BPD: dumped me part 2 WHY?

HOW COULD SHE/HE DO THIS TO ME?

It's the question I asked myself, over and over. Why? There are lots of reasons, but none have anything to do with you. I'm telling you this because it is 100% true and I want you to avoid a lot more pain that you will cause yourself. The question of why will lead you to a lot of harsh self criticism and that will lead you to depression and self destruction.

You will wonder what is wrong with you and find a million possibilities. Even small ones will be amplified by your pain. You will obsessively scrutinize every bad habit, physical flaw, personality trait and unfortunate circumstance you may have. You will back track every conversation and memory searching for what you may have said or done to make them do this. You are searching for the answer so you can address or fix this horrible mess. Unfortunately, you will never be able to answer this question because you are looking in the wrong place.

Here is the truth?

You are blaming yourself for what they have done. Your pain is so unbearable because the your love for them has blinded you. To answer the question, why, lies solely with in them. That's were the flaw is. The reason you are struggling is because they have put you in a no win situation. It's a very tough spot to be in and very dangerous one too.

You didn't want this. You don't want to lose them. You fear pushing them further away by expressing your anger at their sudden act of total betrayal. You are in shock and your mind searches for a reasonable way stop the pain. You swallow your anger, your pride and self dignity in one gulp and opt to talk and try work this out.

The danger here is in your denial to face the pain of the truth and act logically. Denial is a tricky thing. It's a self defense mechanism that kicks in to protect you from extreme pain. The kind of pain anyone would feel from being betrayed by the person they love most. Unfortunately, denial can keep you there in a prolonged state of acceptable pain. It cannot heal you. Only facing, excepting and dealing with the painful truth can do that.

Do not deny your anger or suppress it. You have every reason to be angry and it will help you face this pain. The truth is you have been betrayed and abused. No matter how much you love your BPD girl/guy. This behavior is unacceptable and unworthy of you. To live in denial of that fact, and to ask for more, is to abuse yourself.

 If you understand this, it can help you understand your BPD girl/guy and answer the question. How could they do this to me? You will know that the one you love so much is a very sick person who's stuck in denial and managing an extreme amount of pain. The kind of pain that anyone would feel from being betrayed by a parent or an extremely traumatic childhood experience. Abandonment, abuse, neglect, molestation or all of the above. This stunts the development of healthy emotions like empathy and fosters survival habits like denial and lying to get things you want.

Imagine for a moment the anger they have been suppressing or perhaps were disciplined into suppressing since childhood. They cannot face that pain and could not develop the tools to do so. That rage boils out now as abuse, self abuse, anxiety, paranoia and other symptoms, depending on the BPD person's experience. Emotionally they are still children with no self control.

That's why, they can't be trusted, when you are not in the room. That's why they cheated on you, and lied, to your face. That's why, they suddenly went cold, and have no empathy, for your pain. That's the reason why. That's the reason why. That's the reason why.

It's normal to sympathize. I know you want to help. However all your efforts to do so, will help about as much, as the friend who just consoled you, by saying. "Get over it". I imagine. Your BPD girl/guy will face it, when they do, or they won't. Just like you will.

I hope this helps you realize that, it had nothing to do you, or anything you did. Also the danger you are in, if you deny your anger, and let your sympathy drag you down, with her/him. I promise you, I had to go to a very dark painful place, to figure this out. I'll tell you about it someday.

Until then, think of this. Your break up is very similar to a kid taking his ball, and going home, because he couldn't have his way, or was afraid he would lose. He's now punishing you, by ruining the game. If you let him have his way he's controlling you, and the game is only fun, for him. Only when he's alone and see's you are having more fun playing freeze tag, will he feel bad. For himself. That's usually when he comes running out with his ball pretending nothing happened.