It has been three years, and one week, since I was burned by the person, I love most. I'd be lying to say, I haven't thought about her everyday since. This is the girl, that gave birth to this blog, that we are talking about.
After the first year of hell, where I was shut out completely, we had a once a month, or two, communication. She is with some guy, and not happy with him. Lately we share a brief text, with more frequency. Today, she unloaded on me, with an apology that made me cry. She is admitting she went crazy, and made big mistakes, she wants to correct. She is telling me she is coming home soon, and how much she loves me, misses me, and is so sorry. She even mentioned she wants a do over, and she doesn't want to be sick, anymore. She seems to have found Jesus, too. As much as I have prayed, dreamed, and hoped to hear those words, they have been my greatest fear for a while now. What's scarier, is, I believe, she believes it. She friended me, on Facebook, after being blocked, this whole time.
Why is it my greatest fear? Because I love this fucked up girl, more than anything, and know, I have no ability to resist, that which, I want most, even though, it will fucking kill me. How could I take her back? All the people that consoled me, cared about me, and nursed me back to health, would flip the fuck out. I would be walking on egg shells, waiting for it to happen again. Knowing, odds are, it will. Is a few months of pure happiness, and great sex, worth that? I feel like Frodo, holding the ring, over the lava, of Mount Doom. My precious. "Just throw it in, you little Hobbit bastard"!
