Sunday, December 12, 2010

BPD Just dumped me. What do I do?

You have just been dumped and your BPD ex is already with some other guy. What should you do? The answer is nothing. Don't react to it. Sure that's a lot easier said then done. Especially since you feel like dying and the pain is unbearable. All you want in the world is to talk to them and express how much you love them. To prove to them your dedication and loyalty. You think if you could just make them see your sincerity and devotion they will realize you really care about this relationship and want this love to last forever... That's not going to work. They already believe that. They know it and it's why they are leaving with your heart as a trophy.

You want them back more then anything you have ever wanted in your life. Trust me, I know. I will save you the drama of how great it was, perhaps for another time. I want to focus on you right now and explain your relationship as it is. My dear friend your significant other has just declared war on you. Wake up right now!!! You are at war!!!

There is only one emotion you need to have right now and that is anger. Revel in it. Harness it. Hold yourself together with it. I mean it, because if you don't... If you allow one drop of sympathy for this person, you will spiral into an abyss of depression. A place they call home. You are in no state to compromise your self value by giving this sick person the satisfaction she/he is looking for. If you do you will only empower her/him. The only thing that will bring them back anyway, is your ability to care less then they do. Being that you really do care. You are going to have to summon your will to overcome this evil sneak attack on your soul. Anger is your best friend right now and motivational speaker. Never doubt that both are totally justified. (with in mature limits)

There is a ton of information that you need to know in detail. However, right now you are way behind in understanding what actually just happened. Here are a few things you need to know until you catch up with the reality of this nightmare.

Your girlfriend is possessed by Satan... Only kidding, but sometimes I really wonder.

Things to know right now:

1. The silent treatment is verbal abuse and it's intentional. Don't wait for that phone to ring. Two can play at that game and you better. Their lack of communication is an intentional avoidance of taking responsibility or admitting fault or injury. Any hint of an apology I got sounded forced or like a therapist texted it. It was not sincere.

2. Any attention, begging or pleading will empower them. This person does not love. They have mirrored you to get love and attention. That's why it felt so right. They need it in quantities no mortal can give.

3. They have done this before to many a guy and are expecting you to keep giving. They may call because now your suffering is just as satisfying as the love you gave them. Their concern is fake. You're on the other side now. Fear of abandonment vs fear of intimacy. Don't give them any satisfaction now. You got too close and they cannot let you closer but they'll enjoy the attention anyway. It wont help you. Pretending you don't really care is your only play. It may trigger their abandonment issue bringing them back. I know that's what you want, but don't fool yourself. They just proved they are not worthy of you. It may help to get some closure. In my experience they all come back sooner or later, but only because they need you. They remember how good you were to them. They may have just been dumped by another BPD or Narcissist. Maybe they were busted in their act and let go by someone with healthier boundaries. Maybe their current boyfriend got feed up with their drama. Don't be surprised. It will come when you least expect it. I had one three years later. When you are healed you wont take them back. That's closure.

Other things you need to know:

1. This has nothing to do with you. They are sick and you cannot help them.
2. This is the greatest day of your life. You just don't know it yet.
3. You are much stronger then they are in every way.
4. Even if you've humiliated yourself. They still can't win.
5. In my experience with 3 bpds. None have kept a relationship. They left a trail of train wrecks.
6. The new guy is going to suffer this too. Guaranteed.
7. This has nothing to do with your money, physical appearance or personality.
8. Don't try to understand mental illness.
9. You are going to look back and thank God this happened some day. Guaranteed.
10. You didn't do anything wrong.
11. You used to love being single before. You will again.
12. Your real soul mate is still searching for you and they are awesome.
13. I love you man.....
14. You will heal. They will not.
15. If you feel the need to help. Donate your time and money to abused children.
16. Adults are responsible for there actions. Child molesters were victims too once.
17. You are going to win this war. You already did.
18. Deep down they know they're not good enough for you.
19. Be proud of yourself. Honesty, truthfulness and loyalty are to be admired.
20. No contact is the key to healing now.
21. You just unloaded a huge problem on some sucker... FACT.
22. YOUR MISSION NOW IS TO GET BACK TO YOU. Anyway you look at it. Moving on helps you achieve your goal. Remember that confident guy she couldn't resist. The guy that laughed her right out of her pants. That's who you still are. You just trusted a loser and that happens to everyone. That's her shame not yours. Her loss too. Oh it's so their loss it's not even funny.

28 comments:

  1. I've just broke up with BPD girlfriend after 6 months of heaven and hell and this note (as your whole blog) is helping me a lot. Just like the other pages like bpdfamily forum and similar. I'm slowly getting back to myself, rid off serious depresssive issues with help of my friends and psychologist. I'll carry on and I'm glad that you've recovered.

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  2. Just got suddenly dropped by a bpd who I was living with and deeply in live with. It was perfect yet miserable She had a way of making me feel like the best thing in the world and then like an insignificant ahole. She baselessly accused me of lying about petty things and ended it like I was nothing...after she wanted to get married 3 weeks in. She's showing no sign of being upset about it and it's bc I've been handling it all wrong as you outlined. In fact, you accurately described what I've BEEN doing to a T. She ignores my questions, especially about her "proof", and the silence is deafening. I told her I let go and she started talking to me again...about when I'm getting my stuff out. Going back to my old ways and walking away like I don't care. Thanks!

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  3. I was in an on-off heaven/hell relationship for nearly 4 yrs. A very manipulative man who fools everyone, seems so genuine. In this time he took so much, lived with me on and off without paying a thing, I soon noticed he was lovely if I gave him sex/love/built up his self esteem from childhood issues that haunt him. He was very loving because it was him needing the love. In our relationship he would get very verbally abusive and unreasonable especially with drink/drugs. One night when I was very drunk he sexually took advantage in every possible way. I knew what he was doing but I couldn't move, I just kept thinking, hurry up I want to go to sleep. It was the next day I realise how wrong it was an felt violated. He also tried to kill himself on my front door step one night. Even now the metallic smell of blood makes me heave when I think of clearing it up. But I was always reminded how I didn't care enough as I only stayed at the hospital till 6.30am. Think I was shocked an needed to get out of there. But stupidly we got back together in march. He said he'd sorted himself his life was going good and apologised for the past, he was just in a dark place then. He kept up this act for longer than ever before and had wanted a baby for years. I'd always say no because of his instability/lack of responsibility. I finally agreed after we went on holiday ( which I paid for, but because of the new improved responsible boyfriend I now had, I did believe he would pay me back. Of course, he didn't) so I had the coil removed and almost as soon as I'd done that, he backed off emotionally an seemed to lose interest.4 weeks later he left. Just like that. No me having to call the police because he was drunk and nasty this time. In fact he was quite rational. I called him twice the next day wanting an explanation but other than that I've had no contact. It turns out he had another girl lined up an they got together. I found out 2 weeks after he left, he stole the sponsorship money I'd raised for charity and I think he stole my ring too. And just to top it off he keeps turning up with the new victim where he knows I'll be, an is all over her. It's sad but I just ignore it. Everything. But does make me wonder how I'll ever trust a man again. Oh I'm sooo going to spinster heaven!

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    1. Sorry that happened to you. Don't worry, you will trust again. As soon as you meet someone you can't resist. You may even get fooled again, but I promise, you will never ever pay for a losers vacation again. He will destroy himself, I guarantee it.

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  4. Damn! I've been to every bpd website imaginable but yours almost made me break down! I love this post. Finally, someone who actually seems to care about ME! I've been catering to HER, trying to make HER happy, forsaking my own happiness, well-being, health, what-have-you for two years now and I'm nearly threadbare. I needed to hear from someone else that SHE was sick, that SHE cannot love, that I am stronger than her in every way, that I didn't do anything wrong. I've been hearing the opposite for far too long! Thank you. I love you too, man!

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    1. Thanks, I highly reccomend Sam Vaknin youtube videos on narcissism.

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  5. I have to thank you for this thread. I too have read countless BPD sites and forums lately in an effort to sort out what happened. Why I have been so abnormally crossed up over a Woman I only knew for three weeks. This is totally right on and very helpful. I just couldn't believe how horribly she had treated me. A sudden turn. Ice cold. Unable to really apologize even. I had done nothing to bring on the treatment even if she just plain wanted out. It was very abusive and abrupt.

    Dumped me for another mark, of course, and I think several other guys involved too. All of it as rude and hurtful as possible and on a level that was completely inappropriate for a 3 week deal. Real genuine verbal abuse. Yelling. Tearing down my character endlessly and at every soft spot I ever showed. Out of control. I had been sucked in as grandly as possible prior to the explosion. I was sold.

    I'm 36 and have had my fair share of girls go bad but this was just not normal, and has really been tricky to sort out.

    It turns out that she suffered serious sexual abuse as a child, from a stepfather, along with ongoing neglect issues prior to that. All of the pieces fit together incredibly well pointing to serious psychological issues in the name of very real BPD. Everything fits together. Self esteem issues, abandonment issues (she actually told me that. Oddly.), promiscuity with lying. Basically the whole BPD chart reads like her bio and my experience.

    Without stuff like this it would be real hard to stay confident, out of contact, and above it. I have some esteem issues myself making it a little too easy to believe the things she said, who she wants to make me out as, or attempts to crawl back and talk to the girl.

    I'll admit that it would bug me if it works out with this next guy, but I surely passed a lot of hard times his way. The real drag of it is that this guy lives across the street from my shop.
    I saw him yesterday, and ran into him at the coffee shop just an hour ago. Makes "out of sight out of mind" a hard go.

    Thanks for the support.

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    1. bro dont worry!!! you are not the only one on the boat.... i been kick out of the house that i use to call my home more than 10 times, call names like looser, piece of shit, wet bag(im from central america legal american citizen)skunk bag. And all my intentions of making up fail its hard to heard from the person that you love soo much things like: "stick your apologies up your ass", "fuck off little teenager"..... and more... believe me, it can be worst, JUST LET HER BE.

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    2. Bro, stop apologizing, stop caring, stop eating shit. You have it easy, she is calling you names, so unload, and tell her, she is a selfish, crazy bitch, and ignore her. You have nothing to lose. Stop being a total pussy. JUST LET HER BE?????? Grow up, Eugene, or fuck off, you little teenager.

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    3. You rigth man.. at the end i was not my loss.its time to make a move. im a grown up ass guy to be taken shit like this.

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  6. Thanks Mr buddy! I'm in a better place now and nearly got involved with another nutnut but trusted my gut and ran after 2 wks. Maybe he was genuine but i guess I've now learnt to be happy alone after splitting with bpd 4 an half months ago. Things appear to be going very well in his new relationship which makes me wonder if i was the problem but have been having therapy,and my therapist thinks he has narcissistic traits. This blog has helped me and so many others. Thank you so much. And no, I will never pay for a loser again!

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  7. I cannot tell you how much I needed to read this post. It was like a God send to find it.

    After 7 years she dumped me out of the blue and was with a new guy the next week. I am completely devastated and she is in bed with the new guy. Of course he was waiting in the wings as it is with all BPD women.

    She went ice cold, refuses to respond to my attempts at closure, and now says she wants me to discontinue my communicating with her. This comes 2 weeks after she tells my family I am her ROCK and she doesn't know what she would do without me in her life. One week I am spending the weekend and she is telling me how much she lives me and the next i am an enemy combatant.

    Thank you for the right to be angry. I felt myself slipping into a deep depression unable to eat, sleep and even struggling to work. I felt ashamed and embarrassed to tell family and friends what has happened. I needed this.

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    1. How dare that useless little bitch, give you the "ice cold" after seven years. It's the hallmark of a selfish, spoiled, little girl. It's very common.

      Lots of women go cock hopping, to regulate their self esteem. They can't be alone, or do things for themselves, so they target an emotional dildo, they can use. It's not about sex, it's about the relationship statis on her facebook. It's about her own shame, and embarrassment, about herself. She's a loser, and she knows it, and trys to hide it. It has nothing to do with you, or the new mark.

      Don't try to get closure from her. Let her suffer in her own mind, not knowing why, you aren't calling. Never devalue yourself to her, by calling. She will call, to see if you are screwing someone else. Of course, pretending, she wants to see, if you were okay. She'll give you closure.

      She covets you forever, the way a child, or dog, must have a discarded toy, when someone else starts playing with it.

      Hit the gym, like a psycho, on a mission. Nothing will guarantee, you come out on top, faster. Its times like this, you can achieve miracles.

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  8. MY STORY:
    hi my name is eugene im 28 years old, all i can say is that after reading all this posts and coments makes my realize how much time efforts and love i been wasting in someone who never gonna change. Thanks i will like to share my story and see if i can have some support over this, my heart its compleatly broke and damage after doing everything possible to make our marrige work

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    1. Eugene, I feel your pain, bro. I'm dealing with it also. It's a really, really, difficult thing to deal with because it's not a typical person and a typical breakup. Since it's August, I hope you're in a better place now. I know it's hard, man. It really is. These types of sites are great to get support, though. Have things gotten any better?

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  9. I keep reading how contact from an ex with BPD is almost inevitable.......

    Well, when my ex finally broke it off with me (by texting me and telling me to listen to Luke Bryan's 'I Knew You That Way'....how mature and classy!), I layed into her. Told her she was a compulsive liar, a deceiver, a manipulator, a drama junkie, a control addict, an alcoholic and her cutting her own leg and sending me the picture was proof alone she's a head case. I also told her I was thoroughly convinced she's a candidate for borderline personality disorder and needs psychological counseling (she claims she has post traumatic stress disorder and from everything I've read, BPD is often misdiagnosed at PTSD). Naturally, she told a former friend I was a psycho, a borderline stalker, sick and verbally and mentally abusive. I actually believed her too. Then I found some BPD sites and read about PROJECTION. It all makes sense now. 2 things I learned: BPD'ers are NEVER wrong. Admitting fault is a death blow to their ego and BPD'ers will always project their characteristics on you. They also push you so hard and so far that your anger gets the best of you and you find yourself screaming at them and defending yourself which only gives them either an escape excuse or something they can use against you when they want to control an argument.

    Well, after everything I've said to this woman and everything she's said to me....does anyone REALLY think she'll try and contact me ever again? Not in this lifetime!!

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  10. Ah she'll be back...they always do... the picture she took of her leg made me laugh.. my ex took a pic of his (yes he!...not always female!) face gushing with blood laying on the floor outside my house after smashing a pint glass into his forehead?!! Attention seeking! ...and a year later I bump into him an he collars my mate tellin her he'd love to speak to me (even tho the girl he cheated on me with is apparently about to give birth!?) Lol needless to say I left the pub!

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  11. Loved this post! Couple weeks ago I got dumped by my high functioning bpd/narcist girlfriend after one and a half years with her. She denies having this disease and blames me for everything. Now she has a new fling she's placed her claws on and has moved him in to her apartment a few days after dumping me. ANGER! You are correct! That's what fuels me right now to get better. Thank you!

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  12. Good gawd I hate this freaking disorder! I got sucked in by a BPD male and now I have the pleasure of toggling between the therapist and medication. he gets the pleasure of moving on to another country and forgetting our life together. they really need their own damn Island so they can all screw each other over, and leave us healthy loving goodwilled people alone

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  13. Thanks for the post. It is great. I have been dumped at least ten times over the past few months by my BPD girlfriend. She is aslo an alcoholic and would take off for days at a time. She would keep things at our apartment and at her friends, so she could go back and forth. She was abusive and blamed me for everything. I would buy all her beer and cigs, then when she wanted to take off she did. Now I think she has all her things out of the apartment, but I can't go there to see. I am staying at my parents. If I see all her things gone I feel I have lost her. Except that she still texts me in the middle of the night, accusing me of being with someone else, then saying she is happy for me. Bull. She justs texts when she needs something or when I ignore her for awhile and she feels she is losing control. Ithink that, even if she has moved out and I move to my parents, I will still hear from her when she needs something or feels she lost control of me. Any thoughts? Good luck guys. Yes anger!

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  14. I have been run over by two of these in the past four years as well as a dental surgeon that was truly scary. The best call I ever made in my life was to an aviation doctor that was trained in human behaviour and was also a specialist in human addiction. He turned the lights on in my head one at a time and made me see what was going on . I had a married an aggressive, high functioning BPD and his stern advise was to get as far away as possible , she wont stop till she ruins your life !

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  15. You really have to completely educate yourself about this disorder , the two kinds , aggressive and passive, as the passive one managed to fool me as well including her alcoholism . Watch out guy's for the hot ones with a wine glass in their hand all the time .Especially the red wine . When they drink and then slip into their psychosis you have no idea what is going to happen . It's like standing next to a rocket ship that's going to the Moon and there isn't a dam thing you can do to stop it. And they always attempt to draw others into their drama , like security guards in the hotel lobby , police , or whomever else is observing the dynamics going on . So two completely different types with the same disorder, I had a younger brother commit suicide over one of these babes when he was 33 so now that I have been put through it several times I feel the best thing I can do is spread this knowledge and try to warn others that may not have any idea that these kind of women even exist .

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    1. No doubt about the alcohol. I've seen that transformation, from normal to psycho take place after one shot of Jack Daniels. Sorry about your brother. Education is must, and the men's movement is on the rise. Check out A Voice for Men of Youtube, there are plenty of healthy woman, sick of this crap too. Good luck.

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  16. Thanks Man , if only I had known then what I do now. Miss him everyday.

    I will check out that you tube as well.

    Take care Bro, I will be back here from time to time to see if I can help.

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  17. Early identification is the key to avoiding encounters with Borderline females. Immediate red flags should not be overlooked simply because they are alluring, they are also seductive and masters at hiding their true identity until they get inside an intimate situation with you, i.e. living with you or worse Married to you ! Not until then does the behaviour come out. I was relieved to hear that I could have dated her for two years and not known, only three months into the marriage I saw the real Monster for the first time.

    So here are a few tips from Dr. Superstar :

    Find out about her Mom , find out about her Dad ..

    If she was taken from her Daddy at a young age and brought up by a psycho Mother , RUN !!

    Also , watch out for implants , hair extensions , and high maintenance,

    They are expert liars and know what to say to get you vulnerable.

    They target you just like a Terminator , void of feelings , remorse or responsibility for their actions.

    Some will not stop until they destroy you .



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  18. Buddy , wanted to add that your posts here have been very helpful, good to know that I am not the only one that has been victimized by these predators.

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  19. This was a great post. My ex just left me because she fell in love with someone else. The crazy part is that you let them in your life and they just destroy your sanity. The day before we were planning her trip to the east coast to visit me. I also find it sad that they lie, manipulate, never take blame and cheat all the time. But we haven't spoken in about a week and I used to date her for a year in 2006-2007.
    She moved back to Ohio and we saw each other a couple times before she got in a relationship. Of course, that didn't last long none of them do. However it was about 3 and a half years before we saw each other again. So we dated from July 2013- March 2014. I didn't see it coming silly me right lol.

    So she says I still want you in my life and that I hope we can be friends. I said well look I don't think I'll ever see you again. And.. of course she says yes you will. So hmmmm... your in love with someone else and your already talking about you will see me again. Smh..
    The best thing is 2 read articles online to gain a better understanding on their sickness.
    Yes, I won't contact her because, like I told her you will contact me before I will you. And yes she will come back but I have 2 be smarter and stronger. Much love to everyone who has been in love or deeply cared about someone with BPD. It shows a lot about your character.

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    1. You're going to be alright, Rob. She didn't fall in love with someone else, she jumped at the chance to suck the life out of someone else, like a tick. She'll be calling you, and you'll realize you are just dealing with a child, who doesn't no any better. You'll forgive her for that. Then you will thank God, and your parents for making you a man.

      After this, and some studying on narcissistic behavior, and tactics, you'll see it coming next time and laugh as the next little girl tries relentlessly to manipulate you. Once you know, you won't fall in love so easy, and you'll stand like a rock that cannot be fucked with, and they will tell you how much they love you, and admire you, and screw your brains out just to try, but it will never work.

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