eating, sleeping or caring about much. Any advice welcome!! Oh and of course everything was always my fault and we were only friends so why am I so upset.. I mean WTF? Who does all that with their "friend"?
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ReplyDeleteHi Buddy Goodlove, this blog has been of much help to me, in the worst time of my life. I want to thank you the time and effort to try to help others in this fucked up situation!, thanks dude you really have a good heart to share what you learned...
ReplyDeleteMy girlfriend of 5 years cheatd on me several times and she has a lot others ugly symptoms, like self-harm and rage impulses....In my case is a bit complex, because even when does has BPD, and she has done lost of awful things to me... she keeps saying that she loves me, but at the same time she got a replacement as soon as we broke up.... Im still shocked about how soon she forgot the 5 years, but at same time im shocked because she still talks to me as if she cares but then she behave like i dont really exist for her anymore.....
Lots of confusion right now... She also told she had never get over an affair she had before we met each other, and now she is also in touch with him again, and not just that, with her ex and she seems to have an secret relationship with someone who is married.. WTF! ¿what happened to her? altough she has rate attacks, she is mostly shy and a serious person.... i cant stop crying but for her is like a party.....
I am more devastated by the fact that she got in touch with that past-affair because she always told me i was the love of her life, but now she seems to think he has always been, and i feel dumb to be used as a distraction for that person.... I mean, why i was not able to make her forget that person in more than 5 years? Yes i can understand that sometimes people stay in our minds in one way or another., but 5 years? why did not she said a word about this before?
I even took her to two doctors because she was suicidal in a time, she got better with medication and when she got better she cheated on me, i did not knew it in the moment until she confessed years later. Im still surprised because she seemed to be totally obsessed with me.
I think it would be better if she were more like the agressive type, in that case i would feel anger easily but she acts like she still cares about me, and sometimes it only confuses me a lot and makes me suffer more, because it makes me think that she cant help to love him more than me, and that he just feels pity now.
I have decided to go no contact, as i cant tolerate to keep knowing about his new affairs, but sometimes i cant help it and writte her another new email.....
anyway maybe not all BPD's are agressive, she insults me only when she gets desperate but in general she doesnt talks to me agressive....
but your blog has made me realize that i must take care of myself, and not to fall in her game, i suffer a lot but im also angry and mad as i have never been before with no one else, sad that its her...
thanks a lot for your effort to help others, your blog has give me a bit of hope
sorry for bad english im still learning, greetings for mexico
I know the feeling my friend. You're doing the best you can, and eventually you will let it go.
DeleteI have been seeing someone for a year and she literally breaks up with me every day. She blocks me from her phone which she has been doing for almost 10 months out of the year. When we are together everything is great but the minute I get home I will get a text saying she cant be with me has a fear of me. She will contact me I feel sorry and then I will see her again and the cycle continues. I get so mad that I call her names have told her she has BPD and then she goes off on me says she doesn't want to hear from me ever again. Of course she contacts me. I know I need to move on but I wish I new what was wrong with her
ReplyDeleteWhat's wrong? She thinks way too much and works herself up into a cluster fuck of anxiety and paranoia. It means she'll eventually convince herself that you're the crazy one.
DeleteYou are so right. She will never admit anything is wrong with her its always what I have done. What sucks is I care about the girl and remember the good things but its exhausting. She has selective memory and never remembers all the things I have done for her. In your opinion does she have BPD and is there any way that this relationship would ever be normal? She is 47 and acts like a 10 year old. She was married for 17 years and I just don't get it how her ex stayed with her. She divorced him. She has a 15 year old and a 12 year old. Her ex is having his girlfriend move in and it is driving her nuts. She maid a comment to me "I am going to tell my ex we are getting married and I am moving to his part of town and see how he likes it" I mean what the fuck does that mean? Its like she is using me for some reason. I invited her to Florida and a week before we were going to fly she cancelled. She cancels all the time but we always get back together and I think its just because she wants to have sex. Its been a cluster fuck to say the least.
ReplyDeleteShe needs you to regulate her self esteem. Sex is a distraction from her paranoid thoughts. When she's alone they torment her. Don't take it personal, it never is.
DeleteYou know what else is odd. I think the more pissed off I get at her and the more I insult her she then responds and we end up hooking up. Its so fucked up and twisted. Sorry for rambling
ReplyDeleteThank you Buddy for these posts. I was with a guy for 3.5 years. He had a terrible ex who was just evil. I wanted to show him I was one of the good guys. We hit it off, like a dream come true. I felt like I met my soulmate. Even the sex was too good to be true.
ReplyDeleteHe was going back to school and had a history of unstable jobs. My lifestyle was one of stability, education oriented and just a grounded, stable lifestyle. I wanted to provide stability and care to his life.
Things moved fast where he moved in pretty quick. I came home once, only to find he had moved out while I was at work. Confused and dumbfounded, we talked. We resolved his issues and he moved back in.
I later bought a house, with him moving with me. Again, I came home one day and he was gone. Same deal. He created these issues that he said I had. He couldn't live with these issues. In talking again, he realized he was creating these stressful situation, that these issues were not real.
He had anger issues. Throwing me across the room once. Of course, I made him push me. He said he felt I was going to hit him, thus he pushed me away. I've never hit anyone.
He went on a three week vacation to a warm, sunny state. We Skyped, talked everyday. He sent me beach pictures and we told each other we missed each other. I missed my partner who I loved.
Four days after he returns, he tells me he isn't happy with the neighborhood. For the past two months prior to his vacation, he has been hounding me to sell my house. He tells me he wants to move to the sunshine state and start his own business selling baked goods.
I'm confused, we talk, I get more confused. I go to bed. He comes to bed where we have sex. I tell him I love him. He tells me he loves me too.
The next day he moves out. He tells me in a text he still loves me. Talk about confusion. Furthermore, he refuses to tell me why he left.
I try to contact a family member of his. He finally responds via email with a laundry list of flaws that I have. Suddenly we are too far apart in age.
I was in a state of confusion for about a week. I later found out he was diagnosed with BPD years ago. I've read info in books and online on the topic. I also suspect he and family members have narcissistic traits as well.
There has been no closure. He refuses to have an adult conversation about things. Just moved on and swears he talked to me about things. It's just crazy.
Reading these posts put things in perspective. He is just a damaged person. His actions have nothing to do with me. Thank you for providing this mean of communication, helping us non BPD individuals.
You sound like you have a lot to offer. You don't need to waste it on flake. Treat yourself to something special. You've earned it. You'll be alright. It seems something better eventually arrives, and you'll be grateful you didn't miss it.
DeleteHow do you think my current BPD girlfriend stayed in a marriage for almost 20 years. I don't get it. He must have been a saint if he went through the same bullshit I have been going through. She blocks me from text every day and then will contact me and I go out with her and then the cycle begins almost daily. What I don't get is she divorced her ex husband. How in the hell did he stay in that relationship is beyond me. I almost want to call him and find out what the hell is wrong with this women. Its so hard to move on.
ReplyDeletebuddy,
ReplyDeleteI don't know who you are, but you have helped me so much! I am absolutely depressed by my bpd exgirlfiend.
reading this helps.
love u too, man. you must have been here.
buddy,
ReplyDeleteI don't know who you are, but you have helped me so much! I am absolutely depressed by my bpd exgirlfiend.
reading this helps.
love u too, man. you must have been here.
Best day of your life, my friend. You just don't know it yet. Do your best to grind out this emotional detox. Good times are on the horizon.
DeleteI was with my ex girlfriend for 4 years. I didn't know she had bpd until after she left me for the second time.
ReplyDeleteShe left me for a drug dealer user twice. When she left the first time she showed up at my house with a moving van. I was crushed. She said there wasn't a guy involved but I knew she was lying. She would text me to say she missed me then when I told her I wanted to get back together she replied she needed her space.
Im embarrassed to say I became suicidal at one point and ended up in therapy.
She came back but wanted to be engaged. So I bought a ring and proposed. 3 weeks later I came home to a note that she couldn't marry because her heart belongs to someone else and to get my money back for the ring. At 9:21 that night she reposted a picture of me and her on Facebook and said " we're cute together . I do love this man. At 9:42 she wrote the letter. At 10:12 the drug dealer picked her up.
I've been nothing but a bucket if emotions the last 2 weeks. That's how long it's been. I cry and wail almost every day. I've been in no contact for 12 days now. Haven't heard from her. Still miss her.
Your site is helping.
Hi...are people still checking this? I am not sure if this is only for men, But I really could use some help. Thank you, Lisa
ReplyDeleteHi Lisa,
DeleteI'm checking. I'm going through it too right now. I'm on day 15 of no contact. What's going on with you.
My story is sorta sad and long. Quick recap. Hooked up Jan 2015. Telling me she loved me and wanted to marry me in a couple of months. I met my dream person. Around July she lost her dad and i was there every step of the way. Around that time, the cold shoulder hit and miss started, the demeaning talk, the push pull roller coaster eggshells. I would remind her of the girl who sent me daily love letters, she would tell me to stop cause she didn't care. She dumped me feb of this year but never stopped talking to me. Eventually she was telling me she loved me again in July and she wanted a life with me. In August it was back to, go live your life and you can't be easy. To completely cutting me off in September. I begged to see her early October, she said fine. She ended up hugging me and telling me she thinks about me. The next day it was move on, I'm gone and I don't think about you or miss you. Haven't heard from her since. I did everything for this girl. Helped her thru an injury, comforted her when no one else was around. She would never talk about her dad, didn't care when I needed her to come with me to go the hospital...said it didn't sound like fun. It was all on her terms and she let me go only to bring me back to let me go again...permanently this time. I am so fucking sad. No clue where the girl I met went. She went from loving me like crazy to literally telling me that i am all about her and stop overthinking. I never knew who I was going to get on the daily but once the beginning her disappeared, she only came back randomly or when I seemed confused. She legit told me she loved me in July and a week later when I went to kiss her looked at me with disgust.
DeleteShe also didn't care when I told her my son was diagnosed with autism and I was so upset. She barely said anything but oh that's too bad. This from the girl who told me she wanted to raise my kids with me (before she even met them). My therapist says she is a narcissist cause of the lack of empathy OR has bpd. Cause she went from loving me one week (I have all the text messages to prove it) to telling me to give up hope and out chapter is done and she doesn't think about me or miss me (a week later)
DeleteDear Lisa.
DeleteBeen there, exactly at the same place you are now. Never understood where the fuck did that lovely beautiful person I met went to. One day I woke up to a total stranger. I thought I would die from pain. Then, I eventually knew (and decided) I had to work myself out of the shithole. And the road i walked (and am still walking) is one of therapy, focused on understanding what parts of myself are attracted to sick relations where I will eventually be dumped with no pity. Because finally that is what matters: understanding the issues within ourselves that brought us there in the first place. So live your process as a gift from life. An unvaluable gift that you can use to grow exponentialy.
Please excuse my incomplete english for it is not my first language.
Love and regards for you.
JeyCee
I was on day 16 of no contact when she sent me a text wishing me happy birthday. I started not to reply but a friend told me that my had just lost her grandmother a couple of days before. I sent a text back saying thanks and sorry for your loss. She replied thanks. Then I thought that a text was so impersonal with dealing with a bereavement so I called her. She didn't answer. I just left her a message.
ReplyDeleteI've been working out, eating right and talking to family to help me through this.
I actually went on a couple of dates with a new girl who is extremely hot and half my age... I still think about my ex every day. I haven't cried in 2 days though...I still wake up thinking about her
Sorry, that sounds like a huge load of unacceptable bullshit you've been dealing with. It will pass, so let it. You did the best you could. Its not your fault she's nuts. That's just way she is. Unacceptable. Unworthy. Adjust accordingly.
DeleteThanks Buddy.
DeleteI'm getting through this. It has been a serious psychological trauma the way I was blind sided but I'm gonna get through this. I really appreciate your site.
What do you guys think I should do? What her deal is?
DeleteHer deal is she's nuts!!! They have a jacked up distorted view of reality! My borderline broke up with me and gave me the same line about being in a new chapter in her life and how I wasn't in it. Then 42 days later wanted to be engaged to me. Then 3 weeks later couldn't marry me because her heart belongs to someone else. All you can do is show you care less than they do. If you care too much or show them you love them they run for the hills. Once they know for sure you love them it sends them running for the hills like roaches when you turn on the light. I know how you feel. I know you miss her and want her back. You can't tell her you miss her. You can't tell her you love her. If you talk to her talk about anything but getting her back or how you feel....the first I miss you or I love you or let's get back together will be greeted with you need to move on...but when you do start seeing someone else she'll show up to screw that relationship up then leave again...trust me, I know from experience.
ReplyDeleteYou can talk to her about anything as long as it's not about missing her, loving her or getting back together is how that should read.
ReplyDeleteShe doesn't want to talk to me. She basically was like...go live your life (even tho a week prior told me we can't hang out cause we would fall back into a relationship...which is like ok you feel for me then!!!). Clearly not as she cut me off and doesn't seem to give a shit about me at all
DeleteHi all,
ReplyDeleteIt's been 7 months since my ex ripped my heart out!! Ended up on sleeping tablets, antidepressants and lost 3 stone. It was hell on earth and I understand everyone when they say it's the hardest thing they've been through but I'll say this... I'm glad she did it, I'm glad she left me because I'd still be there taking the abuse. There is a part of me that will always love her but now I'm in a new relationship. This girl I'm with is different in every way and sometimes I'm shocked that she reacts differently to my ex. Hang in there people, it is absolutely worth going through the pain just to be happier. Trust me it'll get better cos they just don't care.
How did you get over this? She still goes to all of our mutual activities and hangs with our mutual friends and I can't...I can't see her. She apparently couldn't care less
DeleteAvoid her like the plague!!!
DeleteLisa, you say apparently she couldn't care less, I'm sorry to say she probably doesn't. They don't have the ability to care about anything but themselves!!! I look back and wonder if my ex ever cared as much as I did am I'm convinced now she never did. It's a harsh reality but as time goes on that will become easier to deal with.. I know this is brutal now but you WILL get through it and you WILL be thankful one day that she set you free.
DeleteMy ex fiancee put me thru hell. This was the worst experience of my life. I lost 20 lbs. Had to take trazadone to sleep. Was prescribed xanax to relax, and am currently in therapy. It's been about 5 weeks now since she ended the engagement and left me for what she described as a bum.
ReplyDeleteI still dream about her, but I no longer see her in my dreams. It's like I hear her voice calling me from a distance. I've stopped taking the trazadone to help me sleep and I'm sleeping very well.
I read the post on this blog daily. There is so much information here. It helps to understand that it isn't my fault. There is nothing I could have done. I also read shrink4men and living better almost daily. The thing I like about sex love and war is it's was written by a regular guy who went thru what I am going thru. He reached back to help guide others through this horrible, painful experience, to help them get thru to the other side. I'm grateful for that. I've listened to the advice and its actually getting better. I was crying ever day. I haven't shed a tear in nearly a week.
When she takes over my thoughts, I now start thinking of the relationship I had before her. Those were good times. I was happy before I met my borderline. I will be happy again. Thinking of my previous relationship has helped.
I work out. I have become a beast in the gym. I converted a room into a gym in my house and I go at it hard. This makes me feel good. I also set up a heavy bag in my gym and I punch the hell out of it. This too makes me feel good.
If you are reading this then you are in some of the worst pain of your life. I know you don't believe this but it will get better. Just hold on. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Cry to let the poison out because you have been bitten by a rattle snake. You can't keep a rattle snake as a pet no matter how much you want to bring it in from the cold. It will bite you every time. The same goes for your bpd ex. If you get back with them you will go thru this pain again and again until you end your dance with them permanently. I know it's hard, but the best thing you can do is give them a gift. The gift of missing you indefinitely.
Think about it. Life is short. Life is too short to waste what little time we do have chasing behind someone who doesn't want to be with us, who doesn't appreciate us, and who wants to cause us pain and abuse us. You deserve better and so do I.
I spoke to my ex a couple of days ago and got a pain in my stomach after talking to her. It was turmoil and anxiety and it hurt! I have peace when I'm not talking to her. Then I woke up and realized that I don't ever want to go thru this again...so I'm not going to put myself in the position to go thru this again. I love her but I love me more now. She had her chance and she blew it.
My borderline had poor impulse control. She couldn't tell herself no to anything. It was like dealing with a 10 year old child. What adult wants to be in a relationship with a child? Letting go of my ex is one of the hardest things I've had to do. But the pain of being with her and having her cheat on me, and leave me for other guys is far worse than the pain of letting her go. I've planned it out. I'm going back into no contact for good. I'm going to meet other people and enjoy life. I'm going to be with those who appreciate me. Some one will appreciate my kindness and not rip my heart out for showing love. It's her loss....not mine.
Lisa you sound like a sweet person. I know the pain you are in. You need to focus on you and healing right now. Avoid going to places your ex will be at. Avoid her at all cost!!! She can only bring you pain. She is poison! You have been poisoned and you are trying to get more of the same poison to make you better...it ain't gonna happen. It's only gonna make you sick.
ReplyDeleteAvoid her,go into to no contact for 30 days. If at the end of that 30 days you still feel like she is the best thing since sliced bread go do another 30 days. I actually feel better when I don't talk to my ex. I put a ring on her finger and was prepared to spend the rest of my life with her despite all of the red flags I saw. I'm sure you saw the red flags also. She won't change!!! All you can do is protect yourself. You need time to heal. You may have to cry. But you need to avoid her and do not contact. Work out, be kind to yourself, pray, meet new people, but stay away from your ex. She can only bring you pain.
Visit the shrink 4 men website and the living better website....and read the post on this website. They all help. I know. You'll start to feel better...and when you do you won't wanna be abused any more and you won't let her have power over you.
One more thing. I just talked to a friend of mine who is a nurse in a psychiatric ward. I asked her about borderlines. She said you can't fix them. They end up on the street because they have poor relationships, many can't hold a job, many do drugs to feel better, and their families get tired of helping them. She also said they can't stand dealing with them.
ReplyDeleteWe were just talking but she told me it would be stupid of me to get back with my borderline. She said with all I know about bpd now, if I take her back I won't have any peace...and if I do take her back I deserve what I get. Well since I like peace in my life I'm leaving my borderline alone. Not because of what my friend said, but because I'm tired of being abused by her...and because my family and friends helped me thru a rough time...I wouldnt be able to face them if I got back with her...especially knowing she's going to do it again because that's what they do!
My fear is i got her pegged all wrong and I just am making this up so I will feel better about the rejection. Yet my friends and family and therapist all agreed she has a bpd....I am the only one who can't seem to see it...I mean it was push pull and eggshells and I was a wreck...why can't I see her for who she is?!? It's like I have a block!!!! If I could see her for the sick person she is...I would be so much better along. I still think this is me. I wasn't good enough. Even tho i did everything...somehow I was the reason she left...I was not worth it!
DeleteShe hasn't spoken to me in over a month...her choice...like legit told me she doesn't think about me or care about me. I nursed her back to health after a concussion and she doesn't even care :(
DeleteLove is a drug. It causes you to put up with crap you ordinarily wouldn't put up with. Sometimes when you're outside and you step in a pile of dog crap, you can't smell it until you walk away from b it. You're still standing in the crap. As soon as you start detaching from her emotionally you'll start to realize it's her. It sounds like she has bpd from what you've said. I've read everything I can about it including reconciling after a break up. Everything I have read says if you get out stay out! These relationships are not healthy aND never last
ReplyDeleteStill missing her and Lisa, I wish I could meet you guys and hug you!! Sounds cheesy as I'm not the hugging type but you're both in places I've been!!! Lisa mate, you can't fix this girl, believe me I know. You'll go through every emotion known to humankind before you can live again! I went through this phase of being all spiritual, believing our souls were connected and destined to be etc.. Sounds crazy (I think I was) but I ended up speaking to the medium who gave me some advice, not as a psychic person but as a human being and she said.. Some people, especially those we mental health disorders have addictive personalities. We are simply addicted to them, like a drug, it's like you need another "hit" because when they're loving they make you feel so good. From the moment I spoke to this woman my life changed because I knew what I was going through was withdrawal symptoms!! It's a physical and psychological reaction to loosing the drug in your life. It'll involve not sleeping, eating or functioning normally but you will survive I promise.. Maybe it's all a load of crap but it got me through perhaps the darkest days of my life, I've now got boundaries with my ex and I only speak to her when I choose to.. Still missing her, you seem to have had the same realisation that we all do eventually, you can't fix her!!! Sadly she's broken and she will float through life leaving a trail of destruction in her wake.. Just now it won't be you anymore!!! We all deserve to NOT be cheated on and constantly dropped and picked up again. 5 years I've known my ex and for the first time I can stand tall and say "I don't love her anymore" and guys... It feels amazing.
ReplyDeleteThanks guys! I hate that I miss her so much when I wasn't even getting anything at the end...if she put her arm around me it had the same magnitude as it did when we used to have sex...it kills me to know I was her nurse and the only one in her corner and she couldn't care less. I have broken up with people because I was no longer in love but still always cared about them because they were a part of my heart. I can't make sense of her not caring in the least...shit I would still be there for my previous ex if she needed me. Just because I wasn't in love doesn't mean I stopped caring. I will always care for someone who was kind and good to me, just timing didn't work out.
DeleteThanks charlotte,
ReplyDeleteThis has been an ordeal but I'm getting stronger and better each day. I am recovering. I know what she is. I can't be with her anymore. To get back with her would be setting myself up for pain. I can't go through this again. I focus on all of those red flags that should have sent me running to begin with and now I know to stay away.
This website has been a tremendous help. Thanks for your support...I want to give you and Lisa hugs as well.
You are doing such a great job, remind yourself that if you have a bad day. I'm in a new relationship now and there's been times that I've been so apologetic and she's had to tell me to stop, that I've done nothing wrong!!! I still expect an over reaction which I don't get and it's at those times I realise how bad it was. Me and the ex had an argument over msg the other night to which I informed her that I "passionately dislike" her and she agreed, the next day she asked me to pick her kids up from school and I think... "WHAT PLANET ARE YOU ON"... It's pure madness but I know I'm better without it and I'm relieved she did this to me.. I'm in the UK, where are you guys?
DeleteI'm in the United States...Alabama. thanks for your support. This experience has definitely changed my life. I started doing research on sociopaths. I was so shocked that my ex had all of those signs as well. Now if someone sneezes I think the have bpd or might be a sociopath lol. Just kidding. But I am cautious.
DeleteI'm in Toronto, Canada and today...today i don't think I have stopped crying. She travels in the same circles we used to and she is out there happy as can be, where I had to stop seeing these people. I feel like I can't do this. The shitty thing...I miss her.
DeleteLisa
DeleteI read am article at shrink 4 men. One of the comments that was made really stuck with me. Basically your ex pissed in your coffee...you don't want to continue to drink it. You need to throw that coffee out.I truly understand your situation. I'm down here in this state by myself. My ex was my family. Her family was my family. She pissed in the coffee and now I have to find coffee elsewhere.
It's ok to cry. Get the poison out. I cried almost every day for a month. I'm on my third week of no tears Praise God!
I know you're hurting. But it will get better. Exercise, go for walks, be kind to yourself, and read as much as you can on those sites I mentioned earlier. I actually had a session with Dr T from shrink 4 men. It helped.
Update: "...and the truth shall set you free."
ReplyDeleteI am on week #2 of no more tears! I had been dreaming about her everyday. I have gone 3 nights of sleeping with out dreaming about her.
I know what she is now and I no longer want to be with her. I have let her go...I have peace now. She is a sociopath. Once I did research on sociopath behavior it was totally her. The truth shall set you free my friend...I will keep you posted on my recovery...I wish you well my friend. It does get better. Just let them go...
I fell in love with a man, whom I thought was wonderful and perfect. Things went very fast. Everything was great at first. We never argued, he showered me with attention and compliments, we couldn't get enough of each other. I was happy and on Cloud 9. Then, I found out I was pregnant. We talked and decided to keep the baby. I expressed my concern over becoming a single parent and he repeatedly reassured me that wouldn't happen, that we would raise the baby together, in the same household.
ReplyDeleteI became sick and moody for about a month. He suddenly became very cold towards me, seemingly not to care about what I was going through. Then he started pushing me away. His texts and calls became less frequent. The compliments declined. He said he was going to move in with me, then the week he had to be out of his apartment, he changed his mind, saying he was going to keep it for another 2-3 months. Two weeks later, he changed his mind again, saying he was moving in that month. Again, when the week came to finalize the move, he backed out again. He kept telling me that I was trying to "control" him, that he can't handle all the stress, etc.
I seen him one day, he told me he loved me and gave me a kiss goodbye. Two days later, he became enraged over something that I had absolutely nothing to do with and did ZERO harm to anyone. He text me and told me that I've made some real progress and we were done. Out of the blue. Made no sense. I was hysterical, messaging him and reminding him about all of his promises and that I'm pregnant and what about the baby. He said What about it, it doesn't need us to be together. Very cold.
When I started digging around, I found out he had cheated on me AFTER we found out I was pregnant and while he was staying most nights at my house. This was basically a one-night stand, afterwards he told the girl to not message him, that he was having issues and wanted to be alone. It happened the same week-end that he told me he was keeping his apartment for another 2-3 months.
We have other children involved - his and mine. They know each other and have spent time with each other. He had avoided telling his children about the baby, kept saying he was afraid they were going to be mad at him. They do know now, but basically because he was forced to tell them.
After sending messages to him calling him out on everything he did or didn't do, his empty promises, etc., I became quiet. I went over 34 hours without contacting him. I spent that time researching, trying to understand what just happened. I then sent him a message, listing the symptoms of BPD that fit him to a T. I also said that there is help out there, that life doesn't have to be so "hard", that things could be easier, if he chooses to deal with what is really going on. His reply to me was "You know all these hate messages are not doing any good.". I replied and told him that I did not feel it to be hateful, that I'm concerned for his well being and my heart aches for that good person that is in there, that person he has shown me. He did not reply. 4 hours later, he sent me a text of a picture of a Buck that he had just shot while out hunting. I replied Nice. 1 hour later, I received another text stating that he still has stuff at my house that he needs to get sometime. I told him it was all gathered and in one place. He asked if he was allowed to get it. I asked him to just text me first before he shows up so I make sure my daughter is not home. He replied O.k.... That was last evening and I have not heard from him since.
I'm confused, hurt, bitter, sad, etc. He has never admitted to any mental health issues and refuses to take any medication, even simple Tylenol. He said it doesn't work for him.
What does all of this sound like to the rest of you? Should I ignore him? Will I hear from him? Will he try to come back? Just very confused. Trying to sort out everything that has happened.
Dear Confused bitter,
DeleteI'm sorry to hear of the pain you are in. My heart truly goes out to you. You have been emotionally raped by a monster who has no conscience and shows no remorse. He does not have the capability to love. The only thing he leaves is a wake of destruction in his path. I'm sorry that you were in his path but you will recover.I know it's hard and painful and probably the hardest thing you've ever gone through but you will recover. Right now is not forever and this will pass.
1. Be kind to yourself
2. Take the focus off of him and put it back on you.
3. Surround yourself with those who love you family and friends.
4. Understand that this is no ordinary break up. Everyone won't understand.
5. Read as much as you can on bpd, and relationships with sociopaths and psychopaths. These relationships do not work ever.
6. Take back control of your life by going no contact. Do not contact him. Block his calls and text. I use textra and call blocker. No contact will help you recover from this abuse.
7. You have been emotionally abused. Let the poison out. Cry...punch a pillow...let it out.
8.go for walks.
9. Take in love and kindness where you can find it.
10. Know you are not alone. Those who have been through it or who might be going through it are posting on this site...myself included. Know that we love you.. you deserve to be loved and treated good.
Still missing her:
ReplyDeleteThanks for your reply. I appreciate your insight. My issue going no contact is our baby that I'm carrying. I don't get to just walk away and forget this guy ever existed. I feel as though I need to educate myself as much as possible in order to make future interactions with him as peaceful as possible.
No you don't get to forget this guy ever existed. But you can take control of your interactions with him. As long as he controls the interactions you will remain in turmoil.
Deletealso, there is no contact for when kids are involved and how to handle that situation. If you look up the rules of no contact they will explain what to do.
In addition, do some research on psychopaths and breaking up. I've read how they can con the court and make everyone think you're the crazy one. Just in case you have to go to court for anything.
I know I'm just one person on this planet but believe me you will get through this. You've got to stop thinking about them, stop trying to get that next "hit" cos although it'll feel better for half a day it won't help you quit them. If anyone want to add me on Facebook then feel free, I'm a normal person who has gone through hell!! My name is Charlie Banks.
ReplyDeleteAny suggestions about what to do with the "mutual" friends. Sadly I feel like since she is charming and loving life and I am not...most are on her side...they don't understand why I am such a mess...why would I be...she is sooooo great!!!! It guts me...I lost her and I lost them...I was so full of life and love and people before this...now I have never been more alone. I lost it all because she remained the life of the party and I am lost...I lost myself. Also...lots of Charlie banks!
DeleteCharlie Banks, Peterborough UK.
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DeleteMy ex has been hoovering me. First she contacted me about Mr. Wonderful trying to get sympathy and me to rescue her. When that didn't work she took me to dinner trying to get more sympathy. Then she started calling me her BFF and thanking me for always being there. Acting like none of the crap she did ever happened. She's still with me. Wonderful but I saw her on a dating site tonight. There are 3 phases to their relationships...ideslization (put up on pedestal and can do no wrong) devaluation then discard.
DeleteMine saw me over the holidays from afar then messaged me saying she missed me and xoxox. I caved. I saw her, told her I missed her too and love her. A week later she cut me off again saying "sorry shouldn't have messaged you, blah blah blah" and my heart is broken yet again. Clearly it had nothing to do with me. Just her wanting her needs met and to feel wanted. Once they were it was "it was selfish of me but super nice but can't do this". I'm broken. Don't fall for it.
DeleteAny ideas about the mutual friends thing?
ReplyDeleteStill missing her, don't go back!! Whatever you do, don't. X
ReplyDeleteShe came over crying about Mr. Wonderful and how bad he treated her and how she had f*cked up. I caved...like a frickin house of cards...that's why you have to go all out nc and block them all out. Keep you posted
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DeleteWell I knew better than to get back with her. I knew what would happen. I told her I loved her but didn't trust her. She cried and told me how she was going to earn my trust. She went back and put Mr. Wonderful out. She came over for about 5 days and we had the most amazing sex. She said she loved me, wanted to be with me and get married and have my child, and she was gonna earn my trust. She left this morning to go back to her house and then to work. I talked to her tonight and we made plans for this weekend. About 45 min later I got text form a friend that she was with Mr Wonderful and trying to hide it. I typed up a text letting her know it was over. At least I get to drop her first this time. I'm going nc for good. I can't deal with this anymore. It doesn't hurt nearly as bad this time. Actually it doesn't hurt at all. I knew what she was and what to expect and she didn't let me down. I guess it was just wishful thinking things could be different. A fairytale if you will. Anyway thanks for the support. The hoover felt validating. I'm glad its over though. Too many people helped put me back together. If I got back with her I would never be able to face them.
DeleteSTM...please don't beat yourself up! The same thing just happened to me. After basically telling me to go live my life two months ago, she contacted me before the holidays claiming she has missed me for weeks and her heart sank when I was spotted from afar and a bunch of xoxox's. I was floored. I caved and let her back in telling her I missed her and loved her too...I saw her and we held each other and cried. 5 days later she said it's be nice but we should go back to the way we were prior to her reaching out. I lost it. She told me I was overthinking and she doesn't wanna do feelings and is happy on her own. Once again, she has broken me. It's like she opened the door, I walked in and then she pushed me out. I can't help but think...is it me? Is there something about me that she doesn't like? Is it my fault?
DeleteIts not your fault. Its hers. I know all the people who helped put me back together were a little disappointed in me. I should have known. Now I have to give some of her clothes back to her tomorrow. Then block her on Facebook text and calls for good. Even her own brother told me to block her. She has told so many lies that he doesn't even believe her any more. When you fall down you get back up. I'm doing better this time though because I knew what to expect.
DeleteI was told that even tho it seems like they have the power...it is actually us who finally ends it. They will continue on their cycle until we get off the ride. You believe this?
DeleteYeah Lisa I'm beginning to. I don't ever want to get on that ride again. I'm not feeling as bad as I was in September but I am feeling sad and hurt. She was so sweet. Telling me how she was gonna earn my trust with tears in her eyes. Told me how I was always there for her. Put a song by bright eyes, the first day if my life, on her facebook page saying it was for me. It lasted only 5 days before she was sneaking off to see Mr Wonderful again.
DeleteShe almost destroyed me the first time. I should have stayed away then. She put me in therapy. I really loved her but I know now how serious this bpd is. Everything I've read has said to run for my life and don't look back. I'm done. Yes I do believe my borderline will come back again...and then leave again. There is no going back to that honeymoon phase in the beginning. That person is gone. That person never existed. She only mirrors you. I've seen this too. Especially when she tried to come back. She is no one. She can't control her impulses. She can't tell the truth. she told me a lie and even promised that it was true when I knew she was lying. I don't need a person like that in my life. I guess I had to get dropped on my head again to finally get off the rollercoaster. I will never get back on that ride again. Now I'm trying to figure out how I ever stuck around after seeing the red flags and knowing something wasn't quite right with this chick. I thank God I didn't marry her.
I've blocked her on Facebook. I've blocked her calls and her text. I've got to get back to taking care of me. I'll find someone special and normal who won't abuse me.
Lisa how are you doing? I know you've had a rough time too. Let me know.
I am sorta just feeling deflated and heart broken. It went from I miss you and you are my home to I don't want you or feelings so fast. I am beginning to wonder if she's normal and I am the one with the problem. That maybe people do change their feelings that fast
DeleteLisa
DeleteDon't get pulled into thinking that way. The mood swings and hot and cold is called splitting. Its a part of the disorder. Its not you. Read as much as you can about the disorder. I know how you feel though but trust this is a dangerous game. The only way to win is not to play.
Did yours get a professional diagnosis? Do any of them?
DeleteMine did not. I've read everything on it and it all makes sense. There is no doubt in my mind about it.
DeleteI'm sorry you guys got conned again! It's what they do, Lisa it's true what they say.. It is us that ends it, they're happy to keep picking us up and putting us down, they're happy knowing someone is there for backup. It is only when we decide that enough is really enough that it ends, it's about now they get nasty. My ex was diagnosed and she plays on it, we're all just a little part of their game. I've got bigger problems now, not letting the scars and insecurities of my "abuse" destroy my new relationship. I'm constantly second guessing my new gf, waiting for her to get bored and leave, after all I had it for almost 5 years.
DeleteHope you're all well.
I just found out she is dating someone i know. She told me she didn't want love or feelings and wanted to be on her own. She said she can't do relationships and is good on her own (2 weeks after she told me she missed me and loves me). I can't eat. I am gutted. I don't know what to do. Why can't my brain click that she is sick????? On top of that my therapist says she will try and draw me back in again one day. Any advice would really help....I want to move forward and I feel so stuck
DeleteHi Lisa, try and find me on fb as I'd love to chat and help. Charlie Banks from Peterborough UK. Either that or let me know how I can find the. X
DeleteHey Lisa. I'm sorry you are hurting. I went no contact again. In feeling better again. She has started contacting me again. I have not responded. I don't plan on it. She will only do it again. It reminds me of the story of the scorpion and the frog. I have to look out for me now. The longer I stay away I've noticed my brain returning to normal. Getting healed and getting over her is all i am focused on now.
DeleteHey Lisa and Charlie. How are you guys? I just returned to check on you both. Thank you both for your support when I needed it. Life is great now! I didn't go back! She tried to guilt me with her te c the messages but God pulled me through it. That was the worst experience of my life! I'm doing great!!! Approaching month 3 completion of no contact!!! I can see clearly now! I hope all is well with you guys. Thank you both!!!
DeleteJust want to say thanks. Been a tough day and your blog has been the only thing to help!
ReplyDeleteIts a shitty thing to experience, my friend. It takes time to let the chemicals in your brain adjust, so grind those tough days out the best you can.
DeleteJust know that when its finally over they turn really nasty and show their true colours - that's when you find out what you were really dating! I used to think I loved mine but I know now she is NOT the woman I fell in love with. She is the miserable, using, violent selfish woman everyone warned me about - and one I was stupid enough to think I could help have a happier life!
ReplyDeleteYes why didn't I listen to people who warned me about her? She was a master manipulator and seemed so genuine.
ReplyDeleteI was vampired at the end of 2016. She told me I wasn't motivated enough and didn't have the drive she was looking for. I just graduated college and was looking to start a life with this girl. She went out and fucked if you guys, and was in a relationship within a month. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, in October she gave me an ultimatum, Telling me that she would leave if I didn't have my shit together by February. I was so emotionally drained, I didn't even get to enjoy graduating from college. I was too caught up in her bullshit, I read a fuck chat that she had on Facebook messenger, it was almost verbatim the conversations we had at the beginning of our relationship. She even used a little catch phrases and pet names that we established, with the new guy. She was a cutter and tried to commit suicide, and had almost all of the criteria of borderline personality disorder her. I over looked all that, because I wanted to love her. I'm now picking up the pieces and trying to get back to my old self, I feel like a shell of what I used to be. She told me that she had never loved anyone as much as me and that I was the most important thing in her life, I realize now that all those words were worthless, it was just her way to manipulate me. I also learned that she was the town whore, but she played it off like she was innocent. She claimed that she was raped, but that was a lie too, hang in there fellas, everything that they did is only making a stronger, the game I spit now is on fire, I can pull all types of women, but this time I'll be well-equipped and know the red flags.
ReplyDeleteLisa I suffer the same fear about my ex. She was a self proclaimed beautiful soul who spread good "ju ju" wherever she goes. And she did have a quirky magnetism about her. My friends pegged her for a weirdo from the gate. My kids felt emotionally drained around her. I began to feel so inadequate and insecure that if something upset me to the point of me communicating about it, she would assume ME of being controlling and manipulative. So I bent over backwards allowing her to behave in any way she wished and zipped my mouth. I lied to family and friends due to the shame of constantly running back to her after she would verbally destroy me and my family. Here are some indicators: She hates her mother. Lost her father to me 8 years ago and claims her mother killed him. This is an interesting one; she's divorced, but has a tattoo of a wedding band on her ring finger. Interesting because it's an indicator of love bombing and the attempt to convince a victim of the extraordinary love these people want to share with them. Smoked pot every 30 minutes, couldn't function unless constantly high. Her face changed when she drank alcohol, she would develop a strange trans continental accent. She would get loud and intense after a few drinks. She was a 36 year old professional who talked like a 17 year old valley girl. "Rad." "Stoked". "Dude." Keep in mind this stuff seems fun at first. Went days letting dishes pile up in her kitchen while laying around after work. Made an occasional scene at my yacht club inferring that I wanted to have sex with friends wives. Hated other women who were attractive. Other than a couple of cows and a few married females who cheated on their spouses, she had no long time female friends. None over 10 years that I recall. Most of her friends were stoner guys. Two cats who were allowed to burrow under the covers all night. A DUI (not saying it doesn't happen to the best of us) that she blamed on her mother. States when she was arrested 9 cops sexually harassed her.
ReplyDeleteI meant to say she lost her father to MS
ReplyDeleteDude! I've been there! Leave her in the past and move forward with your life!!! It gets better! Trust me when I say time and distance is what you need now. I am sooo glad I didn't give in to those suicidal thoughts when I was in that pain! I'm no longer in pain! It takes about 2 to 3 months of strict no contact to get your head back right. I cried everyday, then every week, then after a couple of months of no contact, no more tears. I don't respond when she texts me. I don't pick up when she calls. I have her blocked. It gets better!!!
DeleteJust got brutally destroyed by my ex bpd gf, similar story to all here, never felt so loved and never seen so much creative, kind, loving insanely romantic things happen to me in my life like what she did to me in the infatuation stage, i was her soul mate and all that too, tried to get me to get her pregnant all the time and use no protection, told me she wanted to marry me and have kids and move in together, then bam out of the nowhere, we have a fight and she turns on me overnight and brings up all the horrible completely untrue stuff about who i am and how brutal i am and that she just can't be with me anymore and that we will both find someone better, disgustingly gut wrenchingly devastating, I was already attached to her 3 kids and loved them so much so i'm going through withdrawl from that too, was wondering if anyone here would be willing to talk to me on the phone it's taking everything inside of me not to reach out to her, been nc for almost 3 months now, still crying every day and was hoping to share more with someone offline? Buddy Goodlove?
ReplyDeletePlease it would be very helpful to me I believe.
Thanks very much everyone.