So you have been betrayed, and discarded by an emotionally traumatized adult child, and now you are suffering the withdrawal from the fantasy of love, and a false reality you have come to identify as your world. Adrenaline pumps through you as if you're in danger. Obsessive negative thoughts flood your head in visions like a DVD player on fast forward. Your stomach suffers an infestation of psychotic butterflies, and you've just discovered a new weight loss program that really works well. Depression has arrived, and rushed in to fill the void of your missing world. You attempt to cope.
Your first instinct is denial. You just want the pain to go away, and like a junky you will do and say anything to return to your comfort zone. You want answers, and you'll seek them from anyone, searching for the magic potion to make your significantly damaged other return to you. You'll dive head first into the hands of hustlers and parasites waiting to capitalize and profit on your pain.
You'll consume horoscopes, Tarot readings, and even psychic palm readers looking for hope. You spend hours taking advice from an industry of parasites who want to give you the guaranteed formula to get your ex back, and psychologically trick them into being in love with you, for a discounted price if you buy NOW.
Do yourself a huge favor and fuck those scumbag predators. They will prolong your pain, with their false hope, secret knowledge, and bargain bullshit. That's the last crap you need. Numbing the pain with drugs, and alcohol has more class than those parasites.
Your only path to recovering from this is loving and defending yourself. If you have a few good friends, and family members, you don't even need a therapist to guide you back to healthy thinking. You need to focus on the "truths", not the fantasies, if only's, or I should haves.
1. Devalue the twisted opinions, criticism, and delusions of your ex, because they have no value.
2. Forgive yourself for being unaware of your ex's true identity, and weak character.
3. Set some simple positive goals, and habits that will pay off down the road.
4. Don't sit around doing nothing, get out there and build new memories. Give your mind something to do.
5. Exorcize, exsorcise, excersize, any way you spell it, it pays dividends.
6. Be proud you are the good guy. There is no substitute for being the good guy.
Hi....
ReplyDelete"Significantly damaged other": well done, I'm going to have to borrow that phrase. I'm six weeks out from being split black and discarded into complete silence---slowly getting past the junkie phase you aptly described in this post. Reading your blog has helped a lot. Thank you for everything Buddy.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't fold, did you?
ReplyDeleteI haven't folded. I'm still alive and still free. Blogging about it too now.
ReplyDeleteHey man, you haven't blogged in a year. What's going on? You ok?
ReplyDeleteI'm working my ass off, and building a new life. Yeah, I am okay. Better than I've been in a long time.
DeleteHappy for you. Some more posts would be great.
DeleteSo she has left 4 times since January then comes back and wants to work on. Things . Then will leave again in 7-10 days . She wanted to work on things so bad this last time . I still love u I can't stop thinking about u . Calls my family looking for me . Then goes away for 3 days and says I gottra go with my gut I can't do this ???? How does this happen ?
ReplyDeleteHang in there buddy. This is perhaps one of the most perplexing, paradoxical part of BPD, NPD of any of the cluster B personality types. You have to realize that she is not experiencing the same "love" or "relationship" you are. Abandonment fears creep up so she runs to comfort, only to feel engulfed and ready to run. I suggest reading Stop Walking on Eggshells; then decide if this new understanding helps you in your decision to stay or leave. Seek therapy outside of your relationship. Man Joey, if I had someone telling me this while I was in my BPD relationship my life would be just a little different versus putting it back together after the big fallout and no contact treatment.
DeleteHang in there. Give us an update.
Joey, I think you should agree with her, meaning call her bluff. Tell her you love her, but your gut tells you somethings wrong, and maybe you'd both benefit from some time apart. I know that's difficult because you really don't want to, and just want to chill in your comfort zone, but making the choice to step out side of your comfort zone, and taking control away from her is gold for your ego. That's the advice I'd give myself. Following it, is something else, but I believe its the right way to go. Don't be a dick, or say too much. Don't make the mistake of thinking logical arguments, truth, or promises will help. Simply give her time, make her wonder, and let her close herself. Be willing to walk. I did that with the last nut I dated, and she still calls trying to get back together. I made the mistake with the girl before her and it took years before she started calling me again. Good luck.
DeleteThanks bud for responding !! So I haven't talked to her since Monday she made it clear she is all set with us. Should I just disappear not text her again. Do you think she will reappear? If so what do I say ?
ReplyDeleteThere's no telling if she will appear again, when, or how long she will stay for.
DeleteI know your heart is throbbing at the strike of every key, and that you're so fucking in love that you're just waiting for her to come back to feel complete again, to feel that high and happiness, but try to do the following.
Read the book I suggested.
Focus on your needs. If you need time to clear your head and get your head together, just let her know. She will more than likely not give you that space, but that's where you demand it.
As a survivor I can only recommend you try to fix yourself, not on what you should say bud... I know you're looking for more conclusive answers, but this is not one of those things where one can be given.
Remember Joey, love isn't this push / pull, silent treatment. Please seek therapy and take time for yourself.
I appreciate you taking the time . I guess you just try to understand how someone can lack any empathy after all the bull they feed you . Truth is I was almost healed and then she got me back in her sick game . Her excuse is always my emotions are all over the place . First it was over a lie I told them cause of her dad passing then her brother being depressed . Oh wait then my dad having cancer brought old memories back about her dad dying from it . She messed my head up so bad that you don't know what's what . I should have left her . Instead now she feels like she has the power over me and that sucks . But in her mind she thinks I will call again or text her . To plead for her to come back . But I'm so done .
ReplyDeleteStay strong man. You deserve to be overwhelmingly happy with a partner. Adults are responsible with their emotions; they don't act carelessly with them. I know it's tough, trust me. Update us in a few weeks.
DeleteThank u!
ReplyDeleteWowsers so I saw her on a dating site lmao after just a week !! Well I guess that answers my question will she come back!! NO! Well not my problem anymore. How sick is this chick?
ReplyDeleteNext time she texts, ask her why are you texting me?
DeleteAfter her response say, I am heading down to "insert crappy place she would never want to go", if you want to talk I will be there.
50/50 she will show up. If she does, don't comfort her. Just get a beer and act like she isn't there. 50/50 she will stay. If she does and you can keep the act up forever, she will treat you like a king. 25% chance at having her treat you well for the rest of your life.
That being said, you can probably call her up for booty calls if this fails. Treat her like she doesn't matter and eventually she will probably stick.
Up to you if you want to abuse this or if you secretly love her deeply. Just make sure a secret.
I don't know man.. NC is better in my opinion. She's better at the narcissistic games than Joey will ever be.
DeleteHey buddy, is there a way we can exchange numbers or emails to have further conversation? I've got a fucking train wreck of a story for you mate. Perhaps it could be published into a fictitious representation of a nonfictional account.
ReplyDeleteThis blog is exactly what I need right now. My now ex girlfriend ( I am a woman) dumped me after two months of saying I was her soul mate and we were going to get married. She now says she doesn't love me anymore and never did. There are lots of us out here. Thanks again man!
ReplyDeletePlease send me advice I'm a woman with a bpd gf,she broke up with her wife wifho she claimed wasn't in love with for many years, we've been together 8 months, she promised to get a divorce cause she so in love with me, I've never felt so loved or given so much of myself before, but she constantly acts jealous and breaks up with me every 2 weeks, I got us an apartment but she wants me to sell my house to prove commitment, her up n down makes me not want to, so now she has went from almost demand full commitment to her to now we are just dating, she is single, but she keeps saying because I don't sell my house to be with her,but I am with her. Here's where I need help I've seen recent texts to her ex saying she still love her n wants to be with her but she has to save money to get them a place as she moved far away when they split, I think I'm in denial how could my gf who preached how she hates liars n cheaters be talking to her ex about getting back, need advice so sad
ReplyDeleteDon't you dare sell your house ever. Your advice is dump that bitch cold and call her bluff. Don't call her, and date other girls. You cannot win at her game, because playing with a loser is losing.
DeleteHey, you - Hemingway of the mindfucked and broken-hearted - thank you! You are a kind human, and a savior to me in this moment.
ReplyDeleteI just got unceremoniously discarded (via text!) by a seemingly-BPD guy. An illness his behavior led me to discover btw.
I'm old enough to have known better than to stay on this emotionally-torturous rollercoaster for over a year... but hope, denial and compassion is a volatile cocktail. sadly.
I'm stunned, humiliated, heartbroken and scared. The mindfuck is HUGE.
Finding your words tonight is a comfort. just wanted to say, thanks :)
LMAO! Sweet heart, you are most welcome. Grind this out and rise again. If you stumble a bit, forgive yourself and remember, I love you, and know how special you are. XXXOOO
Deleteok, i've stumbled & forgiven myself and back again more times than i can count. why can't i throw in the towel?
Deleteyou in LA? if so, i'll buy you a drink if you're inclined ... maybe you can help walk me out of this madness :)
ok, i've stumbled & forgiven myself and back again more times than i can count. why can't i throw in the towel?
ReplyDeleteyou in LA? if so, i'll buy you a drink if you're inclined ... maybe you can help walk me out of this madness :)
You poor heart broken bastard. There is no throwing in the towel, or walking out of it. You have to let it fade away. It will eventually. You have to battle with accepting it everyday. Its a slow grind, friend, but you will get the old you back in the end, and you'll love that guy more than ever.
Deleteoh, i'm new to posting and replied in the wrong spot. i'm the girl you replied to earlier.
Deleteplus, bad writing on my part... not 'throwing in the towel' ala giving up on life ... i meant - why can't i accept defeat, stop hoping against hope, and let go ?
he gets close, then pulls away ... both in dramatic (emotionally sweet / verbally abusive ways). it feels like he's a wounded animal in one of those rescue videos.
he's young. sometimes encouragingly healthy-seeming. then, here we go again with the push/pull cycle.
i'm an optimist. and i really like the guy. would demanding he get help (therapy) if he wants me to stay have any impact?
if i'm being a wide-eyed optimist and things are never gonna change - how do i break the cycle and truly let go?
You never truly let go of anyone you fall in love with. Even when you are convinced they are shitty people. They will always be a part of your life, and its likely you will talk to them again sooner or later. Part of breaking your addiction to them is chemical like any other drug. You are in withdrawal from the happy chemicals they released in your brain. The rest has less to do with him, and more to do with your own ego. What you have to realize is, this is not personal. You are dealing with a rotten, manipulative child. You must punish him like one, and send him to his room. AKA Zero contact. Deprive him of your attention. He is much weaker than you emotionally no matter how he tries to appear strong. Its false. Reject him. Take that power away from him. Deep down you know, you can't waste your life with a pathetic loser, so don't lie to yourself. Accept it, he's a pathetic loser. He'll keep proving it to you, and you are better than that. Grind this out sweet heart. I love you, woman.
Deleteyes, yes ... you are right. i can't tell you how much it helps to hear you lay it out like that - and, to feel your support as a fellow human, and as a good and caring guy :)
DeleteYou know, this time he told me: "You can do better so go do it"
The first night we met he asked me - "Would you ever give a guy like me a chance?"
I did. so many.
I want a healthy partner and he's not working toward that.
I have a soft heart so this won't be easy. But i also have a hard core, and I was a shot at real love & happiness with someone.
hey, thanks for being you... for listening, for sharing, and for caring.
Its all good. We've all been there. You're going to be alright.
Deletewww.gettinbetter.com
ReplyDeleteThis weekend marks 1 year since my BPDx dumped me on the night of my PhD dissertation defense, threatening to throw my laptop with 5 years of hard work out the window, and 3 months since she dumped me the second time, accusing me of being an arrogant coward who didn't know what true love was.
ReplyDeleteRemember how, after all I did on our first anniversary, an expensive horseback ride on the beach, a custom photo album, flowers, two whole days together with fancy meals, she got frustrated and was pounding nails in the wall out of anger (and posting it on facebook). Over what? At the end of the night, after devoting my full attention to her all day, chilling and watching a surf movie with her roommate? She simply has an insatiable need to be the center of attention at all times, to obtain narcissistic supply.
Remember how she snapped at my best friends at the wedding, wagging her finger in his face. For what? Wanting to after-party? Because she feared there would be cocaine there? How was I supposed to read her mind? Why take that out in anger against us? Guess what, a few months ago she told me how she did coke and loved it.
Remember how, on the first night we moved in together, she screamed “fuck you” over what? Cockroaches? Not my fault! It's not like I planted roaches in the apartment to spite her.
Remember how she blew up at me in Canada for spending too much time in the gift shop at the museum when she was hungry (maybe 20 minutes?), for reading books on the sailboat, for a dirty sock on the pillow that was hers, not mine. Completely ungrateful that she got an all-expenses paid sailing trip for a week. I even split her plane ticket. Yet the whole time she just lashed out at me again and again over the most insignificant infractions.
Remember how she ruined my Baja research trip because my mom sent an email to my brother, his fiancee, myself, and her about finances. Remember how personally she took it, like an insult, blowing up my phone with angry messages when I was hundreds of miles away collecting specimens, even though it was just meant as friendly and helpful advice for all of us.
Remember how she blew up at me for wanting to photograph a salamander, after I listened to her rant about her family for the whole drive down to Santa Cruz.
Remember how she snapped at my mom at the kitchen table over a soft-boiled egg, when my mom told her to eat, shocking my brother and grandmother too.
Remember how on New Year's Eve, she got wasted and told me she "didn't love me like a lover anymore".
Remember how she threw a tantrum at Nordstrom Rack over what? I was looking at shoes for myself instead of a watch for her? She decided to try on jeans first - I gave her feedback, and she wanted me to get new shoes anyway. The whole fucking shopping trip was her idea.
Remember her drunken rages, how she screamed at me calling me crazy the night of her friend's wedding. She was nearly psychotic when drunk, impossible to calm her down or reason with her. THAT’S why I was so anxious about her moving in with me again the second time around.
Remember how low her self-esteem was, even though she was beautiful, she still was constantly criticizing her own appearance, every little flaw. That’s why she constantly needs attention and flattery and most importantly COCK to feel good about herself. I was nothing but an emotional dildo to her.
Remember how she used to be an escort. Normal healthy women don’t parade around in heels everyday like that. That is almost prostitution.
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ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteRemember her DUI - and how she denied responsibility for her actions by blaming it on a man who was hitting on her, she had to get away from him. Classic BPD - avoiding responsibility.
ReplyDeleteRemember her abusive/alcoholic brother and mother, and remember that if I had made the mistake of marrying her, I would have had to deal with them for the rest of my life too.
Remember how she ranted on and on and on about her childhood abuse and fear of abandonment issues - all the "therapy" that she went through - classic borderline personality disorder.
Remember how she ran away from Pittsburgh to San Diego, she probably burned way too many bridges back home, and most of those friendships she had there died. The only ones left are her drinking buddies.
Remember that shitty book I caught her reading right before she dumped me - “The Alpha Female Meets her Match” - a how-to guide on how "strong alpha women" like her can control and manipulate nice men like me.
Remember how, on the night of my greatest accomplishment, my fucking PhD defense, she dumped me like a sack of shit, it was all about her feelings, mine did not matter. My crime? Smoking a little pot with my best friends? Not "standing up for her against my mom" who was taking pictures of us at the dinner table (with 15 other people) because she was chewing pizza? Standing up for myself against her manipulative, selfish ways when she threatened to throw my dissertation out the window? I DID NOTHING WRONG THAT NIGHT - I DESERVED TO CELEBRATE WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY AS I PLEASED.
Remember how, after getting back together several months later (big mistake!) she threatened to put my shit on the doorstep because I didn’t text her for 24 hours while I was at a conference, even though she didn’t text me either. Remember how I tried to make it up by taking her out to an expensive restaurant, where she proceeded to bitch about work nearly the whole time.
Remember how she told me she had never been more than 5 weeks without sex since she was sixteen. Remember how she smirked, without remorse, when she told me how she chronically cheated on her ex-boyfriend. That is twisted and sick and SLUTTY as hell. She is no Madonna!
Remember how she called me an arrogant coward 12 hours after wanting to stop communication, and emailed my family instead. That is so manipulative and abusive. Why? Because I called her out on her abusive behavior after seeing a professional therapist, who told me her behavior was abusive! She can't handle it - she can't handle accepting any fault or blame - that's why she dumped me again - that's why I'm suffering the silent treatment now (another form of emotional abuse) - classic borderline personality disorder.
Remember how she said I don’t know what it’s like to work a full time job. The nerve to say that to me - after working for 5 years to get my PhD - teaching classes at the university level, applying for grants and permits, conducting international field work, collaborating with government agencies, lots of lab work, data analyses, writing, presenting results at international conferences, submitting manuscripts to peer-reviewed journals - not a full-time job? That is so false and degrading, again, emotionally abusive. Just because she is a nurse who clocks in and out of her job, doesn't make her better than me.
Remember how she avoided blame for the whole failed relationship by accusing ME of not looking her in the eyes and telling her I loved her (what a bunch of bullshit, how many times have I done that?) and by not choosing her 100% every day. How am I supposed to choose someone 100% every day who manipulates and abuses me? Who completely disregards my feelings and my accomplishments?
Remember how she cashed my check for her final plane ticket without a thank you or any contact. That is so fucked up, treating me like scum under her boots. The last straw. The final goodbye.
FORGET
ReplyDeleteForget the first honeymoon phase, it wasn't the real her. Remember, all BPD's start with this phase - alluring, seductive, kind, loving, generous, all to reel you in and hook you. Her true side didn't come out until much later, especially when we moved in. She just got out of a relationship with her ex boyfriend and was using me as an emotional dildo to recover. She is probably doing the same exact thing to some other nice guy right now.
Forget the second honeymoon phase. Thanksgiving and new year's were awesome, yes, but only because I invested an enormous amount of my time and energy into pleasing her. It was unsustainable. I spent well over a thousand dollars on her and had to put my own needs and desires (e.g. the need to have some space and time to myself to work and study, the need to be able to talk to other women innocently without her getting jealous) second to hers. And she never really was genuinely sorry for dumping me in the first place - she just needed me as an emotional dildo again.
Forget all her slick-sounding self-help, self-therapy talk. BPD’s, especially in the helping professions, are expert parrots. She’s smart; she can repeat what she read in a self-help book.
THIS WOMAN IS SICK, SHE HAS BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, I CANNOT HELP HER, SHE IS FUCKING POISON, I CAN ONLY HELP MYSELF BY MOVING ON.
FUCK THAT NARCISSISTIC, ABUSIVE, SELFISH, DEGRADING, MANIPULATIVE, CHEATING SLUT. I DESERVE BETTER.
This morning is one year since she dumped me the first time. 3 months since she dumped me the second time. Still grieving the loss of the fantasy that I could have spent the rest of my life with her. She is not talking to me or responding to me in any way right now, which although painful is almost certainly for the best, but if she were to read this, I would want her to know that I don't hate her, I still love her deeply, yes I am angry and bitter right now at the way I was treated (thus my angry venting above) but I now am slowly realizing it was not a reflection of my own self-worth, it was really more about her own issues, and I can't take that too personally, it is totally out of my control. I tried so hard to solve all her problems, an impossible task, I think being a rescuer is part of my nature, but in the end we are each responsible for our own behavior and happiness. The reality is, she was miserable deep down inside, and she was projecting it onto me. Once I heal, I will feel only pity and sympathy for her. But now I will harness my anger, it is a survival mechanism, it is empowering, it is the turn of the tide. Eventually I will move on towards acceptance and forgiveness for myself and her. It is a tough day to make it through but I will survive and overcome this stronger than before.
ReplyDeleteThat's the truth my friend. Good for you. Keep moving. There is so much more in your future that you deserve to experience. Life has just begun.
DeleteI've read and re read all of these posts!! I've been on and off with this girl for years, I'm a girl and we both have kids! I'm the only girl she's had a relationship with and every once in a while she fucks off with a man, I was broken last time but this time? It feel a billion times worse, we have a holiday booked in 6 weeks (for 2 weeks) and 4 kids who are looking forward to it. She said that we weren't together this time altho we spent practically every day and every weekend together. She told me on the Sunday that she loved me then met this dude on the Monday, now claiming to love him and he's her future! She wants to remain friends and in a way I have to for the holiday. I've always been confident and happy but now I'm a wreck and we were supposed to be best friends... I need some help guys.
ReplyDeleteI've read and re read all of these posts!! I've been on and off with this girl for years, I'm a girl and we both have kids! I'm the only girl she's had a relationship with and every once in a while she fucks off with a man, I was broken last time but this time? It feel a billion times worse, we have a holiday booked in 6 weeks (for 2 weeks) and 4 kids who are looking forward to it. She said that we weren't together this time altho we spent practically every day and every weekend together. She told me on the Sunday that she loved me then met this dude on the Monday, now claiming to love him and he's her future! She wants to remain friends and in a way I have to for the holiday. I've always been confident and happy but now I'm a wreck and we were supposed to be best friends... I need some help guys.
ReplyDeleteThank you Buddy for these posts. I was with a guy for 3.5 years. He had a terrible ex who was just evil. I wanted to show him I was one of the good guys. We hit it off, like a dream come true. I felt like I met my soulmate. Even the sex was too good to be true.
ReplyDeleteHe was going back to school and had a history of unstable jobs. My lifestyle was one of stability, education oriented and just a grounded, stable lifestyle. I wanted to provide stability and care to his life.
Things moved fast where he moved in pretty quick. I came home once, only to find he had moved out while I was at work. Confused and dumbfounded, we talked. We resolved his issues and he moved back in.
I later bought a house, with him moving with me. Again, I came home one day and he was gone. Same deal. He created these issues that he said I had. He couldn't live with these issues. In talking again, he realized he was creating these stressful situation, that these issues were not real.
He had anger issues. Throwing me across the room once. Of course, I made him push me. He said he felt I was going to hit him, thus he pushed me away. I've never hit anyone.
He went on a three week vacation to a warm, sunny state. We Skyped, talked everyday. He sent me beach pictures and we told each other we missed each other. I missed my partner who I loved.
Four days after he returns, he tells me he isn't happy with the neighborhood. For the past two months prior to his vacation, he has been hounding me to sell my house. He tells me he wants to move to the sunshine state and start his own business selling baked goods.
I'm confused, we talk, I get more confused. I go to bed. He comes to bed where we have sex. I tell him I love him. He tells me he loves me too.
The next day he moves out. He tells me in a text he still loves me. Talk about confusion. Furthermore, he refuses to tell me why he left.
I try to contact a family member of his. He finally responds via email with a laundry list of flaws that I have. Suddenly we are too far apart in age.
I was in a state of confusion for about a week. I later found out he was diagnosed with BPD years ago. I've read info in books and online on the topic. I also suspect he and family members have narcissistic traits as well.
There has been no closure. He refuses to have an adult conversation about things. Just moved on and swears he talked to me about things. It's just crazy.
Reading these posts put things in perspective. He is just a damaged person. His actions have nothing to do with me. Thank you for providing this mean of communication, helping us non BPD individuals.
I have just left a relationship and she is in total denial about being a borderline although she totally is. Reading through these comments and other sites confirms that she is. She has absolutely messed up my head to the point that I cannot cope with anything. Reading through these comments has helped me to come to terms with what has happened. I have a long way to go with regards to healing myself but I expect she is off doing the same thing to some other poor bastard...I was just an emotional dido to her. I can't believe this has happened to me... Be afraid of borderlines they are everywhere, mine is a teacher
ReplyDeleteI have just left a relationship and she is in total denial about being a borderline although she totally is. Reading through these comments and other sites confirms that she is. She has absolutely messed up my head to the point that I cannot cope with anything. Reading through these comments has helped me to come to terms with what has happened. I have a long way to go with regards to healing myself but I expect she is off doing the same thing to some other poor bastard...I was just an emotional dido to her. I can't believe this has happened to me... Be afraid of borderlines they are everywhere, mine is a teacher
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
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