It has been three years, and one week, since I was burned by the person, I love most. I'd be lying to say, I haven't thought about her everyday since. This is the girl, that gave birth to this blog, that we are talking about.
After the first year of hell, where I was shut out completely, we had a once a month, or two, communication. She is with some guy, and not happy with him. Lately we share a brief text, with more frequency. Today, she unloaded on me, with an apology that made me cry. She is admitting she went crazy, and made big mistakes, she wants to correct. She is telling me she is coming home soon, and how much she loves me, misses me, and is so sorry. She even mentioned she wants a do over, and she doesn't want to be sick, anymore. She seems to have found Jesus, too. As much as I have prayed, dreamed, and hoped to hear those words, they have been my greatest fear for a while now. What's scarier, is, I believe, she believes it. She friended me, on Facebook, after being blocked, this whole time.
Why is it my greatest fear? Because I love this fucked up girl, more than anything, and know, I have no ability to resist, that which, I want most, even though, it will fucking kill me. How could I take her back? All the people that consoled me, cared about me, and nursed me back to health, would flip the fuck out. I would be walking on egg shells, waiting for it to happen again. Knowing, odds are, it will. Is a few months of pure happiness, and great sex, worth that? I feel like Frodo, holding the ring, over the lava, of Mount Doom. My precious. "Just throw it in, you little Hobbit bastard"!
Don't do it. I am 5 months post bpd relationship. I wish she would stop texting me completely. Temptation rears its ugly head from time to time. I just remember the moment she threatened my career and I finally became completely broken.
ReplyDeleteI may have the luxury after my 2.5 year relationship to view her as the enemy. I say it is a luxury because I continued to be optimistic for 2 years and about six months ago I adopted an idea I saw on the web. Borderlines, as sad as it may be, having souls and hearts like you and me, really almost always never maintain any level recovery.
I had to begin building back my confidence before I could leave her. It took a few months of doing very esteem able things.
Today temptation does rear its ugly head from time to time, but I have learned I deserve more, and her grade A charm, award winning act is only just that. An act to get me back to create more havoc and render my emotions intolerable.
Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. I choose to not be insane today. Was it easy at first?? NO.
Leaving her was the most difficult thing I ever did and I have no intentions on going through that again. I believe these people are as close to evil as they get, it is a sad sad sad truth. Yes they are human beings, but it does not mean I have to be a martyr or a masochist.
LOL, thanks, don't worry. I can't take her back, even if I want to. The thought of suffering the way, I did, is way too horrible. I'm not going through that again.
DeleteI don't know if anyone is following this blog anymore considering the date this was posted.
DeleteI have been reading Buddy's blog almost every day now. Re-reading it as it gives me strength and hope that I will come out of my situation which is so similar to what Buddy and others have experienced with their BPD girlfriends.
I am exactly the same way. I will probably love her forever. To go back to her however will probably kill me. I actually spoke with my physician about this relationship and the psychological toll it was taking on me. All sorts of really odd physical ailments as well which remarkably vanished once I wasn't spending time with her anymore. My doctor (John) and now good friend described it as an extreme addiction much like alcohol or dope (which I do enjoy in moderation). John looked at me during the last visit as said "this relationship will kill you if you continue". He is right. There are many forms of death. No person is worth this level of pain and the potential for something more extreme.
Yes they (BPD girlfriends) may have some ability to love and are human beings but they will ultimately revert to the same behavior which made you insane.
Find someone new. It may not initially have the same high as the girl you can't seem to resist but it may also develop slowly into something which comes really close.
There is an interesting concept in addiction. That which gives you the most rapid instantaneous high (as in BPD relationships) have the greatest potential to foster addiction. Examples are Cocaine, injectable opiates, nicotine etc. Anything which hits your nervous system hard and fast will create the greatest dependency. Experiences which you anticipate over prolonged periods of time don't give quite the same hit but do ultimately produce remarkable pleasure. To covet something over a long period of time is essentially delayed gratification which is a drug of it's own and is far more natural an experience.
Sorry for the addiction rant.
Please don't go back to a situation which will harm you.
As with Buddy, we should all support each other.
Be well.
I don't know if anyone is following this blog anymore considering the date this was posted.
DeleteI have been reading Buddy's blog almost every day now. Re-reading it as it gives me strength and hope that I will come out of my situation which is so similar to what Buddy and others have experienced with their BPD girlfriends.
I am exactly the same way. I will probably love her forever. To go back to her however will probably kill me. I actually spoke with my physician about this relationship and the psychological toll it was taking on me. All sorts of really odd physical ailments as well which remarkably vanished once I wasn't spending time with her anymore. My doctor (John) and now good friend described it as an extreme addiction much like alcohol or dope (which I do enjoy in moderation). John looked at me during the last visit as said "this relationship will kill you if you continue". He is right. There are many forms of death. No person is worth this level of pain and the potential for something more extreme.
Yes they (BPD girlfriends) may have some ability to love and are human beings but they will ultimately revert to the same behavior which made you insane.
Find someone new. It may not initially have the same high as the girl you can't seem to resist but it may also develop slowly into something which comes really close.
There is an interesting concept in addiction. That which gives you the most rapid instantaneous high (as in BPD relationships) have the greatest potential to foster addiction. Examples are Cocaine, injectable opiates, nicotine etc. Anything which hits your nervous system hard and fast will create the greatest dependency. Experiences which you anticipate over prolonged periods of time don't give quite the same hit but do ultimately produce remarkable pleasure. To covet something over a long period of time is essentially delayed gratification which is a drug of it's own and is far more natural an experience.
Sorry for the addiction rant.
Please don't go back to a situation which will harm you.
As with Buddy, we should all support each other.
Be well.
Hi Buddy,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I just want to thank you for creating this blog. It gives me a bit of relief to read it after just being steamrolled by my ex BPD. Allow me to comment on the following quote you made above:
"Anyway, why is it my greatest fear? Because I love this fucked up girl, more than anything, and know, I have no ability to resist, that which, I want most, even though, it will fucking kill me."
This is EXACTLY how I feel. Mine broke up with me on May 15 and emailed me just two weeks later that she had happily moved on and found her 'soul mate'. Most of the time I feel like she sort of ruined me for other women. I realize this thinking is disordered, but I just can't shake the feeling that I will *never* find another woman I actually want to be with.
If anyone wants to chime in and tell me about his/her road to recovery or experiences with their BPD, I'd love to hear it.
Before I sign off... How are things going, Buddy? Are you still communicating with her?
My ex is still sending me messages, saying she is going to visit, if she wins an impending lawsuit. She continues to frequently message and text all the things I really needed to hear, three years ago, when I was in your shoes. She is devaluing the current guy she has been living with, to me. I believe, there has been, at least one other, in between.
DeleteDon't stress, mine told me, she had a deep connection and, was marrying someone else. That guy was burned in less than three months. So will the soul mate. He is a necessary emotional dildo, so she can leave, and destroy you. That's why she told you, that. It's not true. Her soul is all fucked up, so it's quite impossible, to be true.
Listen carefully, because you are far from ruined. Every moment she does not call, is intentional. Don't think, she, is not thinking about you, everyday. She wants your negative attention. She expects, and needs it. Never forget, or doubt that. Do not think of reaching her with conventional pleas of love, or anything else. Every attempt hurts your position. You have only one advantage over her in this game. She is emotionally retarded, and can not escape her need to posses your attention.
You are going to be alright. Plenty of women will be drawn to you because are not desperate, for them. Don't pass up a good thing, or fuck up a great thing, by thinking in terms of be with forever, or talking about your loser ex, too much. Let her go, it's going to be okay. Eventually, she will call. Eventually you'll get sick of being alone, and let yourself feel that way about someone over her.
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