So after three years, I finally got to see her, face to face. I couldn't resist the opportunity to see what I had been so upset over, for so long. The after math, had become bigger than her, and lasted more than twice as long as the relationship, itself.
I was worried all those emotions would pour out, but also wanted them to, at the same time. I think, I wanted her to see, the tormenting pain she put me through. It didn't happen. We went to lunch and talked as if nothing had happened, and it was as comfortable, as if nothing had happened. She told me she was planning to leave (AKA)Jimmy, the abusive, old, fat, finally employed, guy she was living with, but couldn't move back to LA. Later, we briefly hung out, in her hotel room, and hugged, and said goodbye.
Two weeks later, she posted on FB something about " With out, (AKA) Jerry, she has no reason to be here", and swallowed a whole bottle of Xanax, and tried to kill herself. She had to be revived several times, and spent a few days in the hospital. They diagnosed her with PTSD, and recommended therapy. I am glad, she is getting help, but all I can wonder is, who the fuck is Jerry?
So, there it is... It is what it is... I'm not going to rant about my selfish feelings, when I know she is really sick, and can't help it, and, I am not, and can...but if I was. It would sound like this...
Are you fucking kidding me! You broke my heart, to bounce from weirdo's to losers, and kill yourself? That, is what I suffered for? They're not even good looking, or have money either. At least, I'm an extra handsome bastard, who made you laugh, and committed to you. Bitch, do you have any idea of how many irresistible invitations, I resisted, for you? You just threw it away, for nothing. You were special, to me. You were the one worth sacrificing for.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
BPD: Hoover, She's coming back
It has been three years, and one week, since I was burned by the person, I love most. I'd be lying to say, I haven't thought about her everyday since. This is the girl, that gave birth to this blog, that we are talking about.
After the first year of hell, where I was shut out completely, we had a once a month, or two, communication. She is with some guy, and not happy with him. Lately we share a brief text, with more frequency. Today, she unloaded on me, with an apology that made me cry. She is admitting she went crazy, and made big mistakes, she wants to correct. She is telling me she is coming home soon, and how much she loves me, misses me, and is so sorry. She even mentioned she wants a do over, and she doesn't want to be sick, anymore. She seems to have found Jesus, too. As much as I have prayed, dreamed, and hoped to hear those words, they have been my greatest fear for a while now. What's scarier, is, I believe, she believes it. She friended me, on Facebook, after being blocked, this whole time.
Why is it my greatest fear? Because I love this fucked up girl, more than anything, and know, I have no ability to resist, that which, I want most, even though, it will fucking kill me. How could I take her back? All the people that consoled me, cared about me, and nursed me back to health, would flip the fuck out. I would be walking on egg shells, waiting for it to happen again. Knowing, odds are, it will. Is a few months of pure happiness, and great sex, worth that? I feel like Frodo, holding the ring, over the lava, of Mount Doom. My precious. "Just throw it in, you little Hobbit bastard"!
After the first year of hell, where I was shut out completely, we had a once a month, or two, communication. She is with some guy, and not happy with him. Lately we share a brief text, with more frequency. Today, she unloaded on me, with an apology that made me cry. She is admitting she went crazy, and made big mistakes, she wants to correct. She is telling me she is coming home soon, and how much she loves me, misses me, and is so sorry. She even mentioned she wants a do over, and she doesn't want to be sick, anymore. She seems to have found Jesus, too. As much as I have prayed, dreamed, and hoped to hear those words, they have been my greatest fear for a while now. What's scarier, is, I believe, she believes it. She friended me, on Facebook, after being blocked, this whole time.
Why is it my greatest fear? Because I love this fucked up girl, more than anything, and know, I have no ability to resist, that which, I want most, even though, it will fucking kill me. How could I take her back? All the people that consoled me, cared about me, and nursed me back to health, would flip the fuck out. I would be walking on egg shells, waiting for it to happen again. Knowing, odds are, it will. Is a few months of pure happiness, and great sex, worth that? I feel like Frodo, holding the ring, over the lava, of Mount Doom. My precious. "Just throw it in, you little Hobbit bastard"!
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
BPD TRAINWRECK: My best friend Logan
Logan has been my best friend, since the fourth grade. He is one of the most decent, reliable, trustworthy, intelligent, considerate and normal people, I know. The guy is brilliant really, and consumes books, like most people watch TV. He is often my personal information center, for questions about history, and computers. In my opinion, he is a better person than, I am. More responsible, and never fucked anyone over in his whole life. He has almost an innocent quality about him. The perfect mark, for a BPD succubus from hell.
A decade ago, when I moved to L.A., Logan's family coincidentally moved to Vegas. He started a new life there, and was happy to leave the scumbag losers of our home town behind. His new life took off, as he took work at a college, and was promoted quickly, due to his organized, disciplined ways. It wasn't long after, he was assigned student volunteers, when he met a toxic bitch, straight from the abyss. Lets call her, Evilynn.
Evilynn, began flirting with Logan, and teasing him with her sexual fantasies. She began sexting him, with the wild things things she wanted to do, with him. If you knew Logan, and the shy, and lonely type of nice guy he is, you'd know, the excitement, and attention of this was irresistible to him. It got him high, and feeling great, and addicted to that feeling. Unfortunately, this mind screwing whore, began making dates, promises, and invitations that, she backed out of at the last minute, only to reassure him, and do it again. He spent thousand planning the greatest dates ever, only to be stood up. He would get shit faced waiting by himself, and fell into depression.
Eventually, he meet another BPD girl at the bar, that took him home and screwed his brains out. She was psycho, but fullfilled every sexual fantasy he was promised, by Evilynn. Having never really even kissed or even touched Evilynn, she faded away, and he stopped giving her attention.
A few month passed of no contact, and Evilynn found out about the relationship, and decided to accuse Logan of sexual harrassment, showing the school photos, he sent her, of his book collection, proving a personal relationship. When he explained they never had a relationship, and showed her sexual texts, it didn't matter. He was fired, and soon, lost his apartment, and had to move back in with his parents. The trauma and loss from this humiliating, and financially devestating blow, still has not corrected itself years later. He is not the same, psychologically, and struggles with stress, and severe depression. It couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
A decade ago, when I moved to L.A., Logan's family coincidentally moved to Vegas. He started a new life there, and was happy to leave the scumbag losers of our home town behind. His new life took off, as he took work at a college, and was promoted quickly, due to his organized, disciplined ways. It wasn't long after, he was assigned student volunteers, when he met a toxic bitch, straight from the abyss. Lets call her, Evilynn.
Evilynn, began flirting with Logan, and teasing him with her sexual fantasies. She began sexting him, with the wild things things she wanted to do, with him. If you knew Logan, and the shy, and lonely type of nice guy he is, you'd know, the excitement, and attention of this was irresistible to him. It got him high, and feeling great, and addicted to that feeling. Unfortunately, this mind screwing whore, began making dates, promises, and invitations that, she backed out of at the last minute, only to reassure him, and do it again. He spent thousand planning the greatest dates ever, only to be stood up. He would get shit faced waiting by himself, and fell into depression.
Eventually, he meet another BPD girl at the bar, that took him home and screwed his brains out. She was psycho, but fullfilled every sexual fantasy he was promised, by Evilynn. Having never really even kissed or even touched Evilynn, she faded away, and he stopped giving her attention.
A few month passed of no contact, and Evilynn found out about the relationship, and decided to accuse Logan of sexual harrassment, showing the school photos, he sent her, of his book collection, proving a personal relationship. When he explained they never had a relationship, and showed her sexual texts, it didn't matter. He was fired, and soon, lost his apartment, and had to move back in with his parents. The trauma and loss from this humiliating, and financially devestating blow, still has not corrected itself years later. He is not the same, psychologically, and struggles with stress, and severe depression. It couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
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