So here I am starting a blog because I have nothing better to do. Why? That's easy. I had sex with a girl... and then fell in love... and then she flew a plane into my building. This was no ordinary heart break. This was a full on assault of my mind, heart and soul. This was borderline personality disorder.
Before I begin I'd like to set the boundries for this blog. There are none. My emotions may take me any where. From the sweet, sensitive and sappy to vicious, violent and vengeful. If you have BPD then this is not for you. I do have great sympathy, understanding and compassion for you. However this is the Non's experience and you had your chance to get that from us...and you blew it.
This is my place and if you don't like it... Get out.
Buddy, man do I feel your pain. 'She flew a plane into my building.' Brother, that's as accurate a feeling as I've heard or seen anyone recovering from a BPD ex describe. I'm sorry I'm posting so late (I see you started this in 2010) but I'm in my 3rd month of recovery here and it's day to day. Lots of unanswered questions, what if's, why didn't I's, I should've done this, I shouldn't have said this....it's exhausting. I hope since you started your blog you're in a better state of mind and in a healthy relationship, too.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, it is going to pass. The rich, famous, and powerful, can't change it, either, when it happens to them. Try these unanswered questions.
DeleteWhat if, I would have been a scumbag, and banged, the competitive women that wanted to fuck me, just to spite her. Not to mention all the others, I passed on, for this bullshit.
Why didn't I call her out, when my instinct told me she was lying?
What if, I did this to her, a week before she did it to me?
What if, I stop putting value in the opinion, of a selfish child, who just committed an act of emotional sabotage and terrorism?
What if, I forgive myself for being fooled?
What if, I forgive that crazy bitch, for being forever stuck, and lost, in an exhausting, paranoid, depressive state, very similar to the one I am recovering from now.
What if, I treat myself to a pat on the back, for being a good man?
I feel EXACTLY like you do. Am a girl. No matter. EXACTLY. It has been 4 years since he dumped me and eventhough I have moved on in many ways, the feeling about him is still the same. This will never go away.
ReplyDeleteWord.^ I think that's why it's so hard to let go. Bc it's almost easier to try and fix it with him, knowing the heart break from trying to move on is still going to take years and years and I'll never be the same either way. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteHi... I don't know what to say anymore.. She's a girl, I'm a girl.. she's 34.. I'm 22.. I feel very bad.. I feel lost, I feel low... I feel like I want tobcry for days. All i have to say is that I fucking miss her. Good or bad. I could relate mostly with everything. She used to fuck me off for nothing. Whatever that happened in the last week surprised me. Didn't fuck me off or offend me.... but her attitude. Shouting at the pgone for nothing, telling me things that were opposite from what she said weeks or days ago.. Maybe sounds funny for whos going to read, but we were together nearly 4 months... if I had to take it from the beginning I will. Maybe I'm as crazy as she is... the thing is that the love that I got from her I never got before from anyone. She has BPS...depression and who knows... I found about this last month . I could never understand her attitude. But I always been loving, caring and understanding...even she said that our relationship is different than she had before as I'm 100% that her oast relationships lasts 4-5 years as her ex girlfriends liked to drink with her or doing stupid things. She knew that I hate alcohol from the first day we met...she knew I hate everything about alcohol and people who get drunk... Is very hard for me to get over but I'm tired to be the only one who's texting after a 'fight' that I didn't caused.... She took me like a baby.. I only had one girlfriend before her but not a relationship. I love her more than anything and makes me feel bad about myself leaveing her like that... We got engaged after a month or two.... I tattooed her name as well. I don't know what to do to be honest... The last week was strange... no fuck offs, nothing. Normal talking but in very irrational way.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing...Alcohol... she is PERFECT... amazing.. but sober.. I realised that when sje is drinking her BPD activates and makes her worse.. I troed to make her chose me or alcohol...and I huess you know that she didn't talked with me anymore and I had to be the one who always say sorry. My ego doesn't exist..I wouldn't mind. I felt in the beginning that she tried a few times to stop giving out on me... but as I see..she is getting wrose... she's living 10 minutes awa from me driving... I only see her once a week...and when is that is in a pub where she gets drunk... I'm very worried.. I wish she left me help her.. I'd never do wrong to her.... even she said that if it wasn't me she didn't get a job now and her life being shit.. but that when she was in good mood... I don't know what to believe anymore... I feel like I want to run to her so bad... but I don't know what to do..I really don't know... she is irrational and crazy but...not that bad... the only thing that annoyed me is meeting with me. She prefers to stay home or in less populated area when we go out...I'm the same with loads of crowed but every time she listened to me to go out somewhere she felt better and ahe told me this every time..but in the last time... once a week... Some advice olease before I'll go crazy 😔
I fell that bad for her because she is mature. She's not into clubs or crazy stuff as the girl on my age are.... we were so the same.. She break up woth me many times.. But i felt like last night was really bad...
ReplyDeleteAlso to mention that she always said to me when her BPD is on to fuck her off and not to put up with her...and I did.. and I feel guilty. She says that everything she is saying when she feels 'bad' is not right..... I love her 😔
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ReplyDelete