Sunday, December 12, 2010

BPD Just dumped me. What do I do?

You have just been dumped and your BPD ex is already with some other guy. What should you do? The answer is nothing. Don't react to it. Sure that's a lot easier said then done. Especially since you feel like dying and the pain is unbearable. All you want in the world is to talk to them and express how much you love them. To prove to them your dedication and loyalty. You think if you could just make them see your sincerity and devotion they will realize you really care about this relationship and want this love to last forever... That's not going to work. They already believe that. They know it and it's why they are leaving with your heart as a trophy.

You want them back more then anything you have ever wanted in your life. Trust me, I know. I will save you the drama of how great it was, perhaps for another time. I want to focus on you right now and explain your relationship as it is. My dear friend your significant other has just declared war on you. Wake up right now!!! You are at war!!!

There is only one emotion you need to have right now and that is anger. Revel in it. Harness it. Hold yourself together with it. I mean it, because if you don't... If you allow one drop of sympathy for this person, you will spiral into an abyss of depression. A place they call home. You are in no state to compromise your self value by giving this sick person the satisfaction she/he is looking for. If you do you will only empower her/him. The only thing that will bring them back anyway, is your ability to care less then they do. Being that you really do care. You are going to have to summon your will to overcome this evil sneak attack on your soul. Anger is your best friend right now and motivational speaker. Never doubt that both are totally justified. (with in mature limits)

There is a ton of information that you need to know in detail. However, right now you are way behind in understanding what actually just happened. Here are a few things you need to know until you catch up with the reality of this nightmare.

Your girlfriend is possessed by Satan... Only kidding, but sometimes I really wonder.

Things to know right now:

1. The silent treatment is verbal abuse and it's intentional. Don't wait for that phone to ring. Two can play at that game and you better. Their lack of communication is an intentional avoidance of taking responsibility or admitting fault or injury. Any hint of an apology I got sounded forced or like a therapist texted it. It was not sincere.

2. Any attention, begging or pleading will empower them. This person does not love. They have mirrored you to get love and attention. That's why it felt so right. They need it in quantities no mortal can give.

3. They have done this before to many a guy and are expecting you to keep giving. They may call because now your suffering is just as satisfying as the love you gave them. Their concern is fake. You're on the other side now. Fear of abandonment vs fear of intimacy. Don't give them any satisfaction now. You got too close and they cannot let you closer but they'll enjoy the attention anyway. It wont help you. Pretending you don't really care is your only play. It may trigger their abandonment issue bringing them back. I know that's what you want, but don't fool yourself. They just proved they are not worthy of you. It may help to get some closure. In my experience they all come back sooner or later, but only because they need you. They remember how good you were to them. They may have just been dumped by another BPD or Narcissist. Maybe they were busted in their act and let go by someone with healthier boundaries. Maybe their current boyfriend got feed up with their drama. Don't be surprised. It will come when you least expect it. I had one three years later. When you are healed you wont take them back. That's closure.

Other things you need to know:

1. This has nothing to do with you. They are sick and you cannot help them.
2. This is the greatest day of your life. You just don't know it yet.
3. You are much stronger then they are in every way.
4. Even if you've humiliated yourself. They still can't win.
5. In my experience with 3 bpds. None have kept a relationship. They left a trail of train wrecks.
6. The new guy is going to suffer this too. Guaranteed.
7. This has nothing to do with your money, physical appearance or personality.
8. Don't try to understand mental illness.
9. You are going to look back and thank God this happened some day. Guaranteed.
10. You didn't do anything wrong.
11. You used to love being single before. You will again.
12. Your real soul mate is still searching for you and they are awesome.
13. I love you man.....
14. You will heal. They will not.
15. If you feel the need to help. Donate your time and money to abused children.
16. Adults are responsible for there actions. Child molesters were victims too once.
17. You are going to win this war. You already did.
18. Deep down they know they're not good enough for you.
19. Be proud of yourself. Honesty, truthfulness and loyalty are to be admired.
20. No contact is the key to healing now.
21. You just unloaded a huge problem on some sucker... FACT.
22. YOUR MISSION NOW IS TO GET BACK TO YOU. Anyway you look at it. Moving on helps you achieve your goal. Remember that confident guy she couldn't resist. The guy that laughed her right out of her pants. That's who you still are. You just trusted a loser and that happens to everyone. That's her shame not yours. Her loss too. Oh it's so their loss it's not even funny.

75 comments:

  1. I've just broke up with BPD girlfriend after 6 months of heaven and hell and this note (as your whole blog) is helping me a lot. Just like the other pages like bpdfamily forum and similar. I'm slowly getting back to myself, rid off serious depresssive issues with help of my friends and psychologist. I'll carry on and I'm glad that you've recovered.

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  2. Just got suddenly dropped by a bpd who I was living with and deeply in live with. It was perfect yet miserable She had a way of making me feel like the best thing in the world and then like an insignificant ahole. She baselessly accused me of lying about petty things and ended it like I was nothing...after she wanted to get married 3 weeks in. She's showing no sign of being upset about it and it's bc I've been handling it all wrong as you outlined. In fact, you accurately described what I've BEEN doing to a T. She ignores my questions, especially about her "proof", and the silence is deafening. I told her I let go and she started talking to me again...about when I'm getting my stuff out. Going back to my old ways and walking away like I don't care. Thanks!

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  3. I was in an on-off heaven/hell relationship for nearly 4 yrs. A very manipulative man who fools everyone, seems so genuine. In this time he took so much, lived with me on and off without paying a thing, I soon noticed he was lovely if I gave him sex/love/built up his self esteem from childhood issues that haunt him. He was very loving because it was him needing the love. In our relationship he would get very verbally abusive and unreasonable especially with drink/drugs. One night when I was very drunk he sexually took advantage in every possible way. I knew what he was doing but I couldn't move, I just kept thinking, hurry up I want to go to sleep. It was the next day I realise how wrong it was an felt violated. He also tried to kill himself on my front door step one night. Even now the metallic smell of blood makes me heave when I think of clearing it up. But I was always reminded how I didn't care enough as I only stayed at the hospital till 6.30am. Think I was shocked an needed to get out of there. But stupidly we got back together in march. He said he'd sorted himself his life was going good and apologised for the past, he was just in a dark place then. He kept up this act for longer than ever before and had wanted a baby for years. I'd always say no because of his instability/lack of responsibility. I finally agreed after we went on holiday ( which I paid for, but because of the new improved responsible boyfriend I now had, I did believe he would pay me back. Of course, he didn't) so I had the coil removed and almost as soon as I'd done that, he backed off emotionally an seemed to lose interest.4 weeks later he left. Just like that. No me having to call the police because he was drunk and nasty this time. In fact he was quite rational. I called him twice the next day wanting an explanation but other than that I've had no contact. It turns out he had another girl lined up an they got together. I found out 2 weeks after he left, he stole the sponsorship money I'd raised for charity and I think he stole my ring too. And just to top it off he keeps turning up with the new victim where he knows I'll be, an is all over her. It's sad but I just ignore it. Everything. But does make me wonder how I'll ever trust a man again. Oh I'm sooo going to spinster heaven!

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    1. Sorry that happened to you. Don't worry, you will trust again. As soon as you meet someone you can't resist. You may even get fooled again, but I promise, you will never ever pay for a losers vacation again. He will destroy himself, I guarantee it.

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  4. Damn! I've been to every bpd website imaginable but yours almost made me break down! I love this post. Finally, someone who actually seems to care about ME! I've been catering to HER, trying to make HER happy, forsaking my own happiness, well-being, health, what-have-you for two years now and I'm nearly threadbare. I needed to hear from someone else that SHE was sick, that SHE cannot love, that I am stronger than her in every way, that I didn't do anything wrong. I've been hearing the opposite for far too long! Thank you. I love you too, man!

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    1. Thanks, I highly reccomend Sam Vaknin youtube videos on narcissism.

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  5. I have to thank you for this thread. I too have read countless BPD sites and forums lately in an effort to sort out what happened. Why I have been so abnormally crossed up over a Woman I only knew for three weeks. This is totally right on and very helpful. I just couldn't believe how horribly she had treated me. A sudden turn. Ice cold. Unable to really apologize even. I had done nothing to bring on the treatment even if she just plain wanted out. It was very abusive and abrupt.

    Dumped me for another mark, of course, and I think several other guys involved too. All of it as rude and hurtful as possible and on a level that was completely inappropriate for a 3 week deal. Real genuine verbal abuse. Yelling. Tearing down my character endlessly and at every soft spot I ever showed. Out of control. I had been sucked in as grandly as possible prior to the explosion. I was sold.

    I'm 36 and have had my fair share of girls go bad but this was just not normal, and has really been tricky to sort out.

    It turns out that she suffered serious sexual abuse as a child, from a stepfather, along with ongoing neglect issues prior to that. All of the pieces fit together incredibly well pointing to serious psychological issues in the name of very real BPD. Everything fits together. Self esteem issues, abandonment issues (she actually told me that. Oddly.), promiscuity with lying. Basically the whole BPD chart reads like her bio and my experience.

    Without stuff like this it would be real hard to stay confident, out of contact, and above it. I have some esteem issues myself making it a little too easy to believe the things she said, who she wants to make me out as, or attempts to crawl back and talk to the girl.

    I'll admit that it would bug me if it works out with this next guy, but I surely passed a lot of hard times his way. The real drag of it is that this guy lives across the street from my shop.
    I saw him yesterday, and ran into him at the coffee shop just an hour ago. Makes "out of sight out of mind" a hard go.

    Thanks for the support.

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    1. bro dont worry!!! you are not the only one on the boat.... i been kick out of the house that i use to call my home more than 10 times, call names like looser, piece of shit, wet bag(im from central america legal american citizen)skunk bag. And all my intentions of making up fail its hard to heard from the person that you love soo much things like: "stick your apologies up your ass", "fuck off little teenager"..... and more... believe me, it can be worst, JUST LET HER BE.

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    2. Bro, stop apologizing, stop caring, stop eating shit. You have it easy, she is calling you names, so unload, and tell her, she is a selfish, crazy bitch, and ignore her. You have nothing to lose. Stop being a total pussy. JUST LET HER BE?????? Grow up, Eugene, or fuck off, you little teenager.

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    3. You rigth man.. at the end i was not my loss.its time to make a move. im a grown up ass guy to be taken shit like this.

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  6. Thanks Mr buddy! I'm in a better place now and nearly got involved with another nutnut but trusted my gut and ran after 2 wks. Maybe he was genuine but i guess I've now learnt to be happy alone after splitting with bpd 4 an half months ago. Things appear to be going very well in his new relationship which makes me wonder if i was the problem but have been having therapy,and my therapist thinks he has narcissistic traits. This blog has helped me and so many others. Thank you so much. And no, I will never pay for a loser again!

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  7. I cannot tell you how much I needed to read this post. It was like a God send to find it.

    After 7 years she dumped me out of the blue and was with a new guy the next week. I am completely devastated and she is in bed with the new guy. Of course he was waiting in the wings as it is with all BPD women.

    She went ice cold, refuses to respond to my attempts at closure, and now says she wants me to discontinue my communicating with her. This comes 2 weeks after she tells my family I am her ROCK and she doesn't know what she would do without me in her life. One week I am spending the weekend and she is telling me how much she lives me and the next i am an enemy combatant.

    Thank you for the right to be angry. I felt myself slipping into a deep depression unable to eat, sleep and even struggling to work. I felt ashamed and embarrassed to tell family and friends what has happened. I needed this.

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    1. How dare that useless little bitch, give you the "ice cold" after seven years. It's the hallmark of a selfish, spoiled, little girl. It's very common.

      Lots of women go cock hopping, to regulate their self esteem. They can't be alone, or do things for themselves, so they target an emotional dildo, they can use. It's not about sex, it's about the relationship statis on her facebook. It's about her own shame, and embarrassment, about herself. She's a loser, and she knows it, and trys to hide it. It has nothing to do with you, or the new mark.

      Don't try to get closure from her. Let her suffer in her own mind, not knowing why, you aren't calling. Never devalue yourself to her, by calling. She will call, to see if you are screwing someone else. Of course, pretending, she wants to see, if you were okay. She'll give you closure.

      She covets you forever, the way a child, or dog, must have a discarded toy, when someone else starts playing with it.

      Hit the gym, like a psycho, on a mission. Nothing will guarantee, you come out on top, faster. Its times like this, you can achieve miracles.

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  8. MY STORY:
    hi my name is eugene im 28 years old, all i can say is that after reading all this posts and coments makes my realize how much time efforts and love i been wasting in someone who never gonna change. Thanks i will like to share my story and see if i can have some support over this, my heart its compleatly broke and damage after doing everything possible to make our marrige work

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    1. Eugene, I feel your pain, bro. I'm dealing with it also. It's a really, really, difficult thing to deal with because it's not a typical person and a typical breakup. Since it's August, I hope you're in a better place now. I know it's hard, man. It really is. These types of sites are great to get support, though. Have things gotten any better?

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  9. I keep reading how contact from an ex with BPD is almost inevitable.......

    Well, when my ex finally broke it off with me (by texting me and telling me to listen to Luke Bryan's 'I Knew You That Way'....how mature and classy!), I layed into her. Told her she was a compulsive liar, a deceiver, a manipulator, a drama junkie, a control addict, an alcoholic and her cutting her own leg and sending me the picture was proof alone she's a head case. I also told her I was thoroughly convinced she's a candidate for borderline personality disorder and needs psychological counseling (she claims she has post traumatic stress disorder and from everything I've read, BPD is often misdiagnosed at PTSD). Naturally, she told a former friend I was a psycho, a borderline stalker, sick and verbally and mentally abusive. I actually believed her too. Then I found some BPD sites and read about PROJECTION. It all makes sense now. 2 things I learned: BPD'ers are NEVER wrong. Admitting fault is a death blow to their ego and BPD'ers will always project their characteristics on you. They also push you so hard and so far that your anger gets the best of you and you find yourself screaming at them and defending yourself which only gives them either an escape excuse or something they can use against you when they want to control an argument.

    Well, after everything I've said to this woman and everything she's said to me....does anyone REALLY think she'll try and contact me ever again? Not in this lifetime!!

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  10. Ah she'll be back...they always do... the picture she took of her leg made me laugh.. my ex took a pic of his (yes he!...not always female!) face gushing with blood laying on the floor outside my house after smashing a pint glass into his forehead?!! Attention seeking! ...and a year later I bump into him an he collars my mate tellin her he'd love to speak to me (even tho the girl he cheated on me with is apparently about to give birth!?) Lol needless to say I left the pub!

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  11. Loved this post! Couple weeks ago I got dumped by my high functioning bpd/narcist girlfriend after one and a half years with her. She denies having this disease and blames me for everything. Now she has a new fling she's placed her claws on and has moved him in to her apartment a few days after dumping me. ANGER! You are correct! That's what fuels me right now to get better. Thank you!

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  12. Good gawd I hate this freaking disorder! I got sucked in by a BPD male and now I have the pleasure of toggling between the therapist and medication. he gets the pleasure of moving on to another country and forgetting our life together. they really need their own damn Island so they can all screw each other over, and leave us healthy loving goodwilled people alone

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  13. Thanks for the post. It is great. I have been dumped at least ten times over the past few months by my BPD girlfriend. She is aslo an alcoholic and would take off for days at a time. She would keep things at our apartment and at her friends, so she could go back and forth. She was abusive and blamed me for everything. I would buy all her beer and cigs, then when she wanted to take off she did. Now I think she has all her things out of the apartment, but I can't go there to see. I am staying at my parents. If I see all her things gone I feel I have lost her. Except that she still texts me in the middle of the night, accusing me of being with someone else, then saying she is happy for me. Bull. She justs texts when she needs something or when I ignore her for awhile and she feels she is losing control. Ithink that, even if she has moved out and I move to my parents, I will still hear from her when she needs something or feels she lost control of me. Any thoughts? Good luck guys. Yes anger!

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  14. I have been run over by two of these in the past four years as well as a dental surgeon that was truly scary. The best call I ever made in my life was to an aviation doctor that was trained in human behaviour and was also a specialist in human addiction. He turned the lights on in my head one at a time and made me see what was going on . I had a married an aggressive, high functioning BPD and his stern advise was to get as far away as possible , she wont stop till she ruins your life !

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  15. You really have to completely educate yourself about this disorder , the two kinds , aggressive and passive, as the passive one managed to fool me as well including her alcoholism . Watch out guy's for the hot ones with a wine glass in their hand all the time .Especially the red wine . When they drink and then slip into their psychosis you have no idea what is going to happen . It's like standing next to a rocket ship that's going to the Moon and there isn't a dam thing you can do to stop it. And they always attempt to draw others into their drama , like security guards in the hotel lobby , police , or whomever else is observing the dynamics going on . So two completely different types with the same disorder, I had a younger brother commit suicide over one of these babes when he was 33 so now that I have been put through it several times I feel the best thing I can do is spread this knowledge and try to warn others that may not have any idea that these kind of women even exist .

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    1. No doubt about the alcohol. I've seen that transformation, from normal to psycho take place after one shot of Jack Daniels. Sorry about your brother. Education is must, and the men's movement is on the rise. Check out A Voice for Men of Youtube, there are plenty of healthy woman, sick of this crap too. Good luck.

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  16. Thanks Man , if only I had known then what I do now. Miss him everyday.

    I will check out that you tube as well.

    Take care Bro, I will be back here from time to time to see if I can help.

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  17. Early identification is the key to avoiding encounters with Borderline females. Immediate red flags should not be overlooked simply because they are alluring, they are also seductive and masters at hiding their true identity until they get inside an intimate situation with you, i.e. living with you or worse Married to you ! Not until then does the behaviour come out. I was relieved to hear that I could have dated her for two years and not known, only three months into the marriage I saw the real Monster for the first time.

    So here are a few tips from Dr. Superstar :

    Find out about her Mom , find out about her Dad ..

    If she was taken from her Daddy at a young age and brought up by a psycho Mother , RUN !!

    Also , watch out for implants , hair extensions , and high maintenance,

    They are expert liars and know what to say to get you vulnerable.

    They target you just like a Terminator , void of feelings , remorse or responsibility for their actions.

    Some will not stop until they destroy you .



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  18. Buddy , wanted to add that your posts here have been very helpful, good to know that I am not the only one that has been victimized by these predators.

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  19. This was a great post. My ex just left me because she fell in love with someone else. The crazy part is that you let them in your life and they just destroy your sanity. The day before we were planning her trip to the east coast to visit me. I also find it sad that they lie, manipulate, never take blame and cheat all the time. But we haven't spoken in about a week and I used to date her for a year in 2006-2007.
    She moved back to Ohio and we saw each other a couple times before she got in a relationship. Of course, that didn't last long none of them do. However it was about 3 and a half years before we saw each other again. So we dated from July 2013- March 2014. I didn't see it coming silly me right lol.

    So she says I still want you in my life and that I hope we can be friends. I said well look I don't think I'll ever see you again. And.. of course she says yes you will. So hmmmm... your in love with someone else and your already talking about you will see me again. Smh..
    The best thing is 2 read articles online to gain a better understanding on their sickness.
    Yes, I won't contact her because, like I told her you will contact me before I will you. And yes she will come back but I have 2 be smarter and stronger. Much love to everyone who has been in love or deeply cared about someone with BPD. It shows a lot about your character.

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    1. You're going to be alright, Rob. She didn't fall in love with someone else, she jumped at the chance to suck the life out of someone else, like a tick. She'll be calling you, and you'll realize you are just dealing with a child, who doesn't no any better. You'll forgive her for that. Then you will thank God, and your parents for making you a man.

      After this, and some studying on narcissistic behavior, and tactics, you'll see it coming next time and laugh as the next little girl tries relentlessly to manipulate you. Once you know, you won't fall in love so easy, and you'll stand like a rock that cannot be fucked with, and they will tell you how much they love you, and admire you, and screw your brains out just to try, but it will never work.

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  20. Basically, I had a similar experience to what you describe.

    I found that I took an interest in a young lady with many similarities and interests. We seemed to hit it off - it was really sweet. But then she pursued with such strength that I felt like the subject of an obsession.

    There were a few obsessive traits and I found some red flags from her family members. She abruptly turned from pursuit to hating me based on some notions of incompatibility that seemed spurious. She sent mixed messages at the end and seemed resentful for things I could not possibly know about or be expected to handle. She then totally went black and white on me - very unsettling.

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    1. Sounds like a fragile nutter, with a dose of paranoia. I had an experience with one of those not too long ago. She was from Florida. You seem like you're handling it okay. If she calls you again, tell her to buy another cat, and piss off.

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  21. I’m recently broken up with my BPD on/off “girlfriend” of 10 months. She was in pretty heavy therapy and never told me she had BPD, but my therapist assured me 99% that she is after hearing of our roller coaster. We met on a vacation and I fell for her pretty hard and fast. She came to visit about a month later and we obviously connected but hadn’t had sex yet. I went to visit her and then we made plans to go travel together. I bought us some tickets to go to some pretty exotic places-and then it started to happen. Yes, no. Excited, canceling, telling me she’d really wanted to go but had been on a few other dates, etc…
    Anyway, after canceling one of the trips and not getting my money back(I’ll admit here my own foolishness and am learning a lot about my own issues in therapy as to why I was attracted to her and went further out of my way and tried harder than I ever have in my life or any relationship)we went to one of the most beautiful places in the world, fell in love, all that good stuff. The red flags were there from the beginning. She even warned me before we left that she could be very mean. I had no idea. She’s extremely intelligent and that was very attractive to me, but her verbal dexterity had me so confused during fights that I was lost as I never had been before-completely confounded. But the makeups were amazing, brought us closer together each time. It went so well that she said she wanted to come with me to meet my family as I was going right after our trip. We stopped for a wedding of my friend on the way and had our first big breakup fight. She was out of control, accusing me of having a thing for the bride who was like a sister to me-it drove me crazy. She actually put her hands around my throat back at the hotel when I told her I was not going to give her all of our pics from our trip(some were innocently naked of both of us as we were skinny dipping.) I calmly put my hands behind my back and asked her to stop. I told her I’m done and I’m just going to erase everything, as I was doing this I said “I can’t believe I thought of spending my life with you.” She completely changed in that moment. I was overwhelmed by her apologies and admissions of her love for me and that she wanted to marry me and have my kids, etc…
    We went to meet my family and we became closer and closer. When we got back home, we became extremely close, revealing some dark abuse from our pasts. I asked her to be in a committed relationship. She was unsure but then said yes absolutely. A week goes by, her therapist hears about the trip and thinks I’m amazing and asks me to come in. She asks what I think and I say let’s do it! Then she goes to Burning Man. The day she left is the last day I felt really connected to her. She told me she love me and called me 6 times that day like she wanted to be in touch as much as possible before no contact. When she returned she told me about an orgasmic experience that she had with a girlfriend of hers at an orgasm clinic.(I now realize it was probably a lot more than just that) I reacted nervously but in no way harshly or judgmental, although she took my nervousness and questions as a slight. This was the beginning of the end. Within a week she told me that all the love she had for me had evaporated and when I reminded her that she really hurt me by saying that a week later, she denied having said it.

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  22. PART 2:
    For the next 8 months the roller coaster began. I miss you want to see you, disappearing, starting fights, criticizing me, verbally abusing and belittling me. I was not only so hurt but shocked that I would even put up with this kind of abuse as I had never let anybody talk to me the way she did. She eventually came to visit twice in the next 2 months. Fights, make ups, amazing sex that got us closer and closer. She left on a high note but then picked another fight over the phone again. Eventually I asked what I had suspected for a long time-had she been sleeping with anyone else. Yes. I was done. She asked if we could try again, I foolishly said yes. A week goes by and she tells me that she can’t be in any relationship with anyone. Devastated me as it took so much for me to forgive her. I walked away. She calls me a week later asking me to please try again because she’s learned a lot in therapy and invites me to meet her family for the holidays. I see this as a major breakthrough so I agree. Another week goes by and the same thing-can’t be in a relationship with anyone, telling me she loves me(which I hadn’t heard since before Burning Man)as she’s ending it and to give her time because she’s thinking of us “long term.” I let her go. Again. But somehow I feel it’s not over. And it’s not. We meet up a few weeks later in a neutral city and begin again. Start making plans to do the trip we had planned the previous summer. She comes to visit for a month(not planned that long but ended up being a month)I take her for a surprise Bday trip to NYC and lavish her with gifts as I always did and outings, etc.(I pay for nearly everything as she hasn’t worked the entire time we were together-she was taking a sabbatical after a bad breakup)We fight a lot but eventually smooth out and we’re in love again-at least I am and I tell her so. We experience an entire new level of sexual intimacy that it now devastating to think about, touched on more past traumas that were very revealing as to why she was the she was, but then the end came. It started out ok, we talked about when she would leave we agreed in a week so that I could finish my work and have the weekend together. 30 minutes late she sends me an email from inside my house saying she want to leave sooner. I’m upset by this as we just agreed and this starts a fight. She starts saying “Just say you don’t ever want to see me again!” OVER AND OVER. I’m at a complete loss for words as I can’t understand what part of me wanting her to stay makes her think that?! Eventually I tell her that there’s an opportunity for both of us to compromise and she stomps her foot and says, “I won’t budge!” I’m so hurt by this that I tell her that I don’t think that I can be in a relationship with someone that says that when there’s a chance to compromise. She says fine. Cold as ice. Minutes after crying and screaming that she thought I was better than this. I have to leave the house to cool down, not really thinking this is over and that she would just want it to end-I didn’t I was just so upset and failing miserably at trying to reach her. I come back an hour later and she’s gone. Just like that. I frantically call and text her, she says shes fine and she’ll call me when she gets home. A week goes by. An email comes saying she thinks we should find people that give us what we need. We talk on the phone and it’s like talking to a stranger. I apologize for everything and she just says thanks. That’s it. Unbelievable. I’m in shock.
    Get ready, here’s the kicker.

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  23. Final:
    During each of our times together going all the way back to our first trip together when we started having sex, she would have horrible itchiness in her vagina. We would go to the doctor and here that it was “Honeymoonsystitis” common when having a lot of sex. We got tested after our first trip and she told me she was negative for everything but never sent me her results as I did send mine to her. This continued on each of our times together because we had so much sex. This last time was really bad so she went to the doc again and got all kinds of tests. Immediately after the breakup I realized she never told me her test results so I asked her minutes after the breakup. She said they were all negative. I asked to see all of them and thats when things went haywire. She became very evasive about one thing in particular, herpes. She said that she didn’t get tested this time because it was uncommon. I was floored. I asked her to get tested repeatedly and after a fight she agreed and I’d do the same. Guess what? She said was negative. She started sending me screen shots of emails from her doctor saying she was negative. I asked very delicately to see the actual lab results and she went crazy accusing me of controlling her and that she didn’t even care to see my results as it’s none of each others business anymore-right after apologizing and saying “I’m sorry for fighting I know this concerns both of our health so of course I care.” I got mine back and I came out positive. Devastating. I let her know this and she sends an email saying she’s incredibly saddened to hear this and give her time to think about how to approach our relationship-and please send her my results-unbelievable. I wait a few days, write her a long letter about how hurt, confused, broken hearted I am, assigning no blame at all as I’m aware and been informed by the docs that it’s futile to try to figure out where it came from as it could have been either of us. I send her my results and asked her to send her actual results, also my hard drive that had our entire vacations videos and pics on them-please erase and return, and I sent her the jewelry that I bought that she left here on purpose-the very first thing I bought her. A month goes by. Nothing. I’m blocked on every form of social media, email, etc… Today I get a package. It’s the package I sent her. It’s been opened but there’s nothing new in it. No test results, no hard drive, etc…
    I’ve been in deep deep therapy this past month trying to get my head around this. Had a couple of complete meltdowns and struggle everyday with this. My question? What. The. Fuck? What was the purpose of sending me back exactly what I sent? Why not send my hard drive back erased? Why only send back the jewelry that I just sent and not all the rest of the jewelry/gifts that i had given her over the year as well? What does this mean? My friends/therapist think it’s manipulation, to evoke some sort of response from me asking where’s the rest? Is this it? Am I demonized now, split black forever, never to hear from her again? What was the point in sending this at all. Why not just throw it away? Why wait a month to do it? React? Don’t react? Wait awhile? Here’s the craziest part. I still love her.
    So lost.
    Update: email from her today:
    Hi,
    I sent back your package, so you should be receiving it soon if you have not already.
    I got tested again, and came back negative once more. I just got the letter in the mail. Pic attached.
    I'm really sad that that happened and hope you are doing well. Thank you again for being honest with me.
    There is nothing else to talk about, so let's part ways.
    Thanks again for everything and good luck with everything ahead.
    Warmly...

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    1. Confused,

      It's not you. My story is so similar it's scary. About a year ago for me. I'm finally climbing out into the light. I'll write it all down here when I can. It's been extraordinarily painful, but also teaching. Buddy and the other solid men here are right...it does get better with time and education. I love sites like this. The validation is so needed and the girl will never give that because her pain will always blind her. For me post here feels like reliable rung on my growing makeshift escape ladder.

      Most likely she simply cannot see her side of things and told her latest therapist, and/or anyone else who would listen a very weepy, slanted, even fictitious yet artfully eloquent and very believable story where she was SO victimized by you and all of her exes. This line of vile pig vomit became self reinforcing "party line" as the world rallies to support this poor victim of abuse. She was counseled with the best of intentions by well meaning, supportive yet people who are terminally unaware of what she and they are up against. Everything I've read about BPD says how much therapists hate it because of the patient lying and splitting bad against the therapists. My BPDx seemed like that.

      Master propagandists, BPDs weave some truth or weakness they've sought out in you in advance into the story, alongside the "twin flame" or "soul mate" level of love they have both professed and demonstrated at times. This makes our being the root of the issue potentially believably as to make us confused at best, self flagellating at worst.

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    2. So the girl follows instructions meant for "abusive men." Except that we were not. Mine laughably sought an RO after I sent her a heart-wrenching yet very badly written slam letter like the one Buddy recommended. In it called her out out on everything. 3 days later they cops called and talked to me like a perp. She had accused me of stalking her when I hadn't seen her in 4 mos!!!! Once I started sharing my side that cop apologized for being a hardass and said judges are inclined to grant ROs by default when abuse is alleged. He said if we agreed to stay away from each other that would be ok. He asked if I had plans to contact her. I said no. Hell no. I meant it and I have not and it has been the best thing ever for me.

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    3. Oh, and my letter (actually a long series of increasingly ranting texts) was something she literally asked me for. Technically she had asked for a letter from the heart from me. She got one. What was left of my utterly broken, burned, and deceived trusting heart, that is. The heart I had opened so hugely in a unique way for her and her alone. I had hope that the info in the letter would help her, if eventually see the light of day. Seriously doubt that now.

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  24. Wow, what an evil bitch. She gave you herpes, and knew about it, guaranteed. You don't love her, you're just addicted to her crack. Accept it, because its the truth. Its called cognitive dissonance, denial, normalcy bias or just whipped, but not love. The truth is it sucks, its painful, its humiliating, and its depressing, but you're going to be okay. That psycho whore is pure poison, and you know it. She's twisted evil sent from the abyss to destroy you, but like everything else she does it failed, and she she only hurt herself. She's giving herpes to her dildo friends, and other guys right now, and before she met you. She told you those things just to hurt you, and break you. There is no love there, no future there and the only way you are going to get revenge is to give your love to someone else, and be happy. Get that love her shit out of your head. Don't say it, and lie to yourself. You want her because she got you high, and chemicals in your brain flowing. Its happens to battered women everyday. Its stockholm syndrome. I'm sorry my friend, but you are too good, and to important to willingly surrender your life to mental illness. You should post pictures of her all around town, warning others of her herp spreading lunacy. Find your rage and take action. Take a bridge burning action. A lawful action that tells your subconscious you are in control, and she is dog shit, scum of the earth. You should fill your mind with truth about the way her mind works, video's on Narcissistic abusers, anti radical feminist groups, Gold digger videos, and go to the gym obsessively. Your therapist won't recommend that therapy, but in a case as extreme as this, a little revenge will do you good. Expose the liar to the public. Don't answer her calls, deny you know anything about it when she tracks you down. Scream get away from me psycho, and run if she does. It will feel good. She should be in jail for knowingly spreading herpes. Fight back damn it. Don't you dare give that worthless parasite one moment of sympathy. Climb out out of the abyss, and tell her, Satan they can go fuck themselves. That's good love, and you deserve it.

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  25. Thanks for the intense sentiment. My docs have advised me to not try to think along the lines of who gave what to whom, as it's impossible to tell and will get me nowhere. We don't even live in the same city. I'm just struggling everyday with the rejection and abandonment. It's like I never existed to her. She's off having the time of her life, happy as a clam, and most definitely with someone and /or multiple people, while I'm devastated ruminating about what or how I screwed up, what I should have said or done, etc... I've had very long relationships that never came close to ending this traumatically and I'm still in touch and friendly with all of my exes. I've never had anyone in my life tell me they never wanted to speak with me again and blocked all communication with me. I don't even know how to process that because it's so foreign to me. I guess it's just time? I can't believe it hurts this bad when all in all it was the shortest relationship I've ever had. I don't know what it's going to take to really make that shift. I'm trying to do my best to be healthy and positive but a lot of the times it just feels like groundhog day over and over again. Can't make sense of it at all.

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    1. Your doctor is being a politically correct dunsky. He doesn't know, but you do. Don't think for one second she is happy, or can ever be happy. She can only distract her self from her misery, temporarily. When she's alone with her thoughts they, she is doomed to a life of self hatred. She remembers you exist, and she'll be back. What ever she is doing, she will destroy the same way. It has nothing, nothing, nothing to do with you, or anything you did. Your mind will find reasons to blame you for this, and drag you down in to misery. Notice it, and understand that how she got that way. Her sickness will rub off on you. Fortunately you are a healthy adult, and you will love yourself back to sanity. She can't do that, and you can't help her. Don't worry she'll be okay, and thinking about you regularly. Show her how strong you are by never calling. You are going to be okay.

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    2. Keep in mind, she is preying on other people who will be as hurt as you are. You have to look at it in the right way. Those thoughts of her having a good time, are not real. She will act the same way, and possibly get put in a hospital, the shit kicked out of her, or thrown in jail. You are not rejected, you are just one of many houses in the path of a tornado. Houses can be rebuilt, and a tornado dies out. Her guaranteed future is defeat. You can bet your life on it. Its only a matter of time.

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  26. Thanks man. What makes you think she'll be back? She's blocked me from all contact.

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    1. Because she is abusing you. That's why she blocked you. Its passive aggressive emotional abuse, intentionally done to cause injury. She is exerting control over you. Its like a little kid, taking the ball away. No matter how long it takes, no matter how hurtful it feels you cannot fall for that old trick. You the only adult in the situation has to take your rightful place, as the grown up and understand you are dealing with an over grown, spoiled little girl operating on an emotional intelligence of a pre-teen. She call to check on you, and make sure your still suffering. She'll come up with an excuse. Your pain gives her a sense of value now. Or maybe she'll be down and in need of attention, but you'll hear from her again. She is thinking about you a lot more than you think. If you knew this before all of this went down, it wouldn't have worked, but you're kind of fucked right now because your brain needs time to adjust to the truth. She is a loser, and this is over, and it was not love, she is not capable of that. Not this girl. She can only fake it to get your love, and live vicariously through you. Like a vampire feeds on blood. I highly recommend Sam Vaknin, Youtube video's on narcissism. Breath. Feel good about yourself for being a real human. A good man. That shit, is fucking priceless in this world.

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  27. I feel kind of terrified that it's twisted around, that I'm the BPD, even though my therapist says absolutely not. It scares me that she may think that and she's taking the advice of her friends/therapist to do NC with me because I'm the crazy one. If she was manipulating me, she'd not block me right, she'd try to engage and not block all contact. Blocking all contact is supposed to be healthy behavior to avoid someone that is toxic. See why I'm confused?

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    1. She will project her behavior on to you, and deny her own. That's what mentally ill abusers do. Blocking you, is manipulating you. You are being punished for her delusional psycho behavior. She is not allowing you to speak, defend yourself or have any control. She controls it. You are one of many men she has done this to. A healthy person blocking an abusive person is healthy. A toxic harpy psycho blocking someone she abused is control, abuse, spite, and the silent treatment. She is not giving you a choice, she hiding from accepting responsibility for her 100% guilty, vicious, hateful crime. You feel all fucked up because normal people would never think to be so evil, and cold, and your brain can't comprehend it. She is manipulating a new target now, who will face the exact same thing. It won't last long. Don't try to understand mental illness. That's like trying to understand why serial killers do what they do. The bottom line is there is no excuse, and she is not worthy of you, and she knows it. She's jealous of you, and wants you to suffer. Getting this through your head is going to take a lot of repetitive thinking. Your brain is in a tug of war fighting to hold on to the fantasy of what she was. You want to reject what she has proven to actually be. This relationship is over, and you are the winner. She is doomed, damned and destine for misery. She needs a mental institution, years of therapy, and drugs. Don't you dare blame yourself, or feel pity for her. You have to keep moving, and distract yourself from thinking about her until the chemicals in your brain adjust, and you form new memories, and habits.

      If it makes you feel better my girl blocked my phone, and Facebook, she called once three months later, then no reply for another three, then two days of long conversations, then no reply until Christmas. I cried like a baby alone for months. I loss 30 pounds from stress. Made an ass out of myself talking about it to strangers. I couldn't function. I'd talk to myself like a homeless nutter. It took a full year to resemble myself, and another year to return to 100%. Then three years to the date she called to tell me she loved me. She came to visit, and went back home. We talk occasionally, and she continues to tell me she loves me. I still love her as much as ever, but you learn to live with it, and you'll be a smarter, better man when this is over. I feel great now, and you will too. The second you truly accept the reality of her condition, and know you did nothing wrong. That feeling will go away.

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  28. Specifically-I know that my email is blocked. If she was wanting to do this on purpose, she would not block it, she'd just not respond. It seems healthy to block everything doesn't it?

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    1. Don't be a retard trying to figure out the meaning of what she does. She's making a statement of complete and total "fuck you". She'll change her mind when she wants to. What did I just tell you. You are not dealing with a healthy person. There is no such thing as healthy. She hasn't been healthy a day you know her. In fact, you don't even know her. Try blocking her, and think about what's healthy for you. You cannot fix this. There is no hope of having a real relationship with her. You have to face the truth, and keep facing it. She is your total enemy right now. You should be totally angry, that's healthy. There are no answers for what's going through her head. At best imaging a child stealing a toy from another. That's as close as you'll get. She hates you right now, and wants you to suffer because she's a selfish, emotionally ill child throwing her usual temper tantrum. That's it. End of story. She is thinking about herself, and when that appears to change and she calls you, she will be doing it for the same selfish reason. All that fun you may have had was about her, not you. You were an emotional dildo, that she used to make herself feel good. You are a toy she really wanted, then discarded like junk. That is how her mind works. She is smart enough to lie brilliantly, to get what she wants. Accept it. Its some some really cold, heartless shit. She doesn't know any better, she's fucking crazy. Her intent is to spite you, and cause you great pain. Knowing that, makes it less painful. Be angry, because there is nothing you can do to change her mind, except rejecting her, and moving on.

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    2. Write a rant here, telling her what a pathetic loser she is, and why Let it rip.

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  29. Wait now I'm really confused. This ex is still in your life and you still love her as much as ever and see her?

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    1. That doesn't sound like a angry rant to me. That sounds like someone who is begging to be abused. On occasion I still talk to almost all of the women I've talked about in this blog. I still have love for all of them. Almost all have expressed that they want me back, but when you are healed from the horrific mind fucking pain you are going through now, you won't do it. When given the opportunity you won't risk going this hell again. You'll forgive, and love them from a safe distance.

      Stop being confused and pay attention. Right now is not forever. Right now you have to fix yourself. You're probably bordering a nervous break down because what you believed was not true. Betrayal is a mother fucker. I think of the scene in Braveheart when Wallace discovers LeBruce has betrayed him, and he doesn't kill him, but falls down, in disbelief, wanting to die. As far as I know this is the most painful experience in life.

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    2. I'm female, and totally don't understand why you say you love your psycho ex, and at the same time are trying to help others get ruthlessly honest about trauma bonding etc. I would be friendly or at least cordial to exes who deserve my respect. Others I just see as weird losers who preyed on me during times when I was vulnerable. I wouldn't trust a guy who says he still loves a psycho ex who ruined his life. I don't think someone should trust me if I can't discern a relationship that didn't work from a psycho maniac. I'm "no contact" from a psycho, and I'm really surprised in the end these losers save their sorry faces by blocking. What nerve! Said psycho in my life came by once to tell me to lose his cell phone number or he'd report me, and it was all I could do to not laugh. I mean, he used the phone like a weapon, and I had to change my numbers etc. Keep my phones in off mode for two years.It's sick, dark, twisted, ironic, sad, and darkly humorous when they project.I really came to HATE THE WAY I FELT AFTER ANY CONTACT - ALL ADRENALINE CRAZED. Love? That's sacred, bros and gals.Hold it high. Don't cast your pearls to swine. If you did, fish your beautiful love out of the muck and mire, and clean it up until it shines!

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  30. Horrific mind fucking pain is right. I'm trying. Everyday. Already had a couple breakdowns, don't see any in the future I hope.

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    1. How are you doing Confused? Any better?

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  33. Hi Buddy , good to read your latest posts, you really know your stuff !

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  34. I am a 6 1/2 month survivor of a BPD psycho , still fight the feelings occasionally,and at certain times and triggers ( things that remind) . When I feel the pain coming on, I get angry again and start to remember one or two of her psycho episodes and it helps me snap out of it.

    It is a constant battle to supress any good memories and replace them with the stark reminders of how quickly a nice day, event, weekend, trip, could all be ruined by one of her episodes.

    It has been some comfort to learn that she now des not sleep well at night, texting two or three different guys all through the night, scrambling to find a job and rental accommodation for her and my dog that she stole from me. I have maintained 0 contact and each day feel stronger for it.

    One day their looks and body will run out and that wont be able to pull their crap on guys as easily as they do now. I supress those memories by reminding myself of the demon within her, capable of such deceit , lies and outright betrayal ! Let alone the smear campaign she launched on me.

    The Doc who enlightened me on BPD said these are the ones who usually end up living in the streets one day, pushing a shopping cart and talking to themselves. Untreated BPD ...

    Thanks for keeping this post alive Buddy ! My way of giving back is to try and educate as many Bros as possible about this disorder, hopefully save one .

    Regards

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    1. At some point you realize the truth is, they are all fucked up, and that's just the way it is. It had nothing to do with you. They'll never be happy. They didn't really do it on purpose. They did it because they are coping with the same painful emotions you suffered, only amplified greatly and they are unable to heal from them by themselves. They've been scarred with a core belief that they worthless, and they hate themselves. They're battling against that, but even the smallest things can trigger it, so they keep running away from it, lashing out against it to defend themselves, and we just got in the way. I believe that from analyzing my own behavior through the experience and then multiplying it. The relief of being over it, and back to my normal self is so good. Just thinking about how I felt during that first year make me cringe. Peace is coming.

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  35. Same situation here...
    I got dumped after relationship of 2years. Never really explaining why exept we are always fighting, I need to do this for myself because I fear I am losing myself(seems classic Borderline to me). No tears, just went to work the next day without ever showing any sign of remorse of consideration of my feelings.

    She still wanted to remain friends because she still wanted to play videogames together.. I just was not able to agree with that, acting like nothing happened and playing games... She could NOT understand why it was so difficult for me to move on.
    I feel stupid when I remember some of the occurrences in our relationship. For example: I found it difficult to deal with her distrust towards me so I said I needed time if I could be in relationship with this kind of distrust. Later she sent me a picture saying that now I definately would not want her anymore and showing that she cut herself all over her leg... This should have been a red flag but I loved her to much to see it..
    Another red flag was when I had words with her female friend and that caused a huge fight between us as well. It finally came to a situation where I had to call her friend to make up the problems before she would even consider of continuing the relationship with her...

    I went to the doctor because I was feeling to sick from this breakup to actually keep working(didn't know who this other person was and what the fuck she did with my girlfriend...)
    The doctor heard about the self mutilation and the early child abuse and said a serious mental issue was present in this girl. I looked up more info myself on the internet and 90% of the symptoms of borderline were obvious in our relationship. A week before the breakup she cried during a conversation that she was SO scared of losing me and losing herself and then she dumped me without tears or remorse, blaming me for everything that went wrong and that I would never change..

    I know her for 8 years in total and in those 6 years we were not in a relationship she said constantly been thinking about me that we were meant for each other but also constantly having small arguments and then pushing me away again for a few weeks, months... 2 years ago she said she could not contain it any longer and told me she LOVED me..
    When I agreed to be in this relationship I quickly saw she was feeling depressed, she had big money problems and everyone else was to blame for these problems. I felt like her saviour and she treated me like that every single day. Until of course the small issues we had started to really bother her leading to the eventual breakup... Main reason me being disappointed I would not hear her anymore for one night because her friend was coming over. I told her I wasn't angry about it but that didn't matter one bit... she was convinced that I was angry because she got that feeling(feelings are fact for BPS people).

    Anyway... I'm about to end my rant here.. I am still hurting and confused to figuring this out way to late. In way I still miss her but when thinking about it I am missing a dream that was never going to work.

    Good luck to everyone going through the same problems!

    Regards.

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  36. Mine has dropped off the face of the earth. She has changed her number deactivated Facebook and it has been 7 or 8 weeks. I'm going crazy. The night before she left we had sex and she even washed my clothes and folded them. I just don't get it. I want that woman to come back so I can curse her.

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    1. I also had the most lovable and emotional sex ever with her. The next day, when I was driving her to work, we even talked about how great and full of love it was.. 3 days later she breaks up with the reason that she believed I was angry at her again and could not handle the stress of the relationship...
      Telling her I was only disappointed(not angry) for not hearing or being close to her didn't help one bit... In her eyes I am know a manipulative ahole that was completely to blame for the end of this relationship... Pfff, what the hell goes on in her head I will never know...

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    2. What happened was she had something going good, and got to the point were the worry of losing it became terrifying. We are our own worst critics, with her its extreme. She thinks you will figure out that she is the horrible person she thinks she is, and abandon her, which would be a feeling that as you know right now is more painful than anything. With her its extreme. So she hit the reset button, and took control of the perceived abandonment and is starting over with the fresh excitement of a new admirer. Feeding her low self esteem with his elated happiness to be with her. This is the reaction to paranoia. Fear is what motivates this. Its not real. Its not a rejection of you, its a rejection of herself. I doesn't feel that way to you, but you'll see in time, she will call you out of the clear blue. She is thinking about you a lot, and trying to distract herself from doing so. It help you to see this situation you are in for what it actually is, instead of how it feels like it is. Those are two totally different things. You must use this restless energy to improve your life, and motivate you to accomplish a goal. Force yourself to fill the void with a positive habit. If you really must abuse yourself over this, do it at the gym.

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  37. This is awesome. Met my BPD (Bat Shit Crazy) ex 2 months ago...what an electrifying chemistry! She did everything right, spoiled me with affection, gave me every minute of her spare time, included me in all her plans, the sex was incredible...was like I had finally met my match, bearing in mind I was single and so damn happy for the last 18 months after a failed relationship. Then is started falling apart. She would hide her phone as her ex was texting her, she would lie about her whereabouts, cancel plans at the last minute and when I confronted her about it...it was all my fault, I was needy, clingy, jealous and crazy. She dumped my ass after I wanted to know what the hell was going on. A week later, after falling victim to my depression of losing this amazing person I saw her back with her ex at a local restaurant. I sat down at their table and introduced myself to him, telling him I was the one banging the crap out of her for the last 2 months, then accused her of being a lying, cheating skank and walked off. Her tears poured as they argued, they soon left and she paused in front of me with tears in her eyes, before she could say anything I said, "Your tears don't fool me anymore". This was followed by numerous texts explaining how much she hates me, I was a mistake, She doesn't know me anymore. I had won the battle and am stronger and ready for the war as I have read it ain't over till she wins...I got news for her, I ain't no walkover, I deserve better, I am worth more, I am a decent human being who actually cares about others feelings and emotions. Thanks for empowering me, this article is great and I have shared it with friends and family. These people need to be exiled to an island where they can all use each other until death do them part!!

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    1. Thanks, and great job. Those fake tears are just poison dripping her eyes. The victim mentality is pure mental illness, and criminal fraud that infects all of society. Politics is loaded with it. She hates you for exposing her lying fraud, and wants you to suffer for it. I swear its evil.

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  38. I would like to make my contribution to u guys, who have been dumped by a borderline who rebounded straight away... It happened to me 3 weeks ago, and I had no idea about BPD, until now...
    They are sick, and there is nothing u can do. It take 5/10 years therapy to get improvement, if they decide to commit, but who is going to believe seriously they will do that. They are scared about attachment, the same for u or a therapist! Their ability to seduce is a way of life to fuel their ego. The same for sex, this is a way to control u, and not feels empty. They are no one, just a mirror of what u are...
    I found mine in bed with a guy, one day after she asked to live with me, I missed my flight! She was in such a rage against me, u can not imagine!
    I blocked straight away her number, whatsapp or email, I receive 50 calls a day from unidentified Id number! This is crazy! But they are really crazy, bordeline is for me the level zero of schizofreny...
    Mine was so sensitive, that if I arrived in a room, she would drop her glas... She was not able to open any door when I was there, dropping her keys 2 or 3 times
    Sex was incredible, I am 42, she is 38, it was whenever, whatever, wherever u want, but u can not build a relationship on sex...
    It was an experience, but u should just run away as fast as u can!
    Sorry for u guys, who hope to get back ur ex, but u will be safer without them lying, cheating or manipulating u. They are abusers, u don't abandon them, their parents did, and u are not supposed to be their punching ball!
    Your needs did not matter... Their are like 3 years old in an adult body, no empathy... They have just infected you like a virus to control u...
    After extensive search to understand this nightmare, I found this nice blog written by shari schreiber who will explain u a way to heal, and to understand this madness... Understanding u are not the crazy one is ur way to escape ur pain.
    But the only satisfaction/revenge you'll ever get with a Borderline, is to shut them out/ignore them completely.
    Good luck
    Ur blog is great, tks!

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  39. They can hide this disorder from you for a long time. I should have listened to my older brother "Piss her off once and see how she handles it".

    Had some satisfaction the other day when I had to see a specialist she used to work for, an endodontic dentist she used to assist for a few years till he paid her off and showed her the door. When he realized I was the ex, a conversation followed about the horrible experience she put him and his whole office through. "up and down like a yo yo , trouble with all the other staff", he put it.".I gave her a bunch of money just to get rid of her!" So did I , I told him , a car and my dog she stole when she left. Helped me through that day. Remember guys they can hide this disorder for a long time when dating them so pay attention , look for the signs, ask about their parents.

    "Camouflage is Natures Craftiest Trick "

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  40. Buddy , good of you to keep this blog alive, helps to check in with you

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  42. Hi, Thank you very much for this blog, I will try to keep this short, but really could use some advice on what the hell just happened to me and what did i do so wrong? I'm a professional women in my 40's started dating a professional man in his 50's., everything was very wonderful at the beginning and very intense, i thought i had found "the one" he was the first one to say i love you after 9 days, the first one to bring up living together and marriage.. I first had my taste of his rage 3 months in and i should have left then... i brought him a surprise lunch from his favourite restaurant and he had a fit, because he wasn't hungry and i was "forcing" him to eat... as i said i should have seen the red neon flashing red sign then but he had convinced me that he was always done wrong by by every women he has ever dated and he was always the one to get hurt, betrayed, lied to and left and i was going to love him through it. I wasn't going to be another one of "those women" ... but over the next 6 months the rages continued and for no reason, i never did anything to bring them on.. it was usually when i was trying to help him do something and just got in his way... but at other times he was very loving and kind and sweet and giving and i thought ok, i can do this... we can do this... then one evening i was at home at 8 at night and i got an email telling me everything that was wrong with me and how he just couldn't date me anymore as he just couldn't stand me anymore. He said to not drive out to his house and confront him, not to text him, not to phone him, email him or anything but in time he would like to be friends??? it has been 3 months and i have had no contact with him, nor did i ever reply to his email. I have no idea what the hell happened and i know in my head i dodged a bullet but my heart is just barely beating and i dont know what i did to deserve this and how do i get over it and stop wanting him to call me or come and see me or something... HELP!!!

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  43. Don't know what I can say to help out here other than time heals , a long time as this was not a "Normal" relationship if you were involved with someone with BPD .Their toxicity wears off on you so getting over someone you cared for with BPD is a different process than a normal break up. They are mentally ill and most are beyond reach of any therapy. Don't try to understand mental illness , just get away from it , set healthier boundaries for yourself and thank God they are out of your life. Educate yourself about BPD, there is plenty of information , that will at least help your mind understand what you encountered . Don't blame yourself , you were just another house in the way of a tornado. Sad thing is they are probably doing the exact same thing to their next victim, as they will never get better. you will...in time .

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  44. Omg! #13 on your list.... I love you too man.... The best bpd help blog out there. I love your blog

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  45. I loved the article….especially the part that he has declared war on me. I was in and out of a relationship for the past 3 years, right now off again for about a month now. I know the ex shows many characteristics or traits of BPD and NPD, but I don’t think he has been diagnosed as either. I know for certain, that he and the majority of his family have been diagnosed with ADD and I’ve read that, in a lot of cases, other personality disorders co-exist with ADD. He was controlling and manipulative most of the relationship. Of course, I was only too accommodating, and fell into the role of the caretaker in the relationship. He took advantage of my kindness and generosity. I spent much of my time at his house, interacting with his family, while alienating myself from mine, doing what he wanted me to do, when he wanted me to do it. As of late, I found myself only spending the weekends at his house as we both worked during the week, and I would always arrive at his house, clean it, prepare meals for him and his family, neighbors, whomever, and the routine would start again the next day. I began to feel as though I was his hired cleaning lady, underappreciated, undervalued, and disrespected. As of late, he was having SERIOUS issues with his “adult” daughter. (I hesitate to use that word in describing her). Of course, being the good girlfriend, I would NEVER offer any advice as to how he should deal with the issues his DAUGHTER has, but when ASKED, I offered my opinion to help in some way with what he was going through. He’s always been the one to break up with me….always saying that “we’re not meant to be”, or “I love you, but I not IN LOVE with you”. On one occasion, he told me he thought I was great, and he thought the world of me, but he just didn’t see a future with me, and he didn’t think he could love me. Of course, having heard that, I walked away. Sure enough, he kept minimal contact for a while, dated someone else (I did briefly also) and then, out of the blue, invited me to a play (we often went to see plays together, he held season tickets). I went and we started talking again. I DID mention to him that he’d told me that he didn’t see a future with me, and that he didn’t see himself falling in love with me and asked why, after having told me that, I should WANT to see him or talk to him. He told me that “that was all in the past, comments and feelings of the past, and I had to stop living in the past and live in the present and future”. He also said that he didn’t think that way anymore and he actually felt quite the opposite. What was I thinking???? Well, the relationship lasted another year after that. Now, with all the issues he has with his daughter, the fact that I started to stand up for myself by NOT conforming to HIS schedule, HIS needs and HIS wants, (it’s not like I was completely denying anything that he wanted me to do, just wanted to throw some of my own terms into the equation) he told me again, that “it was obvious we weren’t going to work it out, we weren’t meant to be, he loves me, but he’s not IN LOVE with me, and we just don’t see eye-to-eye on the fundamental issues.” Of course when I asked him for an example of the “fundamental issues” (I knew it was because I didn’t agree with the things he was doing for his children, or the way he was trying to live their lives for them as well) he said that he didn’t have a list, and then followed that up with “there would be no discussion on this matter, HE had made up his mind, and he’s NOT coming back this time”. Fine.

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  46. PART 2

    I took the money he’d deposited in my Southwest account for future travel with him (we went to Kansas City once a year to see HIS friends), scheduled myself a flight, booked a condo, and will be taking a trip ON HIM, and on HIS birthday. About two weeks after he broke up with me, having spent the money in the Southwest account, I sent him a quick email just informing him that I’d spent the money for the trip that had been cancelled, by him, and rescheduled 4 times already. (felt a little guilty as HE was the one that paid for the plane ticket after I told him I wouldn’t/couldn’t go because I didn’t have the $400 for the ticket. Just felt like I wanted to spend MY money on something I wanted to do) Didn’t tell him where I was going or when (and of course, he didn’t ask). He said “excellent, I hope you have a great trip and were able to utilize all the funds”. Then he said that he needed to get my stuff back to me. I’d told him to get rid of everything, just throw it in the trash. He then asked if I still had his bag of clothes. It was only a t-shirt, pair of jeans, and a $10 pair of flip-flops from Costco. I had no idea that stuff was so important to him. So, I told him I hadn’t thrown it out yet and he said he would like to retrieve that stuff if it wasn’t too much trouble. I told him it wasn’t a problem and said that I’d be happy to MAIL or ship his belongings to him. He said he would STOP by and retrieve those items. WHY WOULD HE STOP BY WHEN I SAID I WOULD SHIP HIS STUFF???!!! Anyway, I realized it was him still controlling the situation, the break-up, the ending, the finalization. I was there, we did the exchange, I wasn’t rude, but I was really non-engaging. After all the other break –ups I would send him a long email about how I didn’t want things to be this way, that the break-up was not what I wanted, that I thought it could work. This time, he got NONE of that from me. I didn’t even say anything to him about the break-up, or how I thought it was wrong when he came for his stuff. So, he gave me a hug, (I released first) and told me to take care of myself. Of course, people are telling me that he’s going to contact me again, perhaps when he gets his life in order, and his children in order, but I don’t think so this time. He’s never said, “he’s made up his mind and he’s not coming back this time”. That sounded pretty final. This is also the longest he’s gone without making some sort of contact.

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  47. PART 3 (sorry, just have to vent)

    Looking back, there were so many instances where I was disrespected, made a fool of and hurt. I can’t even begin to describe the times he forced me to apologize to his friends for things, when I did nothing wrong, but in his eyes, I caused some scene or something that was embarrassing. He MADE me apologize to his friends one time, his son and his girlfriend, and really made me feel like a piece of shit. The time I was forced to apologize to his son it was because I caused a scene and made a fool out of myself, yet, he was the one ranting and raving and yelling. When I talk to his son, he immediately looked at me and said “don’t you dare”. I asked why he said that and he said that I’d better not be apologizing for MY actions when they both saw that his father was the irrational one. I told him that I wasn’t apologizing for MY actions, as I agreed that I’d done nothing wrong, but I was going to apologize for subjecting them to that, and for them having witnessed that interaction/altercation altogether. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the whole thing that set his father off was that I said something nice about his ex-wife (the boy’s mother) and he felt that I was defending HER to HIM and “she’s the reason my kids are so messed up, and she’s a horrible, nasty person and deserves to be dead. Everyone’s life would be better if she HAD died” (not to say that he ever threatened to harm her in any way, cause he didn’t. Just thought that would be a solution to all the problems) I’m still left with the feeling that I just wasn’t what he wanted, that I did everything for him and he couldn’t find it in his heart to love me. We can’t control who we love and who we don’t, so I can’t be mad at him for not loving me. It’s been a month since the break-up, two and a half weeks from the exchange of belongings, and I’ve not heard a word from him. I don’t expect to, but it would be nice to know that I’m NOT the only one suffering here. Anyhoo, thanks for the article….it helped a lot 

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  48. Out of the frying pan into the fire: While in a long marriage to someone who was irrevocably passive aggressive, I met a gorgeous young woman who made me feel like a million. After years of seriously trying to fix my marriage and being made to feel like crap because of the habitual lying, procrastination, jabs out of nowhere, lack of intimacy, the experience of being made to feel WANTED again was too much to ignore. I admitted defeat in my marriage and proceeded to start seeing my dream girl. You know the rest of the drill. At first I was told she had divorced her husband when she met me because he just was emotionally unavailable, eventually she told me she left him for me. She told me she planned my seduction and I had no chance. We worked on the same project, and she was right--with what she knew of my home situation before I asked for the divorce I had no chance at all. It's amazing how low my self esteem was. Long story short, talk from moving in together and kids went to "you aren't what I thought you were" rather quickly as the divorce date approached and passed. Now she's back with her ex-husband but wants to be friends with me like she is with all of her ex's. What I've been told is the root of our relationship problem is we disagree. And I don't know how to deal with my anger. Her and her ex husband never disagreed (To me that sounds REALLY unhealthy even without the BPD.) And other than one instance, when I've been peeved, my tone becomes sharp, but that's about it. She is allowed to be pissed at me, but the moment my tone is anything other than soft and gentle she gets hurt and runs away. Finally she told me she's going back to her ex because we just wouldn't have worked out. I've read hypersentivity to emotions is one of the trademarks of BPD. Ok. Whatever. As I'm figuring out what I got myself out of, I get her stopping by my desk and calling to find out how I'm doing. As if I MUST be angry and upset. (I saw this coming for the better part of two months and told my family so--they had already met her.) For the most part what really aggravated me was someone telling me what my emotions must be. She fed on pain and fear--she always wanted me to let go and cry.

    Fast forward to last night. I talked to another friend who made me doubt whether this girl is BPD. (She actually tells people she is PTSD from a stalker who I'm betting was made crazy by her BPD.) So I sent a few texts about what she claimed was the problem in the relationship. "Every healthy relationship has disagreements." "And when I'm peeved I need the equivalent of the hug you get when your crying--it's about understanding I'm hurt at the action not at you." I get a phone call shortly thereafter, starting with "I was just with my ex and you sounded hurt." Nope--not hurt, just trying to clear up any misunderstandings (I know I have closure issues.) Very gentle and calm, but very confident of myself. As she starts getting more and more frustrated that I'm NOT hurt and angry I find myself getting calmer as I am more and more sure that SHE is BPD and the true problem isn't with me. I get accused of playing games and being passive aggressive--she knows those are my buttons. I just get calmer and more confident. Finally I get "I can't talk to you anymore tonight." For the most part I sleep like a baby. Almost the best revenge ever! If she decides to mess with me, I have a few other surprises in store.

    On the flip side, it helped me realize I needed to get out of a bad marriage I couldn't fix. So maybe, this was part of the master plan to help me move forward in my life.

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