So it happened. I got the Christmas call and the follow up New Years talk. It was as if nothing had happened. Then she mentioned, she was dying of cancer. She said, she'd call the next day but it was weeks before the next call came. She gave me what I thought she would never. A full admission of guilt and error. A bawling, sobbing, crying apology and a desire to come back to me. She really beat herself up. Confessed she didn't know how to attach and doesn't know what the truth is. We talked for hours over the next several days as she opened up about the abuse in her youth. Her feelings of worthlessness. Wow. I was really proud of her courage and thankful for her trust in me. Then after an abrupt claim of sickness, in mid conversation she was gone again. Silent.
I spent these days bouncing between fantasies of us reuniting and trying to see through the problem to whats really going on. I can only speculate but the fact is, whats happening is a combination of feelings and fantasy. I didn't believe the claim of cancer. I pray to God she's lying and God knows I would support her in any way I could if it is true. She sounds so convincing though. However, she has been so, on other horrible fantasies. Maybe, its so convincing because she believes it. After all she admitted. She doesn't know the truth.
Here's my best guess or possible explaination. She is caught between two halves of one personality. One that knows the truth and the other that believes the lies.
The LIE personality is born from the abuse. It believes the lie that she is unworthy of love. The lie, the abusers told and programmed her to believe with their abuse. It's the side of her that harbors all the pain and finds ways to numb it with denial and fantasy. It's where the emotion of the trauma is buried and bleeds out in paranoia and anxiety. It's the where the subconcious words of the abuser still whisper from before she can remember. It's still the scared child feeling at fault for her neglect.
The TRUTH personality is the real her. An amazing, smart, fun, giving, sympathetic, beautiful woman. Who just wants to be loved and seeks to free herself from the lie. She knows she's all of these things. That's the truth.
I think its very possible she is making up the cancer story so she could find a comfortable place of sympathy to apologise for what she did, without fearing my imagined wrath of "I told you so". At least I hope it's that. I do not have her condition and I am starting to understand why the people who say ultra compassion is the appropriate way to help. Its hard when you are hurting yourself. I have mostly followed their advice anyway but being in my own pain at the time, it did not help me to get better. It prolonged my pain.
I feel a lot better now. The pain has passed, but the desire to love another hasn't come yet. I can handle talking to her and understand her pain, without feeling my own now. As much as I may wish to be with her forever. The risk of taking her back is terrifying. I am not going through this hell again. I can love her this way and protect myself.
As for the hoover. I think the true personality surfaces for what ever reason triggers it to reach out to someone who she knows was good to her. To make amends or hold on to someone else's view of her, confirming her desire of self worth. Yours is a stronger counter voice to the abusers, then she can muster for herself. Its like she's employing you as a defense attorney, to battle the abusers prosecution, in the trial in her mind. This blog helped quickly to release the pent up emotions in me. I will suggest that she writes one next time we speak. As her attorney, I believe this case should be thrown out of court.
